It's more am I being overly sensitive

[Ashleymc1988]

I have sat on this for a day and will try and keep it short but I don't know if I can go back to normal now afterwords and it may be too much information so I apologise

I have had a baby ten weeks ago exactly,I had some problems after birth. Such as a dural leak of my spinal fluid which resulted in spinal headaches which were horrendous and then on the 23rd of dec I woke up with total paralysis of the left side of my face which turned out to be palsy due to the dural leak (and to this day has not returned to normal) I can't shut my eye,blink,smile,drink from a cup eat at that side and it's visible when I speak I struggle with anything with b or p in it. During this time my fiancé iof 8 years had been amazing.looking after me reassuring me ect. At the time I think I was in shock and just expected to wake up and be ok. But we're ten weeks down the line and my confidence is at an all time low and I'm panicking about things such as I don't want to organise the christening because of my face, I have no pictures with my son because of it I just don't look like me and I'm so self conscious and I know my fiancé doesn't know what to do or say anymore and can tell when I'm just in tears over just meeting someone I knew while out at the shop and they ask innocently what's up with my eye or have I been to the dentist I then get worse and more self conscious. I also have tried to go on the pill since having my son but can't due to hormones incase it affects my recovery, I tried coil but I've to wait for my hospital appointment with a consultant tomorrow before then getting the copper coil. So in terms of our sex life there's only so much we can do if that makes sense as we used a condom and it burst (just our luck as everything has been going wrong)

So fast forwarded to yesterday when basically I wasn't in the mood for having sex and not anything in reference to my face just because I'm a tired mum lol, and my fiancé went in a mood about it. He then rants about how I can't do certain things now that I used to so it's affecting him and basically saying certain things such as oral I've not attempted or even tried when I know he likes it.(bearing in mind I can't control or use one side of my face and I'm just embarrassed)and I just feel even more self conscious than I did. Didn't realise this was such a long post and intimate so I apologise

Tell him to fuck off. I've got a twelve week old, I've not had the serious problems you have, just episotomy that took a while to heal, nipple infections etc usual stuff , we haven't had sex yet at all, in fact DH sleeps most nights in the spare room at my request. I'm only just starting to get more than two hours sleep at a time and I can't have his snoring jeopardising that, he hasn't complained once. Your DP is awful. You need love, support and consideration, not sexual bullying

I actually feel so shit now and I can't even look at him he's apologised all day ect but what he said to me which is too graphic I can't just forget it was just so hurtful xx

Oh OP this sounds truly awful for you. Will it get better or is it likely to stay this way? I am not surprised your confidence is knocked this must be very hard for you to come to terms with especially at this time in your life with a new baby. Your husband up to now does seem to have been supportive and it must be hard for him to deal with too so try not to be upset over his comments. Have you explained to him how this has affected your confidence?

He's being a dick - hopefully this was just a temporary reaction to tiredness and stress not his usual personality?

Even after a perfect, textbook birth lots of women are too tired and overwhelmed or hormonal 10 weeks post partum to think about having sex. Surely your fiancé realised his sex life would be affected when he had a baby?

He’s an absolute twat. Nasty piece of work.

Even after a perfect, textbook birth lots of women are too tired and overwhelmed or hormonal 10 weeks post partum to think about having sex. Surely your fiancé realised his sex life would be affected when he had a baby?

This ^^

You are not being overly sensitive OP, he's being an insensitive twat.

Most people aren’t having any sex that soon after a baby, I didn’t with my first and had a normal delivery (still hard but nowhere near the problems you’re facing!). So he needs to wind his neck in.

I guess it is possibly hard for him as well with a new baby and he is worried about you so being kind to him maybe it was just an outburst and if he is genuine in his apology I would try to forgive and move on. You do say he has been supportive otherwise.

There's no guarantees I may make a full recovery no set time frame could be 6-9months I may make partial recovery or none. There is no treatment though so it's just a waiting game which for me is the thing that's worse. He has been supportive with a few wee snaps here and there not about sex though just like him saying it's hard for him too as he doesn't care he loves me ect and is treating me how he always has done but then he gets worried that he'll say something that makes me cry.which tbh it's not him that has upset me until yesterday and it was just horrible xx

OP, what you have had to endure, and are continuing to whilst also looking after a newborn, is horrendous. I hope that it begins to normalise soon, if it helps I had a friend with facial palsy and it did go slowly back to normal over a period of months, so there's certainly good hope.

