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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so sorry for my Dad?

101 replies

Kneehigim · 25/02/2019 11:13

First up, he's happy, in a relationship the past 25 years and healthy.

However.

When he was a teen he moved to London to work on building sites and was there for 6 months. He then got a call to say that his father was ill and that he needed to go home to run the family business. At the same time his uncle offered to bring him to Australia with a job opportunity there.

In the heel of the hunt he went home and still runs the family business. He's a 'make the most of it' kind of person so appears happy, but whenever we chat, there's a deep longing in him for what might have been. He never fails to mention the opportunities he almost had. I think we just chat a lot so he probably doesn't actually consciously think this on a daily basis, maybe I bring out the worst in him lol. We probably have deeper conversations than most people.

So, I'm at that age in life where I can make it or break it. I've a few decisions to make. I genuinely don't want to end up 70 and a little bit sad about what I never did.

There is literally nothing I can do for my Dad apart from to succeed myself in life which cheers him up no end. I can hear the pride in his voice (and I have done nothing to be proud of).

I don't even know why I'm posting. There's nothing I can do. AIBU to be fucking annoyed with his father for stealing his future from him? What the fuck do we do to our children. Such a responsibility we hold in our hands!

Wah! I'm just ranting.

OP posts:
clairemcnam · 25/02/2019 12:00

knee Sorry I havent much sympathy for him. Yes there were choices that were taken away from him. But he sounds very passive about his own life. He had choices as he got older. He is being pretty self indulgent being wistful about not travelling when he could do that right now.

FlurkenSchnit · 25/02/2019 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningconstitutional2017 · 25/02/2019 12:00

Your dad did what was right at the time. Many of us hanker over what might have been, the road not taken, etc because life throws things at us. He could still travel if he can afford it and his health is good. Life is often a compromise - we could spend our lives being discontented. The thing is not to stress too much about things we can't control.

missbattenburg · 25/02/2019 12:03

As others have said - there is just no way of knowing what the other options could have brought him.

If he'd carried on playing snooker maybe he would have been rich, successful, famous and travelled the world playing. Or maybe he's have gone to a match in a dodgy pub, left the place at just the wrong moment and walked into a fight outside, A scuffle followed and he was stabbed and died alone in an alleyway. Or maybe he'd have played a bit more but got bored and stopped of his own choice.

The same for all the other choices. If he'd have gone to Australia maybe he'd have stepped into the road and been hit by a car. Or maybe he'd have been a billionaire by now. Or maybe he'd have not liked having warm Christmases so come home again.

It can be easy to think the other road would have been better. In truth, none of us know whether or not we had a very lucky escape by not following it.

His current path has seen him live until 70, loved by a child he is proud of. Sounds like a good option to me.

Original poster
Kneehigim · 25/02/2019 12:04

That's the thing. He didn't want the family business! He wanted to travel. He was lumbered with it.

This all came out when we were discussing personalities (as you do with your Dad randomly?) and me saying that I needed to be around people.

The nature of the business is a very solitary one and he said that he doesn't actually like it and finds it lonely (he's like me and likes to be around people). I never knew that he hated his job and I never knew that he wished he had made a different choice.

OP posts:
BlueJeansNiceTop · 25/02/2019 12:05

I’m wondering if actually you’re harbouring some resentment towards your mother but this is coming out as resentment towards his father?

Antonin · 25/02/2019 12:05

Try not to get too involved in your DFs regrets OP. He must have had opportunities through the years to make life changes but chose at the time not to do so. Listen to him and then ask him how he’d like to live the rest of his life. What are his dreams/plans? It may well be from the language he uses you will be able to tell if he is a person who is afraid of failure, that he was actually relieved he didn’t have to accept uncle’s offer because he can always dream about what may have been. Or you may spur him on to make changes before he is too old and infirm

PlinkPlink · 25/02/2019 12:11

You could flip this round OP...

If he hadn't taken on the family business, he would have gone travelling and done those amazing things. But probably at the cost of his family.
He would have left them behind in the lurch (though I'm sure someone else would have stepped up). He sounds like a lovely man and I can imagine that would have made him feel ever so guilty. His siblings might possible have ended up resenting him. Maybe for him, that was not a life he wanted, it was not a desirable alternative - to be filled with guilt and remorse about leaving his family behind.

We all have regrets. Some of us have bigger ones than others. But what is important is to acknwedge them and focus on the future. Focus on the present too. Live in the moment. We cannot dwell in the past.

What you can do for your DF is continue to make him proud and happy. Continue to be the wonderful daughter you are. You have a wonderful relationship and I wish I had a father like yours - someone I could talk to and feel like they acknowledge me.

