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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make dd wear the same outfits to four Bat Mitzvahs?

80 replies

Dillydallyding · 24/02/2019 12:07

Dd is in Year 8 - her school has a significant Jewish minority and she has lots of Jewish friends. Four of these friends are having their Bat Mitzvahs over the next 4-5 months.

I understand that she needs a more formal outfit for the synagogue services, and then a party dress for afterwards.

As dd has had a huge growth spurt in the last year, she’s grown out of most of her clothes, so doesn’t currently have anything appropriate.

I told her yesterday that we would go shopping next weekend to find a party dress and an outfit appropriate for the services. But dd is insisting that she needs different outfits for each Bat Mitzvah as ‘it will be so embarrassing if she’s wearing the same thing at all of them as none of her friends will be’.

We aren’t exactly strapped for cash at the moment, but it seems very wasteful to buy her a different dress for each Bat Mitzvah.

AIBU?

OP posts:

PlatypusPie · 24/02/2019 12:48

I got great usage over Xmas out of the MOB dress I wore in October - it worked well for all the parties etc and I loved the cost per wear ratio coming down, and it didn't look weddingy out of context. So what if the same friends were there? What I was wearing was appropriate on all occasions.

But I am an adult and I agree that that isn't the same for teenage sensibilities. same formal dress for all ceremonies and then maybe two nice party dresses A and B that could alternate and be accessorised differently, or three at the most and wear the first last, by which time everyone will have forgotten it from its first outing !

QuestionableMouse · 24/02/2019 12:50

That looks a bit cheap and nasty (sorry )

You could do separates- a nice black skirt can be dressed up with a pretty top for the party and used for the formal bit with a plain blouse/cardie.

BrizzleMint · 24/02/2019 12:52

I can see her point, I hate shopping and dresses but even I'd want a different outfit for each one. I'd do a tour of the charity shops in posh areas or go on eBay like others have suggested.

MuddlingMackem · 24/02/2019 12:53

Try uk.romwe.com, they have some nice formal dresses and they're fairly inexpensive. We ordered a couple for DD and allowed a couple of months for us to get them, but they arrived in a couple of weeks. Nice quality for the price too.

Arowana · 24/02/2019 12:53

I think giving her a budget and helping her with some different options (eg one gorgeous outfit or four much cheaper ones) is a great idea. Never too young to learn how to spend wisely!

blueskiesovertheforest · 24/02/2019 12:53

One neutral colour skirt and a few different tops.

SpiritedLondon · 24/02/2019 12:55

Girls formalwear on eBay is a steal. I’m not sure what brands she likes and my daughter is only 6 but I’ve snapped up lots of dresses for weddings etc for £10 and under. Have a look - you’ll probably get several things for the price of one new outfit on the high street ( plus much more environmentally friendly to re-use)

Cla9 · 24/02/2019 12:58

I’d get a mix of skirts and tops so she could change them about and get a few different outfits? Or H&M do dresses at reasonable prices.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 24/02/2019 12:59

Could you have a day in a town with lots of charity shops? There's some near me that have everything for £1. Could be a fun day out trying on clothes and finding unique outfits.

Depending on your dd size you could buy ladies dresses which would give more options :)

SchadenfreudePersonified · 24/02/2019 13:04

do they have to be dresses?

Could you get perhaps one dress and perhaps a few separates that she could mix and match to give different looks (especially if she uses different accessories), and which she will also wear again (either together or with existing wardrobe items)?

RustyBear · 24/02/2019 13:14

Have you checked with other parents that the other girls concerned really are having a new outfit for each occasion? They may be telling their parents the same thing...

AnnaComnena · 24/02/2019 13:16

I think giving her a budget and helping her with some different options (eg one gorgeous outfit or four much cheaper ones) is a great idea. Never too young to learn how to spend wisely!

And tell her that if she doesn't spend all of it on outfits, she can keep what's left to put towards something else she wants, or put in her savings account. She might decide that one outfit is enough after all.

DappledThings · 24/02/2019 13:18

Would you wear the same dress to four weddings that all your friends will be at every time?

Yes. Why not? But then I probably wouldn't notice what others were wearing and couldn't tell you if anyone else had the same one 4 times or 4 different ones or anything inbetween

Ninkaninus · 24/02/2019 13:20

I would get her four separates, including two quite markedly different skirts, that all go together, that way she can do four different outfits very easily. Bags off eBay, two different ones. Two pairs of shoes, quite markedly different from each other. Fascinator or headband or some other fairly cheap accessory x 2 or 3. Maybe a short jacket to wear with one of the outfits to again create a totally different look.

