To be worrying about being a mum

[LavenderBelle]

I feel like I’m being completely unreasonable here, and I know everyone stresses about being a parent but it’s all I can think about. I’m 21 weeks pregnant with my first baby and everything is starting to get real now and I’m starting to panic. I’m 20, which I know isn’t exceptionally young to have a baby but it’s still earlier than I planned. I’m worried I can’t give my son a good life because of my age, but we have our own house and we both have jobs as well as going to uni. I have anxiety and depression and I’m worried that if I won’t be able to be a good mum because of it, I can cope well usually and most of the time I’m happy but I go through bouts of low patches and I’m worried that during these I just can’t be the mum I want to be. I struggle with little sleep and I get really grumpy, but I know most babies don’t sleep well, so what if all he remembers from his early years is me being grumpy and no fun. Is this normal? I definitely still want my baby and so does my DH. He wasn’t planned but we thought it was the best thing for us. I just sort of need assurance that I’m going to be okay.

I am also pregnant and although I am over a decade older than you I also panic about how I will cope and whether I'll be a good mum, so don't assume it's just your age, it's a huge life change and daunting for all of us I think! In a way I think the fact that we worry is good, I work in child protection and often the parents that struggle don't have the insight to question whether what they're doing is good enough.

I don't have any advice as such but I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, I figure most new parents do find a way to cope, it's not easy but we will! And don't expect yourself to be perfect, I'm sure no one thinks their own parents were perfect all of the time, it doesn't mean they failed.

The fact that you’re worrying about all this shows how much you care about your little one already. Myself and friends included all had similar anxieties when pregnant so I’d say it’s normal to have these worries.
You don’t know how your baby will be - they may be an amazing sleeper, they may not. Some things will be out of your control. Some days will be better than others. We’ve all been there. You will be tired and you may get grumpy. Just take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. (I chose to nap when baby napped and to hell with the housework!).
I hope you have a supportive DH? He can be a big help when you’re tired and need a break.
Don’t compare yourself to others around you who have babies either. They will do what works for them, you do what works for you. This is your child and you will know what’s best for him (trust me). You will be fine. xx

I don't think anyone can be prepared for parenthood regardless of age and the fact that you realise that gives you a head start. Often it's those who think that they will cope regardless who then find that nothing goes to plan. Just remember that whatever happens with your baby it will be a phase and will pass. Enjoy him or her and it will go all too quickly.

You will be fine. We all doubt ourselves & our abilities as parents. The mere fact that you want to be a good parent is a good sign! Sleep deprivation is tough but try to remember that it does get better (often slowly admitedly but bear in mind that s/he will slowly drop night feeds, particularly as s/he starts to be weaned). I was a lot older than you when I had my first, but I did not have a clue: I hadn’t even held a baby. I found ‘Your Baby Week by Week’ by Simone Cave & Caroline Fertlemen to be a very helpful guide to baby’s progress each week as well as to what her needs were. Also, try not to stress about all the kit: they really don’t need much to start (moses basket, sleep suits) and don’t beat yourself up if you can’t breastfeed. Finally, enjoy the cuddles and smiles - it is amazing. Best of luck.

Until your baby is born you don't know how you will be or feel.
I was fine and not worried at all before I had my first but was anxious and worried after she was born because I felt overwhelmed with the responsibility. I had PND.
Don't anticipate how you will be but do mention your worries to your midwife or doctor. They won't judge you and will be pleased to support you.
My friend was the opposite to me, she was anxious and worried sick when she was pregnant but felt wonderful as soon as her son was born and coped really well.
Let friends and family know how you feel and ask for support if you need it.
I hope all goes well.

I'm 30 and expecting number 2 - I'm worrying too.

How will I cope with 2 under 2? DS was an easy baby, what if this one's a nightmare? What if DS hates his sibling? What if DS turns into a nightmare?

Honestly, your concern means you're probably going to be a great mum. Sleep deprivation is tough but you will amaze yourself at how well you do manage on broken sleep. You sound like you have your head screwed on, so just go with it, try not to stress too much because as a op has said, every stage is just a phase.

Congratulations and good luck

Thank you all so much. It’s nice to know people are in the same boat. DH is supportive but he’s never been around babies so I think he just see’s them as a cute little person who we can just put in the Moses basket when they cry. I suppose I’ve got to stop stressing so much, there’s no turning back now and what will be will be.

Honestly I would think anyone with no worries about having a first baby is just a bit weird!!
Babies don’t always sleep well. But thankfully they don’t remember if you’re a bit grumpy!!
What you can do is ensure you have any help and support you will need. How much can DH help? Have you spoken to your MW about the anxiety/depression? I’m on meds for both and it helps. CBT can also be useful. As can mindfulness.

I have had CBT since I was young and have developed coping mechanisms. Usually I’m really good at controlling it, I have my anxious and low days but the majority of the time I’m quite a happy person. I just worry I’ll struggle when our little one comes, but I’ll talk to my midwife about it next time I can. I have been a bit embarrassed because I don’t want to seem like a child, but if it’s the best thing for my baby then I will.

Being a parent is the most challenging and emotional, yet most rewarding thing you are ever likely to experience, no matter what your age or circumstances are.

Worrying about upcoming motherhood only makes you human! Just follow your instincts and do what comes naturally... comparing yourself/your baby to others will only bring more unnecessary worry. I did too much of this myself and it caused so much anxiety. Do what is right for you, whether it's breast/bottle feeding, sleep routines, whatever. There is no rule book - although there are a few people out there who like to think they've written one and will take pleasure in preaching about it. Ignore them.

Regarding the sleep thing, the likelihood is (in the early days at least) you will be short on sleep but somehow you just do it, because there isn't really another option and anyway it's all worth it.

Good luck, you've got this