Is my thinking out of order? Retired 60+

[granadagirl]

So bit back story
Partner had affair 4 years ago, I found out so he never divulged it.
During the affair, I had my real suspicions but he kept saying I’m mad!
What am I talking about etc etc, the usual shit . I knew I was right, gut.
Anyway, after long long arguments, talking, debating etc etc
We decided to give it another go. Obviously there was big trust issues by me, as you would.

Over time We have both found it hard to fill the days, more so him
I am quite introverted, prefer to to things on my own sometimes and can always find something around the house to do.
Where as he, is very active, he staying around the house is like being a caged lion.
So we have now come up with he as 2/3 days (well afternoon to do whatever) if he wants.
The other days, I get “what are we doing then, around 12ish”. He never comes up with a suggestion yet if I come up with somewhere I get
“ what do you what to go there for” or “ I’m going within 10 mile”

This happened yesterday, I couldn’t think of anywhere as yesterday I suggested his mum’s that was ok. So it led to a big discussion/argument as I said you don’t have to go out everyday. I mentioned I had bedding to put back on bed, and a roast to do so I’m not really bothered you go out. No I’m going out Monday, all of this and the stress it leads to all to go out.
Anyway it lead to him saying the famous words
If you don’t like it, do something about it. He then went to wash car.

This upset me, as I thought we’d got past this. I can’t look or speak to him.
He is aware I’m not speaking, as he isn’t either and he went to bed earlier and no kiss I’m going to bed.
This morning he brings me a coffee in bed(as usual) just usual shit morning talk, with me just looking or nodding.
He was going out for 9.15, so was getting ready etc, so I never mentioned anything.

But when he gets back I am
I will get “ oh don’t start, not that again, I’m not arguing”
He just thinks it can be swept under the carpet, and carry on like it’s never been said. I’m not like that, I have to get things out of the way.

AIBU

I'm not sure with this reminded me of something I read about lots of people getting divorced after retirement age without the distraction and time spent at work. I think it said about having time apart being very useful / own hobbies or hobbies together etc, (maybe things like walking groups, university of third age, volunteering etc, or part time work).

he staying around the house is like being a caged lion.

Why cant he have his own hobbies and go out without you? Living in each others pockets woulod give me the proverbial rage. I couldnt stand it.

I’m confused by your post and can’t quite make sense of who said what. Is that he wanted to go out but you didn’t so he said “if you don’t like it, do something about it”? What does he mean by that?

Honestly it sounds like you are just not that compatible if you having this much stress just deciding what to do each day. Would you be better off calling it a day?

Why cant he go out every day if he wants to? You cant keep him faithful by controlling his movements. Of course that should include wanting to do stuff together sometimes and he should be pulling his weight at home.

Personally I love pottering but its not for everyone.

I'm not sure why it's so stressful. Does he expect you to think of things for him to do? Or is it that you are trying to spend a certain number of days together and can't agree on how to spend them?

I think his words were hurtful and childish. Put up with it or leave, is that what he meant? I would explain how it made you feel. But more generally it sounds as though you both have trust issues following on from the affair. Couples therapy may be a great help.

Am I reading h this correctly?

You enjoy your own company and are happy to potter about in the house and your OH prefers to be out and about.

You've agreed together that OH will go out without you 2/3 afternoons which he does, but when he is spending time with you, he wants you both to go out. He can't think of where to go so expects you to come up with plans but often rejects your ideas.

It is also getting harder for you to think of places to go.

Did you both have pastimes and hobbies in the earlier years of your relationship? Do you like similar things or have you always differed in your interests?

I enjoy my own company and like quiet pursuits sometimes (as does DH) but you do also need to do things together.

It is unfair to expect you to come up with plans. He needs to take some responsibility too. You need to sit down together and write lists of all the things you like and try and find common ground. Perhaps look around to see if there are any groups where you could start some new activities together.

Sorry if most didn’t understand

Firstly there is no way we live in each other’s pockets. I fact I’m always saying well go out, I’m happy to do garden read Pilates, potter about house like diy.
He does have hobbies tennis, volunteer at event twice a week at night in season, he as motorbike. (Riding out & events) cars and spends most of the night on internet

The days together are the problem sometimes! As he expects ME to come up with things places to go etc. When I do suggest he then will
Sometimes say
What do you want to go there for
Or I don’t want to go there
So then I say you think of something
The we go round in circles and he says this is turning into an argument
Also he goes out to the shops everyday to get bread, veg etc, that is to suit him so he can get out for hour or so. Which I do not mind, as I do anything I have to myself

Regarding things together I mentioned
Yoga, Pilates Zumba because he aches and is stiff, tennis (he won’t play with me because I’m not his level and it’s boring for him)

The
If you don’t like it, do something about it
Is him saying,
If I don’t like what he does
Which is
Getting up same time, going to shops and lunch exactly same time
If we’re out, leaving same time to be home to start tea to have st 5
So he can have his shower 6.30 and putting a wash in( he does 2 washes a day) go for walk at 7pm ( Moans if I say I’ll go with him because I don’t walk same pace as him and that’s his time)
Hell come back and go on internet till 11pm till bedtime, but if I put film on, he moans if there maybe but violence or shooting in (I don’t know what there like till there on) but he’s not watching it
If I mention anything I get
The do something about it
Which in fact he’s saying
Leave

Get counselling. Go back to work. Or do neither and separate.

I think I'd take him up on the option of "leave", to be honest.

You get to live in peace and quiet.

He gets to do what he likes when he likes.

Why are you still together? I get no sense of affection for each other from your posts...

Why don't you come up with a system to avoid the conflict eg you each write loads of suggestions on bits of paper, fold them up and pop them in a jar and just take turns to pick one.?

Frankly you must lead boring lives because I always seem to have a choice of things to do and no time to do them because any spare time I have is booked weeks in advance.

I don't understand why you have days when you have to do things together (unless I misunderstand)? Why do anything together that you don't want to do?
My oh and I have been retired for 5/6 years. Yes, we do some things together, but only the things that interest us both. Other than that we do our own thing. I am a potterer, like doing things round the house, gardening etc, he is a keen sportsman. We live fairly separate lives with our own interest and friends, in fact we can go all day without seeing each other, but we do love each other very much.
It sounds as if you are no longer compatible tbh.

Jesus wept, I’d be gone or get him gone.

What exactly is keeping you with him?!?

You don’t sound as if you like him at all.
And he’s a cheat.
So why are you with him?

Ok that's much clearer, thank you.

He sounds like hard, hard work. Do you love him? Do you want to live with him?

Do you even like each other?