About this Hugs article

[Home77]

What do you think? This was posted by a relative (SIL) and yes, I am the 'Aunt' and hugged my niece and nephew goodbye. I'm upset by this, but maybe it is right? Should I not hug them again then?

www.mother.ly/child/heres-why-i-will-never-force-my-kids-to-hug-anyone?xrs=RebelMouse_fb&ts=1528811109&fbclid=IwAR1O2m_JbLTICx2xDkft4AMsM4qxMRa4FTuTwgcQHHFemB0MCeX3wzTN7Ag

I think a poster above had the right response.

Just say to SIL "I saw your Facebook post, it's a great idea to teach kids bodily autonomy. I'll still offer hugs but completely respect their wishes if they don't want to."

I'm sure it wasn't meant to hurt your feelings. I say things like this to my mum all the time! "DS doesn't want a sloppy kiss mum get off him!"

She doesn't take offence and my son sometimes spontaneously hugs and kisses her all day long so it doesn't effect their relationship.

"
Today 09:49 Home77

The article is not about hugging someone dodgy, it about 'Aunt Sally' and I'm the aunt..."

I know. And the point she's making is that you're allowed to refuse hugs even off your lovely aunt Sally.
Though from what you describe it's a bit exaggerated as you offered a hug.

I remember DCs were leaving so asked them if they wanted to hug goodbye, (they didn't)

And what happened then?

Also, you say 'you remember'. Were you drunk? Maybe her point is that she doesn't want drunk people breathing alcohol all over her kids.

The article isn't about not hugging kids at all, its about asking them first and not forcing them too if they say no. This is where a high-5 is your friend.

*to

yes, I am the 'Aunt' and hugged my niece and nephew goodbye.

My issue is we had just seen them and hugged the children goodbye.

I remember DCs were leaving so asked them if they wanted to hug goodbye, (they didn't)

??

Yes, that is right. I hugged the niece and nephew (well kind of gently and carefully, not like grabbing them or demanding anything) and then asked DCs if they wanted to hug each other (they didn't). Is this totally inappropriate then? I will take care to ask in future.

Sorry, that's a bit confusing. What DC's? Your own and the niece/nephew? Or did you ask if niece wants to hug nephew? Which would just be odd.

It seems like they didn't want hugs if they didn't hug the 2nd time & they might have said something to your SIL later, which is why she posted what she did.

Basically ask if they want a hug goodbye, if they say no, accept that and give them a high five instead.

Yes my own and their cousins. Yes it would have been quite funny asking them if they wanted to hug their siblings! I'm probably over thinking it. I was definitely not demanding of anything or breathing alcohol or anything like that. I grew up in a very un-affectionate family myself and have always been cuddly with my own DCs, but maybe need to be careful with other family. Although think was quite sensitive.

It would have been helpful if there were any issues or the children had been upset by the hugging to have had this mentioned in person rather than articles about boozy Aunties or the like. I think most people sou;d have had off putting experiences with relatives asking for kisses and the like, as children and don't want to be like that.

I agree she should have been more straight forward with you, at the time she should have just said we don't make them hug/give kisses if they don't want to, and then asked them if they wanted to give out hugs.

I think you're overthinking it. She's just shared an article. It's not necessarily been triggered by you. And even if it has then it's just a subtle way of asking you to ask next time.

It's also a great article.

It feels hurtful for the OP to see an article that is seemingly written about her in a rather unflattering light.

There is then the whole issue of hugging relatives and whether or not you should or not.

My mum likes her grandchildren to say goodbye to her (making eye contact) and give her a hug. She is in her late 80s and that is what she thinks is polite. My kids aren't wild about it, but they appreciate that in her eyes this is good manners and they've just eaten her food and out of respect & courtesy towards her, they do it.

They also know that they aren't about to start hugging random strangers or anyone who might be slightly worse for the odd shandy or two and who fancies a grope!

I'm all for people believing that they are the boss of their body, mind and speech - but just how far do we go with this? Is it ok for people to be rude and not say thank you, just because they don't feel like it? Is it ok not to stand up in the classroom when the teacher asks you too because it is your body and you don't want to do that with it? Is it ok not to take part in PE for the same reasons? Is it ok to run out into the road just because that's where your body feels like it should be?

