Threats of court by grandparent.

[SheIsALiamGallagherKindaGal86]

Morning all, please could i have some advice?

Following the breakdown of my relationship with my ex partner (the father of my Ds) my relationship with the ex's dad and his step mother came to a breaking point and i stopped contact with them and my Ds for a few months.

Now, i always struggled to get on with the ex's father. He is an evil, nasty manipulative bully. I lost respect for him when he started thia campaign of abuse to his youngest son because he didn't like his partner. He went as far as sending "dick pics" to his son's parner to try and see where it would go so he could then tell his son his girlfriend was a cheat. Anyway, long story short that went wrong and the father in law disowned his son ans grandchild because he didn't want his wife finding out about this iliicit texts..

I didn't like my father in law's behaviour but that wasn't the reason of my disliking him it was the harressment and psychological abuse he put his own son through just to keep his dirty secret from his wife and showed me the kind of person he was.

I didn't like that kind of person round my son but he i allowed contact for my ex's sake as he was always present but the father in law started using his bully boy tactics on me so i stopped him seeing my Ds from November last year and last week agreed, after discussing with my ex partner that he and his wife could see my son for a couple of hours with my ex present.
The ex father in law kicked off stating that he wanted my Ds all day and that he was now not interested because he cannot get his own way. He told my ex that "just a small warning but people were gunning for me!" He is now threatening legal action.
I can't understand what the hell his problem is? I am allowing access!

@Birdsgottafly is right. Grandparents can certainly apply for the right to have contact and it's getting easier and easier for them. Unfortunately a lot of judges seem to think that grandparents are all the kindly, knitting type.

It didn't get as far as court with my abusive parents as I was terrified so let them have access. They weren't bothered about the DC of course, just wanted to control and abuse me further. Contact soon became inconsistent and toxic. What better way to hurt someone than through the most precious things in their life?!

May not be an option for you, but I moved away ...

I think with the OP’s stated evidence about the GF’s threats and behaviour, court will not consider an ongoing relationship with GC as suitable.

I wouldn't allow someone who behaves like this around my child. Go with your first instinct and refuse him access. He is a bully to his own kids why do you think he'd be any different to yours? Also he can threaten legal action all he likes but he hasn't a leg to stand on.

Call his bluff, Just tell the grandfather you have all the evidence of the wto g doing to the other girlfriend and if he doesn’t stop you will share that information with the rest of the family.

Birds, can you not see cp issues here?
Op don't be bullied. Yes it's better your ex is near but if better for you and dc he can get a train eow plenty do.

Is there a reason why they can't have a full day access?
Did you RTFT?

Don't worry about your ex trying to use your MH issues against you. It won't work. Unless your DS is coming to active harm, SS or courts won't be UK interested. I'm sure you'll be well able to demonstrate your DS is cared for, no neglect, etc.

No court will look at your mental health issues in isolation. If they are made worse by the threatening behaviour if the gf then the courts will see that. Given his bizarre and frankly repulsive sexual behaviour I can't see a court in hell giving him access

My ex has just informed me by txt that his Dad has ended their relationship! I have tried to accommodate him as much as possible! I said he could pick my Ds up as early as he wanted but because he doesn't nap anywhere else but at home(he is at the angry and frustrated age of 19 months if he is tired) i asked he have him home at 1:30. I really don't understand what is happening today. Its a nightmare!

And i am not using my child as a possession. He is still young and i just ask that people work around his needs, not mine. Me and my son have established a routine as it works for both if us. I just ask people to respect that..

I personally think you should have a serious think about moving closer to your own family. You can’t prioritise your ex and his dysfunctional lot for the next 16 years. You need proper support as a single parent. It takes a village to raise a child and all that.

Yes, it’s inconvenient when separated parents live hundreds of miles apart, but it’s not insurmountable. You can’t continue to make yours and your son’s lives harder for the sake of an ex.

Would your ex consider moving with you back to your support network if his family have shut him out? You might both be happier.

I would move home, really think about it OP

Why make yourself miserable for other people.

I was taken to court by my emotionally abusive exmil, she got court ordered visitation even though her son hasn't even bothered to see DS in 3 years it does happen even when it shouldn't.

I would move back home. You need the support of family and friends.

Ex’s father has played into your hands now. You are free to move back nearer you family and supports (Court would more likely than not support this as being in the child’s interests). Ex is now free to move closer to your new home.
Good luck

I have proof of txt messages for those who think i have made this up. I really have alot more better things i could be doing than to sit and imagine this all up. Thanks for all the useful advice, i clearly have alot to think about. I thought by staying close to the father of Ds i was doing the right thing for both of them. I thought it selfish just to up and leave, i would have had it just been me. When me and my ex got together it was obviously long distance and he made it pretty clear that he wouldn't move from here which is why i made the decision to move. It was either move or our relationship would have ended. At the time i didn't want that, i had lost my dad to cancer prior to moving so maybe it was a bad decision. This is probably not relevant i am just trying to make some of you see that i am not a bad person, or a liar. I probably just make the wrong choices sometimes. Going back home is probably the best thing now.

I moved after my mum died, seemed like a good idea at the time. In hindsight, I was struggling to adjust to my old life without her, so attempted to make a new one.

Don’t beat yourself up for past decisions, move on, make new ones. New priority order - Child comes first, you come second, child’s father comes after you. You need a network that is bigger and stronger than just an ex.

Sorry I worded that badly. I don't think you're lying it's just sounds bonkers that exFil would do such things. (I like to bury my head in the sand about the bad people out there).
I'd be careful about what info you give to your ex.

OP, you really ought to consider moving back to your own network, and your ex will have to find a way to visit (train? bus?). They all sound toxic - an overused word on MN but I believe it's justified here - and you would be doing the best thing by your son if you can put him in a healthy supportive environment that is also good for your MH.

My only personal caveat would be to support your ex in seeing your son. Like you say, he is his father, so perhaps arranging a meet-up day monthly half way or somewhere easier for him to travel to?

Thanks to everyone that replied. As of last yesterday for some unknown reason my ex's Dad has ended their relationship and the step mother sent me a long message telling me its my fault and i should be ashamed... 😑 All this agro when all i did was try and arrange for them to see their grandson but they wanted to call the shots.

Oh well. You can't please everyone.

Thanks again, your advice has given me alot to think about. X

@lyralalala

Grandparents have the right to ask court for the right to apply for access. Lots of shitty grandparents seem to throw out "I've got rights, I'll go to court" without actually looking into the process.

My MIL's best friend brought up her GD for 3 years, then had her 3 days a week for 3 further years. She has been given permission to apply for access by the court. It's taken almost a year and has cost an absolute fortune. There's still no guarantee that they'll win, and even if they win the chances of getting an enforceable visitation order is highly difficult. So I wouldn't be too worried in your shoes as you are offering access, just not on his specific terms.

Can i ask what visitation she got given? sorry i know this is a old thread.

Zombie

your FIL will need to prove a negative impact to your DS if he (FIL) is not granted visitation. It is very unlikely at 19 months that would happen

It's an expensive process. I have discussed it with a solicitor as I was worried about a NC parent trying to get access to my DC.

wow didn't notice it was so old!