No intimacy before sex

[Blahblah79]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 yrs and in the beginning we did used to have regular adventurous sex, sex outdoors etc, but fast forward to today and I am 5 months pregnant with a almost 4 year old. We both work (myself 40+ hours per week) and on top of that there’s looking after our son and housework etc. The problem is my OH constant reference to sex. Granted he hasn’t had any for a couple of weeks now but the reason behind this is the way he goes about initiating it. I could quite easily go without at all at the moment but feel guilty for not ‘giving him any’ but I don’t feel turned on by how he wants it. He will often tell me he is going out onto the back patio and say to me ‘are you coming out to ‘stroke’ this!?’
Or he will ask ‘can I whip your tits out tonight?’
He really doesn’t seem to understand that this isn’t normal.
If I am laid on the couch watching tv or trying to relax (been having a lot of back pain lately) he will often just put his hands down my top for a grope to which I then feel bad if I pull his hands away.
This morning he woke me up at 7:30am before he went to work, (little one had got into bed with us through the night) to ask me if I wanted to go onto the patio with him.... to which I replied thanks for waking me up, even though I got with the little one yesterday and let you have a lie in!! this resulted in him going to work without him saying bye to me.
I know he watches porn and I think he thinks porn sex is the norm and this is why we don’t have any intimacy beforehand, I feel bad for not giving him any but I’m just too fed up of it all to care anymore

I'm sorry OP you must feel under constant pressure. It doesn't seem like appropriate behaviour in a partnership where intimacy and sex should be about both your needs and pleasure, and will change for a host of reasons over the years.

I think him reducing his consumption of porn would be a good start. And maybe a couple therapy sessions as a couple. A friend is a therapist and she told me once that at least 1/2 of the couples that come through her door one of the biggest issues is related to intimacy - often one partner wanting sex not intimacy, so you aren't alone.

His behaviour is seriously off and I wouldn't want to have to deal with that. It's inappropriate and not loving. I think it very clearly needs to stop. The comments, the insinuations. He needs to commit to some intimacy and asking you what you'd like. I know a couple for example that were in a rut (one wanting lots of sex, one feeling very uncared about) and they scheduled sex one night a week to start and one night a week for making out and other types of intimacy like a shower together, and no sex pressure but okay if it happened. He once again learned to woo in a healthy way, he put effort in, and they felt they got their relationship back. But both partners committed, and her dh wasn't saying anywhere near the type of stuff yours is, but was able to see his actions weren't what his wife needed. Plenty of ways to move forward IF your dh can change his gross behaviour.

I’m not particularly picky about sex initiation (we often initiate with ‘sex?’, yes we young have kids) but even I would be completely turned off by this. I would actually suggest seeing a sex therapist. You have tried talking to him about this but he clearly isn’t getting it. It will probably help having a third party to babkbyou up and help him understand.

Ewww he sounds gross 🤢 also sounds like he's very inexperienced and hasn't got a clue how to turn a woman on.

OP, it’s exhausting isn’t it. My DH is the same, right down to the suggestive comments. I’ve not been up for it for the last couple of weeks having had a minor operation. He actually expected congratulations for ‘not pestering you about sex’ for a few days, so he’s fully aware he does it. It honestly feels like I’m living with 3 teenage boys instead of 2 boys and a grown man.

Every so often a thread comes along which makes me so glad to be a single parent. I'm afraid this is one of them. Sympathies, OP. Your husband's behaviour sounds utterly vile. It would leave me with a fanny as dry as the Sahara desert. I think I personally would LTB over this, but only you know what's right for you in your marriage.

Oh my god ..op ...whack his pawing hands away when he puts them down your top ,with a fuck off perv.
Not in a month of Sunday's would I put up with that..the problem is he thinks your there for his convinience..yuk yuk and yuk..you've more patience than I have ....good job he's not married to me.

Your going to be breast feeding a baby soon...do you want baby on one boob and him groping another...I think it's time he learned your body is yours ,not his to touch when he likes ..
No I don't like that ,stop touching me ,stop groping me ,followed by. Fuck off ..I think you are way past being subtle,he needs fucking telling.

Oh dear! well your not alone in whats happening, this is a time honoured problem matey has his nuts bursting desired his woman but has forgotten that times have changed and now shes heavy with child and all is not as it was etc.

