I feel guilty but I don't want to do it.

[Phobic]

I have a phobia of flying, really bad, mostly due to claustrophobia rather than crashing and the feeling of being trapped. I take valium and have had CBT and am already on anxiety meds for anxiety.

My Mum on the other hand loves flying and loves going abroad but would not go alone especially now she's older and has been unwell. She has for years very kindly paid for holidays for us knowing that we wouldn't afford to go. Some of these have been abroad.
I've been forcing myself to go and fly so as not to spoil it for everyone even though it completely ruins my holiday as I start being panicked weeks before and then can't relax knowing I have to come back. I was very bad on the plane both ways a couple of years ago and in complete fight or flight (ironic) and said I couldn't do it anymore. It was making me miserable but would ask for CBT.

Last year my Mum desperately wanted to go abroad again and due to her age and health commented it might be her last chance and such so I'll be honest I felt a bit guilty and I was persuaded to go .
The country was lovely but the hotel wasn't what we expected and it wasn't the trip my Mum really wanted so I know she would like to go back but I was really really poorly with anxiety. I said that until I could afford proper help and get on top of my anxiety in general I couldn't fly as it was making me ill.

This afternoon my Mum has started talking to the kids about holidays and her wanting to go on a plane etc again. I even at this point suggested that my Mum go with the ( sensible teen ) children if she wanted to fly and I would stay home. She doesn't feel confident about this incase she takes ill which is understandable.

I feel awful, I feel guilty but I just can't. I've already tried after CBT and cancelled a weekend away which involved a very short flight because I can't do it.
I can't afford the airliner courses at the moment.

Help!

You can go a long long way on trains - there's more to it than eurostar to France.

Have a look at www.seat61.com, maybe it'll inspire some ideas for you and your mum.

don't do it

I don't really travel anywhere much, my dad died last year and mum just accepts she will not be leaving the country again - well, not with me anyway.

between my anxiety over travel and the fact that she is in poor health, she is realistic enough to realise it would be hellish. it's stressful enough keeping an eye on her knowing i can take her to the local hospital...!

it's not fair of her to keep asking you.

I'd definitely look into some Eurostar based trips as a compromise.

Thank you!
Will definitely look at the suggested audio book. There are places I would love to visit but I just can't at the moment.

Will definitely look at the European trains, as long as they don't involve lots of changing trains which she would struggle with.

Drum the reason I've not been in charge of the decisions is a lot of these holidays she's paid for the actual flights and room and I've just paid food and spends as she has paid knowing neither she or we would get a holiday otherwise so I've felt a bit cheeky dictating when she has paid.

Its a pity she assumes she can dictate though. I think I'd rather forego a holiday if there were conditions attached that affected my anxiety to the extent it does yours. Have a good think about what you will do when the conversation comes up again. Be firm. Can you afford a few days away with the kids in the UK? If so tell her you are choosing to do that and she is welcome to join you. Take back a bit of control for the sake of your sanity. You have been very obliging to date.

We've looked at cruises but she didn't fancy it

Why does what your mum doesn't fancy matter but what makes you so anxious you won't enjoy the holiday not matter?

...by which I mean, I think your mum is being very unreasonable and you should all plan a holiday which suits you too, nit just what your mum wants.

Have sent you a PM, OP

Even with ferries, you're not just restricted to France or Spain (or to departing from Dover).

Harwich to Denmark or Holland.
Hull to Belgium or Holland.

With trains and ferries, it might help to make the journey be part of the holiday (not just a means to an end).

(Denmark is on my list for this year, admittedly I'll be flying. We did it as a family by ferry to Ebsjerg years ago tho.)

You're supposed to suck up your fear on a regular basis and put yourself out massively but she just 'doesn't fancy' a cruise?

Just because she's paying she gets to unilaterally decide everything, and always picks something that you can't enjoy as it terrifies you?!

Stop pandering to her, she actually sounds very selfish. Emotional blackmail too with the 'this could be my last trip' comments