Mil and manners

[Idontmeanto]

My mil’s understanding of being a good hostess is that females are served first, from youngest to oldest. Then the males of the household. In the current family set-up this means my ds, youngest grandchild and male, is always last after several girl-child cousins and his much older sisters who he views as adults. This feels unfair and dated, although he’s very good about it. What does Mumsnet think?

That said, there's no way I'd eat a thing while my small ds sat there with nothing. I'd probably give him my plate or share with him while he waited.

I would hope you didn’t start irrespective of your child having food or not. Surely you don’t start until everyone has been dished up which means your child would have their food, otherwise it’s extremely rude.

Some people’s lives must be pretty empty if they get bent out of shape by a man treating them with basic courtesy.

Complete opposite of how we were brought up!

Men and boys first - more meat and potatoes as a throw back of being war babies - then women and girls. Also, men we offered seconds before women.

Nowadays, I serve based on behaviour, an attempt to keep it as fair as possible, who arrived first, etc. I.e. no specific order.

Except when we have guests in which case they are served first in any order that seems sensible. I would tend to start with children so parents can help them cut it up, etc.and then parents can tuck in when their's is served.

Everyday dining at home, all food is dished up together and we grab a plate each and eat on the lounge watching tv.

However when we have people over or onover to other people’s houses and sit and eat at a table, including buffet style serve yourself, women and children are served first, whether that’s serving yourself or being served. I would consider it normal. Men are not helping the women to eat ffs, they are not cutting up food and sticking it in women’s mouths, they are not dictating what women can eat. In actual fact, I think it’s great as the women and kids get all the best bits and the men get what’s left. OR one could argue, by the time the men are served your food has gone cold so 6 of one half a dozen of the other I guess. It’s considered good manners amongst the people we eat with and I would hope my kids continue this on.

In OP’s case, I cant see the issue. It’s her house, her rules. I think it’s good for kids to experience differences at different houses as it’s useful for life. Also, given no one gets to eat until everyone is served, what would it matter? Unless it’s a gathering of 100 people it really doesn’t take much time to serve from first person to last person unless something really weird is going on so it’s all no big deal.

Pishogue . I’ve never eaten with a double amputee but yes, I imagine that would be quite wearing. How would they have driven to the meal without their prosthetics? I guess they could have walked but even then their front door might pose a problem and they would probably return to put them on. Or they might use their feet as many artists do to paint. I’m sorry I can’t answer that.

Rotary club? No, thankfully Ive only been to one rotary club dinner. Ghastly affair where we were soldiers as slaves. I was young and naively thought this was for charity so was fine. Despicable men, dreadfully sexist. Nasty evening ne’er repeated. That is most definitely not the meals I am talking about.

I can spell women perfectly well. I was referring to wimmin - the self appointed, generally angry and men hating sub set of women that feels they have the absolute and only interpretation of equality. They are quite dismissive of women puts their introspective subset and feel any views at odds with their own is unacceptable. They do not represent all women.

When I was a child too long ago we weren't allowed to touch the cutlery or the food till everyone present was served and prayer had been said.

well,, somebody has to be served first....
her house, her rules (unless it causes any REAL issues?)

I serve the kids first to keep them quiet then everyone else digs in as they wish. DH is always last because he always chooses the second I'm putting food on the table to fuck off and do some unimportant task.

Pish - it is generally normal for women to be served first, particularly in restaurants or when you have guests over. It’s really nothing to get in a flap over though. I’ve never known restaurants to run out of food and surely, we’re talking about a few seconds? A minute’s interval at most? Who actually gives a hoot?

My view would be you are unlikely to change her and I wouldn’t get too worked up about this.
It isn’t a hill to die on.
Presumably he still gets fed?

“Life is unfair” is a key lesson children have to learn and the blunt reality is your son will likely get to enjoy lots and lots of lovely Male privilege throughout the rest of his life. So.... 🤷‍♀️