As for your DP, what an utter knob to say that. Worried about you not being able to give him oral??? God, it's almost laughably pathetic. I'm sure he feels awful now though, perhaps or came out all wrong.

Look after yourself, worrying about sex at all is the last thing you need, and he definitely shouldn't be making you feel worse than you already do x

So you don't want to blow him and he's sulking about it? He needs to grow the fuck up and support you.

I'm so sorry OP, having a newborn is hard enough without any other issues. I had a few minor issues after my first, I kind of forced myself to have sex after 10 weeks and looking back, I shouldn't have, I wasnt physically or emotionally ready. The tiredness, the emotional upheaval, the changes to your body, the feeling like your body doesn't belong to you, the lack of time to yourself....Just doesn't make you feel sexy at all. I think it was a few months til i attempted it again. So the fact you're even doing anything given what you're going through I'd say is more than he should be expecting. And moaning about not giving him oral is just immature and shows a lack of empathy and support. It's no wonder you're upset.

You are not being over sensitive and that was a really cruel and nasty thing for him to say. Trying to look objectively, is he mega tired and stressed too? I only ask because although what he said was inexcusable, tiredness can cause us to behave in ways we aren't proud of sometimes. I'm not suggesting it's an excuse, but if he's been great up until now, and is mega apologetic since, maybe it's worth (for your sanity) giving him the benefit of the doubt.
But of course telling him that if he ever says anything like that again, you'll chop his balls off!
I hope you feel better soon x

Jesus fucking christ what a horrific thing to say.

I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult time. I can see he must be tired and affected too but nothing excuses that behaviour.

I suggest you are absolutely honest with him about how that made you feel and why. He may feel tired /frustrated etc but he has no right to treat you as an object whose orifices are failing to serve him by not being fit to put his cock in. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly.

Hope you are on the mend soon.

Oh shit, what a nightmare for you! What a tough time you're having.
I had a similar palsy of the eye muscles on one side after the birth of my third child, which was finally corrected during surgery 10 months later and it was truly the worst time of my life. I feel you. I looked awful, and had double vision so couldn't drive (live rurally). It was made worse by screens so I couldnt distract myself easily either. I basically cried and fed my baby for 10 months.

No advice but lots of hugs and empathy xxx

Aww, bless you OP! It’s stressful enough having a baby so young without all the added stress you’re going through and how awful you must be feeling about yourself. I hope you and your fiancé work it out soon and you recover as quickly as possible xx

Even without any of the backstory he was a selfish wazzock, if you're tired and not in the mood that's end of conversation in my house. No negotiation, let alone a tantrum!

Are you getting all the support you could be getting from your health visitor and so on? We have a support group for those with ppd local to me, I wonder if you have something like that which might be helpful?

Sometimes how we feel isn't very nice, it's ugly and nasty and so we keep it to ourselves. I can only imagine that what has happened to you has been frightening for him as well and because he isn't sick he has been ignored with plenty of people being worried about you and the new baby. What he said isn't very nice but at least it was honest. Most of your post was focussed on how you feel about the pain and how you look. You say he's been great so I think you should write off his comments as tactless and move on. While trying to remember that you have both been negatively affected by what has happened to you.

Mumunderthemoon Take two steps back-unless you've ever been through a traumatic birth and recovery you have no idea what the OP is going through-of course her post is all about how she feels she's been through a life changing and is still experiencing it

^ Life changing EVENT

I won't step back, she asked if she was being overly sensitive. I was only pointing out that while her feelings were absolutely valid her fiancé has some big, scared, not nice feelings of his own which may well have been overlooked and for both of their sakes the best thing to do would be to consider his words tactless and coming from a place of fear and frustration.

MumUnderTheMoon she shouldn't have to feel responsible for his feelings as well as the awful shite she's had to deal with. Obviously he'll be having scary feelings but he should find another way to vent them. Just like we accept older kids want the younger sibling to go away but we wouldn't let their feelings affect the younger child. He needs to grow up and not do this to the OP again.