To think being hit as a child contributed to sexual abuse

[yellowcoat]

I actually feel bad saying this as in a lot of ways my parents meant well. It was just they smacked as a way to discipline.

It stopped when I was about 12/13 but it wasn’t that common at that age, but when I was 7/8/9/10 I was smacked a lot, at least twice a week. I was then abused by someone we knew quite well and I feel like i couldn’t say no.

I am so sorry that you were sexually assaulted and the only person to blame is the paedophile that touched you. I think it is natural to wonder or even obsess if X or Y was different would it not have happened, but you were a little girl and they were an adult. They would have done it regardless. You shouldn’t have had to say no.

Sending you so much good thoughts.

Please don't blame your parents.
We were all smacked as children, it was normal for most families.
Blame the person who did it...

Obviously I do. But I had to put up with it for years. It’s that haunts me.

You're not entirely unreasonable.

I was "groomed", before the days that people really started talking about grooming. Thankfully in my case, nothing too serious happened.

I had a similarly difficult relationship with my parents and never felt able to tell them, or ask for help while it was going on. I worried I would get into trouble.

In my case it was also someone in a position of trust, who knew about my home life, and knew that I was desperate to feel "loved". They took advantage of that in a way that they may not have been able to do, if I had felt secure at home.

That being said, I made the choice not to tell my parents at the time. Looking back, had I told them, they would absolutely have sorted it, because actually, they love me to death.

So, I think I was more vulnerable / at risk because of the home situation, but it's not actually their fault per se, it's the fault of the abuser that it happened.

I’m sorry for what you went though but I think yabvu tbh.

You sound like your looking for someone to blame - and that’s not your parents.

YABU

You know it’s not your parents fault. Don’t blame them

I think I know what you are saying - you were smacked so much you learned to be submissive and feel that adults ruled over you .

The sexual abuser played on that.

That’s right jasper

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest yellowcoat

I totally get what you're saying. My mother neglected me as a child and I believe that set me up to be sexually and physically abused by my brothers. I couldn't confide in her about the abuse as she had done such a good job in making me feel worthless and that I just had to put up with it.

Corporal punishment takes away your bodily autonomy, it teaches you that adults have a right to physically do things to you that you don't want to happen.

I can see how being scared to fight or refuse being hit for fear it would get worse would have lead to being scared to fight or refuse abuse.

I don’t think the op is necessary thinking about the smacking more about the “children should be seen and not heard” mentality.

I’m in my early 40’s and when I was a child it was definitely the adult’s word was golden, there was no talking about sexual abuse or any matters related to it. I was an adult when in my city the tactic changed so that underage prostitutes were treated as victims instead of perpetrators only 20 years ago.

Adults were the pillars of society look at Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris, the scandals within football, gymnastics and the Catholic Church.

Even now there is a thread on Gransnet debating whether a 12 year old child can manipulate a 27year old man into thinking she is over the age of consent.

You were a child paedophiles are extremely, very manipulative even now it would be impossible for a child to have a chance. The only person to blame is the person who abused you.

Ideas about children being subordinate to adults do help help abusers, they can use them to control and if it's what the child has been taught by their parents then it's the way it is.

Children should do what they are told, adults word is law etc

I hear what you're saying OP.

You're right that it probably didn't help and I do think we should teach children about bodily autonomy by not forcing hugs etc but assuming your parents were loving in general I think they and you were just victims of the culture at the time.

We can certainly learn lessons and reflect on how we should bring up our own children but it probably won't help you to blame your parents now.

I hope you've had counselling op. I'm. Very sorry for what happened to you.

We were all smacked as children, it was normal for most families.

No we weren't. I was never smacked as a child, neither was my DH. In fact I know lots and lots of people who were never smacked as children.

I don't think the OP is seeking to blame her parents but it is not unreasonable to want to understand the wider context in which abuse occurs and why she felt unable to speak out.

Yellow I can see how being taught as a child that it is acceptable for an adult to hurt you could make it harder for you to feel able to challenge the abuse you suffered. Perhaps even hard for you to see at the time that it was abuse and that you were not in anyway responsible for what was done to you.

@greendale17
Actually, the question was could it be a contributor and it could 100% have been a contributor.
The OP had difficulty approaching her parents, she felt like she couldn’t say no to an adult.

It’s a parents job to protect their children and hitting a child twice per week is excessive. Not recognising creepy behaviour (or over attention) to your children is negligent. So yeah, it’s a contributor and no, the OP is not being unreasonable

Research has shown that children who have already been abused in some form are more likely to then become victims of sexual abuse (Finkelhor, Ormrod, and Turner, 2007). So I think you have a point, OP.

You’re not unreasonable at all. I blame my father hitting me and my mother for my DV experiences. I wouldn’t have opened myself up to abusers if I wasn’t raised by abusers. People that are abused as children are a lot more likely to be abused/abuse others in later life. I’m sorry you feel this way OP

Yanbu You're not saying it was your parents fault, you are saying it contributed to you not being able to speak out.
I agree with this
Corporal punishment takes away your bodily autonomy, it teaches you that adults have a right to physically do things to you that you don't want to happen

I can relate to this. I’ve never actually thought about it but you have a point.

YANBU. The smacking probably led to fear and low self esteem which then left you vulnerable to abuse. I was also smacked fairly regularly as a child (it was my mum’s go to form of discipline). I was left with anxiety and low self esteem which caused me endless trouble in my adult relationships.

I don't think YABU.

I was smacked as a kid and it fucked me up TBH.

I had a lot of issues because I felt like my power and autonomy was taken away. I was being hurt physically by someone who was supposed to love me and I couldn't protect myself.

It started a chain reaction of bad feelings and low confidence in adulthood.

Although the person who sexually assaulted you (so sorry ) is obviously solely responsible for his actions its not unreasonable to feel that because your parent physically hurt you, you felt unable to stand up to adults or confide in them as that trust had been broken.

Hugs x

I can understand where you're coming from, OP.

DSis and I suffered SA as child at the hands of our F and others. My DM has asked a number of times why we didn't tell her. The reason was that we didn't expect her to take our side, as she and our F always seemed to be a united front, and yes, they both smacked us a lot. We had no reason to think that she would protect us.

And no, it wasn't my DM's fault, and I've told her that numerous times, as she's riddled with guilt. But there is still a feeling of anger towards her that she didn't protect us.

It's extremely uncommon for a very confident, well-loved child of attentive parents to be the subject of grooming. It's too dangerous for the groomer. They choose children who don;t feel they have a right to speak out for themselves. So yes, your parents are partly to blame for raising you in a way that meant you didn't feel you had a right to say no to an adult, or to confide in a parent.

I can see where you're coming from. Hitting just reinforces that as a child you have no say over what happens to your body, and that adults are to be obeyed at all costs.