How do you know someone is in love with you...

[lovedandlost]

...as opposed to loving you?

I can't sleep and as usual my mind has gone wandering to the past.

Thinking back over all my relationships, including my marriage, I would say with conviction that none of the men were in love with me. Loved me, yes; in lust, yes; in love with the idea of being in love, yes. But actually truly, madly, deeply in love? No.

I have done a great deal of soul searching over the years, especially the last one (since joining MN and learning a lot from others), as to why I'm so crap at relationships and choose abusive in some way men. As a result of this self discovery I'm staying single.

I do not think I will ever find that kind of love. I'm not even sure it exists. I'm not talking about fairytale Hollywood type romance but the kind of solid love that lasts despite life's challenges. I have only ever known abusive relationships so I have no concept of normal really.

I'm probably not explaining well thanks to the painkillers muddling my head but hopefully you get my drift.

Aibu to think that being in love is different to love? But can anyone explain how it is different and how you know that someone is in love with you rather than loves you?

He tells me and he shows me in a million little ways. There’s always petrol in the car. The bin is never full. Anytime I admire something he makes a mental note and it’s wrapped up and given to me next birthday or Christmas. I feel listened to, respected, believed in. He is wise and compassionate about my family. He is always on my side but still knows how to tell me when I’m wrong. He isn’t perfect but he tries to be the best husband and father he can be at all times and he makes me want to be a better person.
And the sex is still great. After 21 years.
I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve him. I don’t really deserve him.

I think love is such a catch all word, and so tied up in our formative experiences that it’s impossible to discuss in any meaningful way.

It might be more helpful to consider respect and trust and maybe kindness as fundamental aspects of what we mean by love.

A partner who respects me understands that I am his equal as a human being; that while we have different strengths, abilities and perspectives neither of us is ultimately lesser see or greater.

Trusting others generally starts with your own self. People who are honest and upright generally don’t suspect others of dishonesty. But conversely there are healthy boundaries to trust as well.

Kindness is love in action. Partly it’s the daily discipline and practice of saying please and thank you and showing consideration. But it also helps you push past your own anger when you row because you’d rather be kind to the other person than right.

I agree they’re two different things. I both love and am in love with my DH and vice versa.

I find it interesting that the number of couples who had an arranged marriage don't have anywhere near the divorce rate of those who marry for so called 'love'. A bit off topic but got me thinking its quite strange.

If you come from a culture of arranged marriage, you've no way out.

“I love you just the way you are”

I think there’s something in that. I’ve had a relationship with claims of love but he was always trying to change me, better me.

My current relationship is absolute acceptance of who I am, the good and the bad without any desire to change me.

The first type of ‘love’ is predicated on something about them, how I reflect on them. The attachment / security is the thing they yearn not the actual person. In many ways, could be anyone.

The second type is a bond with me, who I am, an enhancement of self, an addition to self, stronger together type of thing.

It does exist OP. But generally in the darkest of places and when people can't do much about it.

Sounds cheesy I know, but we fell in love at first sight and are now happily married over 30 years. Neither of us have loved anyone else. I don't think love is a fairytale. I believe in it 100% and feel grateful every day. I just knew and I know. It is one of those 'truths which lie too deep for taint' (Wilfred Owen).

Sorry if that's not very helpful, but there is some cynicism on this thread which I don't share.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.

I truly believe the mistake is in thinking you find love; that it’s sometching elusive and is entirely dependent on the other person. Love and being in love is something you work jolly hard at. It’s commitment, it’s working through the challenges, it’s accepting we all have frailties and all have bad days. The reward for that work is enduring and constant, unconditional love. That’s where the notion of Cinderella status disappears and reality becomes a much nicer state.

Love is about giving not receiving.

I've only ever had one proper relationship and that was with dh - the rest were more superficial - like friends who shag...there was no depth. Dh and I did have fairy tale romance - we had circumstances/obstacles to overcome but nothing got in the way, we took a massive leap of faith. He is kind (very underrated quality) supportive, funny, sensitive, clever, generous and for some reason 20 years on he still adores me.

I can't agree that being in love and loving someone is jolly hard work. I find it effortless with DH and it just is. Same with our relationship, it really doesn't require lots of work to make and keep it feeling good and working well. If you're constantly having to work at a relationship then it's probably because they're just not the best fit for you.

millythepink I don’t think it’s constant hard work. I think you have to work hard at it by being thoughtful, by being kind, by putting their needs above your own sometimes. Most of the time, it is easy but life inevitably throws challenges and they are the time couples have to work harder at maintaining what they have.

An unplanned or very sick baby, a redundancy, ill health, extended family tensions, money worries all create added pressure and are times couples are likely to have to work harder at remembering and cherishing what they have.

For my dh and I, there was definitely a feeling of where have you been my whole life. It was like I had found the one soul that God had created me to be with. It was the feeling that for the first time in our lives, we could be completely ourselves, no airs, no graces, no mask that would hide the real self. It was surreal, in my whole life, I can honestly say that I have only truly been myself with my dh. It was a deep connection that was overpowering and frightening at the same time.

I knew that first date that I had met the man I would marry. My DM saw it in my face and actually said to me ‘you think you have met the man you are going to marry don’t you!’ Our love honestly grew stronger every day, it was surreal, every day I would think that I couldn’t possibly love him more than I already did, yet every day I loved him more and sixteen years later I still feel that way. I know he feels the same way.

My dh had to give up everything to be with me, his entire family. It was devastating to him (to both of us) yet the love we felt for each other, more than compensated for that loss. (It was MIL and FIL who hated me and basically forced dh to choose) MIL would ask dh how he even knew what love was- she certainly didn’t believe in love like dh and I had. If she had realised the depth of the love that we have for each other, she would have given up and realised it was impossible to destroy what we have.

Our love has seen us through more than most people go through in a lifetime. I became severely disabled and my dh has lovingly cared for me throughout. He hasn’t changed how he sees me despite my body being completely different. I am several stone heavier, I am weaker and far more dependent- yet he still looks at me with the same awe and love that he did when we were first together. True love can stand the test of time and body and whatever life can throw at it.

While I am not spiritual, I can't really describe it any other way but he loves my soul; the very essence of my being. He doesn't care about the inside, but all the thousands of things that make up me. I can tell from the way he cuddles with me in bed that he genuinely means he would be devastated if anything happened to me.

I am the same. Its hard to describe, but I love every part of him as a person. Even the things that get on my tits, I love as it is what makes him, him. He asks me if there is anything I would change about him, even the annoying things, but I say no. As every part of him, annoying or not, is what makes him my husband.

And even when I'm annoyed, angry or upset, I still love every part of him. As he does me.

I am thankful every day I met him, and the only thing that scares me is our age gap as he is nine years older. I can't imagine living on alone if he passed before me (which is likely). The thought breaks me.

I think loving someone is how you love your children and in love is the love you have for your sexual partner.