To be annoyed by my dad’s comment?

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

I’ve been staying with my parents for the weekend. They have a very traditional relationship with my dad as the breadwinner and my mom a full-time housewife. In recent years, my mom’s has mobility issues, so she doesn’t do the ‘big shop’ anymore as she finds it a struggle. My dad seems to equate the task with climbing Everest on a weekly basis.

Mom recently had surgery because of the mobility issues, so hasn’t really been able to do much at all. Earlier my dad was having a long moan to me about how he works all day and now not only has to go to fetch the shopping, but do all the cooking as well. He then said to me ‘It’s alright for you - your life’s your own’.

I tried not to hit him over the head with a blunt instrument, tempted as I was. Instead I pointed out as calmly as I could that, while he’s been doing the shopping and cooking on top of work for a few weeks, I’ve been doing that my entire working life, and will continue to do so until I retire. That pretty much everyone does this.

First of all I got, ‘Well, you know what I mean; you go out, you enjoy yourself. You’re always out and about somewhere’. I replied that the cooking, washing, ironing etc. was still waiting for me when I got back. Then it was, ‘But it’s different for you. I’m old, I’m tired’.

I do get that it can’t be easy suddenly having to do more rather than less as you get older. But did he have to suggest my life is all beer and skittles by comparison? I think the ‘out and about’ comment was because I told them about a play I’d been to see and that I’ve booked a weekend away. But there are plenty of nights where the most exciting thing I do is a pile of ironing.

AIBU to be pissed off?

Ignore his whinging and tell him to hire a cleaner.

Sounds like they've both been going through a lot, sure he wasn't just getting a bit of it off his chest? He perhaps just feels a bit overwhelmed and worn out?
Seeing the woman he loves starting to age could be hitting him, he could genuinely be tired due to his own work and the extra tasks, and I'm sure father figures are supposed to play the miserable hero aren't they?

Just tell the grumpy old git to stfu and have a giggle of a cuppa

I think you are not BU but maybe you over reacted. He is clearly doing more than he feels is fair and he isnt used to it. Hes having a whinge and maybe is under a lot of pressure with your mums situation. I find we are a totally different generation and far more social than our parents so maybe hes feeling hard done by. I know when my DH is ill and I've had to do "everything" I feel snappy and irritable.

Just ignore him.

But on a separate note, could you maybe teach your mum to online shop? I'm just thinking that if he was moaning to you he may moan at her and make her feel bad. So you would be easing that for her and also easing his workload if you taught her to do it from home.

You need yo introduce them to online shopping.

Would make your mum's life easier while your dad is so bent on being a dick.

My Dad after 50 yrs of my Mum running round after him has had to take on the mental load of looking after them both as she has had a horrific fall and subsequently dementia set in as a result. It has def been a shock to the system!!

My sister sorts click and collect for them - we haven't quite persuaded them to do online shopping themselves yet and Dad is quite techie

He might be feeling a bit overwhelmed if he has responsibility of full time breadwinner, doing the housework and shopping, and then helping your mother (and likely worrying himself sick) with her needs and health issues

Ask him if hiring a cleaner to come in once a week/for night or month would help them.both out

Also tell him he could.do the big shop online...if he isn't internet savvy, get him to write his shopping list and show him how to order it online and book a delivery slot (tescos let you book time slots)

Don't be hard on him, if he is looking after your mother then he is essentially a carer and carers can feel burned out

For many years I worked full-time and also brought up the kids. I did nights as a nurse and therefore most of our childcare was entirely my job, whilst DH enjoyed hobbies and a good social life.

Now I have an arthritic hip, can hardly walk, on a waiting list. The adult DCs have left home and DH is having to do much more than ever before in our home. I still work, earn money and have employed a cleaner, but he needs to do much more than ever before. This might involve carrying the dirty laundry baskets downstairs, then taking the washing out to the tumble dryer, which is in our garden shed. Or doing some shopping, maybe cook for himself. It seems that this is a massive ask for him.

After years of having a servant, DH needs to learn to look after himself. Possibly your Dad needs to hear this same message.