There are lots of occasions when we can't be the absolute boss of what we do or say. Sometimes I'm sitting in a long meeting and I want to lie on the floor or yawn out loud because I'm so bored - that's what my body wants to do BUT that would be disrespectful to my colleagues, so I don't do it.

I think politely hugging a relative is a compromise that may help children differentiate between where it is absolutely critical that they are the boss of their own body and the times when they need to compromise slightly and think about how they make other people feel.

I think you're overthinking it. Just because it's about an Aunt and you're an Aunt doesn't mean it's about you - the message is much deeper than hugging an Aunt or not, it's about bodily autonomy and safety. As someone else said, next time you see her, just mention 'really liked that article you shared, it really made me think about asking for a hug rather than demanding one' or something.

@Margo your examples aren't remotely the same - yes sometimes my body wants to stay in bed and not go to work, but I have to go to work! However it's my body and if my partner leans in for a kiss and I don't want to kiss him, I don't have to. And thats the same for kids, why don't they get the right to say no, especially if they're uncomfortable?

The article wasn't written by OP's SIL, just shared by her.

Ah, my misunderstanding! Thanks.

I'd be far more pissed off by the 'slightly intoxicated Aunt Sally' comment, tbh!

JellyBaby666 maybe my illustrations weren't very good.

I'm sure there are holes in my argument but doesn't it come down to the almost infinite conflict between individual freedom and where and when that impacts on the individual freedoms of others.

Surely my point about should a child have to do what they are told by the teacher, even if they don't want to has some parallels? My friend is a primary teacher and she tells me that kids tell her that if they don't want to do something, the teacher can't 'make them' because that infringes their human rights!

My DC frequently didn't want to have their safety straps put on when they were in the car and I had to do that horrible wrestling thing with them in order to get to school on time. They didn't want me to put on their safety straps - should I have observed that they were the boss of their bodies then?

My eldest is ASD and in an ideal world would prefer not to touch anyone ever. However, he accepts that when he goes for interviews, he has to shake hands with the interviewer often at the start and end of the interview - as that is what is expected. Again, if he were the absolute boss of his own body, this is not what he would do.

Bit shitty of SIL. I hate all the passive aggressive bollocks. If she’s got an issue regarding her children being hugged she should talk about it with the person doing the hugging.

I get why you were hurt OP.

hmm.

it sounds like your SIL practices this, and you do also...as in you ask if people want a hug and only hug them if they say yes.

Maybe your SIL is sharing this because she just noticed that's how her family operates and supports it?

I would support it too...doesn't mean I'm criticizing anyone in my own family who hugged my DD

@Margot I do see your point, but I think you're comparing freedom of what you do as a person, and what you're allowed to dictate of your own bodily autonomy.

It's an interesting one, as a handshake is expected, and at an interview you'd be worried about appearing rude if you didn't undertake the societal norm. However if your son said he didn't feel comfortable, he isn't (I hope) going to be forced to shake hands anyway! I can't quite explain what I mean. Freedom to take your body outside when you have to be in the office isn't the same thing, and yet I'd still say I have bodily autonomy.

It’s a perfectly fine article. Yes she’s pretty smug about her parenting but she has the right approach. It’s a good thing children aren’t obliged to “kiss granny” or “go on, give uncle john a cuddle” if they don’t want to. Their feelings should come before what the adults asking/assuming want. Consistency is really important and school are telling them one thing about bodily autonomy which shouldn’t be undermined in family scenarios.

Thanks for thinking about it Jelly. Out of interest, where does our bodily autonomy start and end?

The government expects me by law to wear my seat belt and my DC to be appropriately restrained too in their car seats. Where does being the boss of our own bodies come into it there?

Let's say I'm a fan of naturism and I'd like to not wear clothes in the summer months when it is warm. Surely, if I'm the boss of my body I should be able to do that as I go about my day to day business?

When your DC want to go out on a winters day in freezing temperatures - particularly if you live in the Nordic countries - without sufficient clothes on, do you accept that they are the boss of their own bodies and let them risk frostbite, or do you force them to wear adequate clothing?

My DS tends not to tell people that he is ASD at interviews for casual summer jobs. He believes that it will put them off employing him, so he shakes hands because that is what is required. He decides in that instance that the integrity of his autonomy over his own body is less important in that instance than the money he stands to earn. In the same way, he'd rather not have to give his grandma a kiss but he knows it is important to her, so again he decides that being polite and respectful to her is more important in that instance than his rights over his body.