Original poster
Kneehigim · 25/02/2019 12:12

He's 70 now and travels a bit. The nature of the business means he can't leave for long. He never says it in a way that blames anyone. I'm the one blaming people I suppose. He's happy and contented at the end of the day so that's the main thing.

OP posts:
diddl · 25/02/2019 12:12

"He didn't want the family business! "

Yet at 70 he's still there!

Presumably it has housed, clothed & fed the two of you?

Why is he still there though?

clairemcnam · 25/02/2019 12:12

He is 70. There was no need to run the family business until he retired. He chose to. He could have sold it once his siblings had grown up and divided up the money.

clairemcnam · 25/02/2019 12:14

He has chosen not to retire at 70 and travel. That is a choice. He sounds self pitying.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/02/2019 12:15

Hmm, he sounds a bit of a glass half empty kind of guy to be honest. I have more than a few regrets. I might say to my kids stuff like, “I think in retrospect I probably should have studied law,” or “I think I should have focussed more on my career,” but never in a woe is me way, more in a learn from this way.

I think its really unfair to give your kids the burden of worrying about you or feeling sad about you. Stiff upper lip all the way.

oneyearnobeer · 25/02/2019 12:15

There are millions of people living very normal and average lives in Australia. If he'd moved there in c.1970 his options to travel would ironically have been less than him staying in the UK. He could also presumably have sold the business at a number of points between being 18 and 70. He may regret some of the decisions he made and feel that he was on a one way road, but there must have been forks in the road where he could have made a different choice. Re. the sports, this is probably sexist but I think it's a guy thing. If every dad at my dc's rugby club was as close to making it as a professional as they now think they were, England would have been spoilt for choice Grin

Original poster
Kneehigim · 25/02/2019 12:17

Lol, the last thing my father is is self pitying. I think that's the thing. He never ever told me (until this year) that he didn't choose the life he has. If you met him you would think that he was as content as a Lord. I had no idea that he wasn't!

OP posts:
Disney2 · 25/02/2019 12:20

I understand what you mean about OP about his sense of duty and having to take on the family business whether you really wanted to or not - a similar thing happened to two of my uncles when their father died suddenly. They haven't expressed regret at their decisions but the the story is told in a way that implies the decisions were sort of made for them for the good of the remaining family as a whole. Maybe it's partially a cultural thing? (My family are Irish). It's tough to reconcile with in this day and age as young people are encouraged to do and be so much more.

Is your dad in a position to retire or work part time and spend a little more time travelling? If he's content with his day to day life then there's not much you can do really, but I'm sure he enjoys talking to you about it Smile.

BlueJeansNiceTop · 25/02/2019 12:22

You're saying your mum made him give up his hobbies. She assaulted him too. Do you think she also made him stay in the UK, working in a business he didn't want to be in? Is this really all your granddad's fault?

Original poster
Kneehigim · 25/02/2019 12:23

Lol, he loves telling me that if he only got an education he'd be ruling the country lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneehigim · 25/02/2019 12:26

I accept my Dad made those decisions given what options he had at the time. Fuck me, I've made some pretty horrendous decisions that I have to live with myself! I suppose it's only now maybe that he's getting a bit wistful about what might have been. Really only in the past year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneehigim · 25/02/2019 12:27

The job isn't a part-time one nor one that you can really retire from.

OP posts:
MaudeLynne · 25/02/2019 12:31

Taking a guess at farming - it's full of ties and responsibilities - can't be the one to sell the family farm, but to be honest you can, he could. It's why farmers are shit at business, the heart makes decisions instead of the head. That's why there's so many suicides.

oneyearnobeer · 25/02/2019 12:32

I suppose it's only now maybe that he's getting a bit wistful about what might have been. Really only in the past year.

I think that's normal, and maybe you're picking up on it more given you have to make some big decisions yourself. It's worth remembering though that every time you make a big decision you typically close off something or make it massively less likely, so there's always that "minority report" lurking in the background.

Have you read "The subtle art of not giving a fuck?" Misleading title but food for thought around values and how to work out what will result in contentment long term.

clairemcnam · 25/02/2019 12:34

I have farmers in my family. Some have sold the family business. And at 70 he can sell the family business and travel. In fact unless he has a mega farm with a farm manager, it makes sense to sell.

Vivaldi1678 · 25/02/2019 12:38

In the lottery of Life your DF has come out well so far with more ups than downs. Why don't you plan a trip to Australia together. It's not over until the fat lady sings.

Yabbers · 25/02/2019 12:39

He did chose it. Maybe he felt he had to, maybe he didn’t want to stand up to his mother, maybe he wasn’t courageous enough to actually make the move to Australia.

But he chose his life and has remained in the business long after he could have sold it and moved on. He made those choices and had nobody to blame but himself if he has regrets.

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