I think it’s extremely unreasonable to expect her to show up to four very big events in the same outfit. Unless you really can’t afford it I’d think and shop smart instead to allow her to feel good about herself in relation to her friends.

CIT80 · 24/02/2019 13:23

My teen buys lots of second hand items from Depop so may be worth a look on there

NuffSaidSam · 24/02/2019 13:25

I agree with everyone else. Just one outfit for all four is a bit mean and you should try to find a compromise. I love the idea of giving her a budget and helping her to work through the options.

There are so many different ways to get four different outfits for a reasonable price without being too environmentally unfriendly. It could be quite fun to be creative with the outfit shopping!

BlimeyCalmDown · 24/02/2019 13:27

i'd wear the same outfit to 4 weddings

AnnaComnena · 24/02/2019 13:28

But then I probably wouldn't notice what others were wearing and couldn't tell you if anyone else had the same one 4 times or 4 different ones or anything inbetween

Years ago, a relative of mine bought a MOB outfit for her daughter's wedding (registry office and pub do, nothing fancy) then wore it to every subsequent family wedding at which she was a guest. It became known as 'Mary"s wedding outfit'. But nobody thought any less of her. It was a dress and hat that she wouldn't otherwise ever have any opportunity to wear, and she presumably liked it and enjoyed wearing it, so why shouldn't she get her money's worth out of it?

TansyTree · 24/02/2019 13:29

I'd probably take her to primark to get cheaper outfits

whatsleep · 24/02/2019 13:31

Also look on adult clothing websites like boohoo, newlook (good sales stuff). Also primark might be a good option. They tend to start from size 4 which makes them accessible for young ladies. There will be a lot that are not suitable but we’ve had some lovely bargains for our dd.

Yabbers · 24/02/2019 13:32

i'd wear the same outfit to 4 weddings

Me too. DD wore the same dress to multiple occasions and it doesn't bother her. Her friends did the same.

Perhaps those who wouldn't, were pandered to as kids when their mums bought into the "must have a new outfit" for every new occasion. In a society where we are supposed to be far more aware of waste, having a new outfit for every wedding is hugely wasteful. Teaching our kids it's unnecessary would be a good idea.

I totally agree with this being a bizarrely female issue. Nobody cares if their boys wear the same outfit more than once. DH can wear his wedding outfit to several different events and nobody bats an eyelid.

disneyspendingmoney · 24/02/2019 13:33

Please check out the types of Shuls (temple synagogue) where the mitzvah's are happening and are they all boys? Different shuls have different takes on things, just call the rebbi or better yet the rebka for a little chat about protocols.

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 24/02/2019 13:37

From your OP, I'm guessing you are not Jewish? (I am technically, but as my dad is catholic, we never did any cultural or religious stuff) If that's so, then don't worry anymore than if your DD were attending any other birthday party. The other girls will be dressed to the 9s because their will be competitions between their DMs to have the best BM, so their DD's must look the business at everyone elses too. Along as your DD is sufficiently smart and respectful for synagogue, no one else will judge what she wears, so I would suggest a couple of more affordable party frocks.

WatcherintheRye · 24/02/2019 13:38

Maybe get two formal outfits and two party dresses and alternate them? (Sorry if someone has already suggested this).

Ron's of tulle
Your typo sounds like the most downmarket dress shop ever!

runoutofnamechanges · 24/02/2019 13:39

I've just had a look at some photos to analyse what the girls were wearing at the last few Bat Mitzvahs I've been to

The parties are a bit of a fashion show. There are a few full on sequins and tulle dresses (mostly the girl whose Bat Mitzvah it is) but most of the party dresses aren't super fancy or expensive - the kind of thing you could pick up cheaply on the high street (even Primark). Mostly knee length sleeveless shift dresses in pretty plain colours or black, or with cold shoulder sleeves, a few strapless dresses with a flared skirt. Everyone has ballerina flats. I would go with the idea of giving her a budget so she can pick 4 cheap dresses or 1 expensive one.

She doesn't really need anything very special for the service, just modest and smart. The other girls will be more interested in the party dresses Has she got anything already that she could wear? A pretty summer dress with a cardigan, or plain skirt with a smart top?

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