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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for help on getting out

25 replies

surethang · 23/02/2019 16:01

Long time watcher but finally joined as I need help.

I don't want to bore everyone as it's long but my partner is physically mentally and financially abusive. If I ask him to leave he'll hit me, if I ring the police he'll say I'm lying. If I go to my moms he'll go there he's not shy on causing a scene. Nobody in my family knows what goes on, he won't leave, I have nowhere to go, I'm trapped 😢

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 23/02/2019 16:03

you need a plan on getting out. There are lots of threads on here with amazing advice. Im here to hand hold until someone 'better' comes along to help you.

Doyoumind · 23/02/2019 16:04

Plan to go to your mum's. Pack and leave when he's not around. Tell her what's been going on. If he comes and causes a scene call the police. Speak to Women's Aid.

decoratingmad · 23/02/2019 16:14

Wish I could leave too! It's just not that easy.

Whisky2014 · 23/02/2019 16:16

Yes, go to your mum's. If he comes, call police

Original poster
surethang · 23/02/2019 16:18

I have a 9 month old who had additional needs so she sees a variety of different people at our home so I can't even sofa surf as she needs somewhere stable. He owns his own house but lives in my 2 bedroom flat, doesn't pay any rent, no bills, no food and then has used my spare bedroom (should be baby's room) into a room for his 2 children who stay 4 nights a week. If I show the slightest bit of negativity to the fact my nice little 2 bedroom flat is now housing 5 people on my maternity pay only then he hits me

OP posts:
Original poster
surethang · 23/02/2019 16:19

My mom has my 2 brothers moved back home so no room there for me if I tried

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/02/2019 16:26

Which country do you live one and is your home rented?

EllenRipley · 23/02/2019 16:27

It's so important that now you've decided to leave (well done) that you don't give up on the idea. It may take baby steps but there's ALWAYS a way. Is there absolutely no one you can confide in who could help? Is it worth taking a deep breath and telling family? I honestly think the police would take you seriously. If it's your home you need to get him out - perhaps a bit of disruption is necessary and you could go to family and see if he will leave (unlikely, I know, but if he doesn't then there may be further legal steps you can take in that situation). Are you in the UK? Women's Aid is a really good first step.

Keep this thread going - there are very many women who have been in your situation here and there is amazing support and advice on MN.

Be safe and keep your eye on the prize OP. X

BlueSkiesLies · 23/02/2019 16:28

Call women’s aid they will offer advice.

Since the house isn’t his in any way, it probably is just as simple as changing the locks whilst he is out and calling the police if he tries to gain entry by force.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 23/02/2019 16:28

You can do this.

First of all, make sure that you cover your tracks on line, so that he is not able to read what you are writing, here or elsewhere.

Contact Women's Aid - they will help you and put you in touch with local resources to support you.

Is he on the lease? If not, he has no right at all to be in your home. Ask your landlord if s/he will change the locks for you, at a time when your "Partner" is out of the house. If he is on the lease, you can go to court for an Occupation Order which means he has to leave (but I think they are usually temporary).

If you go to court you can get a Non-Molestation Order, which will mean he has to stay away or be arrested.

If you have had police involvement and are on a low income, you may be eligible for Legal Aid - Women's Aid will help you with this.

Is he the child's father?

Weebitawks · 23/02/2019 16:29

Is that flat in your name? If so the police will remove him

meorhim20 · 23/02/2019 16:29

are you in the UK?

Original poster
surethang · 23/02/2019 16:44

Yes I'm in the uk. My flat is council, he shouldn't be living there and if I put him on the tenancy I'll lose my housing and he point blank refuses to pay. I hate him and I hate my life, I need to leave for my daughter who he constantly say is the bane of his life even though she hasn't cost him a penny or a minute of his time 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
surethang · 23/02/2019 16:45

My family are the revenge type and telling them opens a whole new can of worms

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 23/02/2019 16:48

You NEED to leave or he will abuse your daughter the same way as he clearly isn’t nice to her.
Call women’s aid and don’t call the police, go into the station to talk to them, also talk to the council and explain your situation, a good housing officer will be able to help.

RandomMess · 23/02/2019 16:49

Speak to women's aid, I would "disappear" to a refuge and not necessarily a local one.

Original poster
surethang · 23/02/2019 16:52

He's buying a new house soon and I was hoping to hold out until then and when he's settled down I will get moved to somewhere else. I have to think of his two girls aswell if I leave they won't have anywhere to stay as they will lose the flat. Stuck between a rock and a hard place

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 23/02/2019 16:52

Do you know who your local domestic abuse agency is? If not, Women's Aid will tell you.

As PP says, go into the police station (if you have one!) and explain the situation to them. Go into the council's housing office and explain the situation to them, too.

What do you want to do? Get him out and stay where you are, or move away? You will get support whichever you feel is safest. The council may rehouse you elsewhere if this is going to be the safest option for you and your daughter.

nrpmum · 23/02/2019 16:58

@Surethang

He needs to think of his girls, not you. I would get the locks changed when he is out. Dump his stuff outside so he has no reason to come in, and if he kicks off call the police.

I know it is hard been there twice but for your safety, and your daughter's, you need to do this. Flowers

Keep posting. You've got this.

cordeliavorkosigan · 23/02/2019 17:05

Yes yes to women's aid. If he hits you again call the police. Change the locks. Have someone with you for when he tries to get back in. Tell him by text -- be safe. This will be so, so worth it.

Original poster
surethang · 23/02/2019 17:07

Will women's aid contact social services?

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 23/02/2019 17:17

He owns a house. It is HIS responsibility to provide an appropriate home for his children, not yours.

When you say he is buying a new house soon, do you have a definite time scale for that? Because I wonder if there is a chance he will string you along on that - if he is living free with his children at your house, the incentive to move out to his own place is quite low.

In any event, get support now.

Dragongirl10 · 23/02/2019 17:26

OH op he is a nasty piece of work, you are right you have to get away and safely, please put this in relationships you will get lots of help...

Amrad · 23/02/2019 17:27

If you tell the police he is abusive and has physically assaulted you they will take you seriously and help you. He is trying to scare you into not reporting him by trying convince you they'll believe him over you.

cordeliavorkosigan · 23/02/2019 19:22

If ss get involved , their aim will be to make sure your children are safe. They might be helpful. But others here will know if women's aid would call them. I don't think so. I agree the police will take it very seriously.

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