I've oft thought that it would be great if a man could be a woman and vice versa so they could understand just how the other feels and is;)

Ain't ever gonna happen course.

I really don't know just how you educute them to behave diffently as time goes on in a relatiionship sad to say but now I'm getting on a but the sex drive has quitened down a LOT no longer is the must get a shag fixiation that takes up so very much of the waking hours its bloody relentless old mother nature in her lets proproagte out genes and all that.

Yes i was rather like that but we came to an understanding after a while she'd let me do what I wanted but just get on with it! OK no great romance etc but in a way it worked, couse there were better times and more meaningfull sex was had. Not ideal at all but in the real world it worked for us.

He sounds a dream

Been with types like this.

I echo pretty much everything already said. So here's a cheer up:

Get onto youtube and search for 'Patio Song' by Euros Childs.

Yes, the end is in welsh but its actuly very endearing when translated. And its the bit before which might make you laugh.

My STBXH was also like this. Constant groping even when I pushed him off, yet he'd physically pushed me away in public when I'd gone to just hold his hand several times. We went to therapy and the therapist told me I was BU 🙄. You don't owe him sex and once you start to resent him it's very hard to get back any sexual attraction unfortunately.

Not nice OP. Definitely a huge turn off, before I got to the end I instantly thought he is thinking porn sex.
Talk to him he may not realise he is being demoralizing, if he gave a cuddle, helped extra with the house work, got up with DS without thinking it is your lie on, he is his Dad ffs, he needs to cope on, all relationships change especially with DC, he needs to grow up and take on the role of your partner, not your boyfriend then the attraction will flow.
Tell him Men changing beds and doing some vacuuming is a serious turn on in a 9 year relationship.
Hopefully an honest talk will sort it. I used to tell my DP stop acting like a juvenile sex pest, he got the hint.

As if on cue, DH has just done this over dinner, talking about paint colours:

Me: this one is the colour of such-and-such
Him: whereas this (points to groin) is the colour of magic

FFS. Thankfully he’s gone out for the evening now.

Whoever said “inbetweener” sounds spot on!

My DH went a bit like this in the last couole if Years. Been together 20 years and while we went through the stage years ago of shagging each other senseless at the slightest touch from the other person, we are obviously older now and life is very different, we have teenagers around and I don’t think DH realised that a paw of my crotch while I was standing at the sink, with the kids in the other room shouting at the Xbox, was a complete turnoff.

He would do things like say “while you’re down there....” if I was picking something up off the floor. Any chance of an innuendo. He used to “woo” me years ago, as someone else mentioned. Stroke me, get me in the mood. Slowly that stopped and somehow a come on became A grab of the crotch and a crude comment. It is a complete turn off to an adult if my age. It really does remind you of a horny teenage boy who doesn’t know what he’s doing. Combine that with hormones dropping in peri-menopause and things have been really difficult for us sexually these past 18 months, which has led to a downturn in general intimacy and loving feelings towards him .

However lately his inbetweener behaviour has just stopped. He is no longer sulking when he realises I don’t want to shag him the second he grabs my crotch. He is still being the good man he always was with parenting and household duties, and I can slowly feel my desire for him coming back as he has stopped all “demands”.

I think I’m lucky with DH as with us it could hve ended really badly with him seeking an affair if he didn really love me. But now I have hope we can get things back on track sexually because I am now seeing him as a man again and not an incompetent teenage boy!

Sorry, my post didn’t really address what I think YOU should do, OP. It’s a bit worrying that he can’t see things from yours point of view while you are pregnant etc. My DH was fab while I was pregnant both times. Very sensitive to my needs. Your DH’s behaviour sounds worrying because he is behaving like a teenager exactly at a time when you really need to depend on him to be a grown up with empathy and sensitivity.

I think you’re going to have to have a very blunt conversation. just tell he seems to have forgotten what a woman wants and needs and has reverted to the age of a 17 year old which is a total turn off for you.

Shannon: that’s the point where you need to either laugh out loud and tell him he’s just earned himself an audition in a remake of the Inbetweeners, or tell him you should get some green paint the colour of vomit. How can a man seriously think a woman would take that line seriously?!??

Better still, ask him “is it called Pink Slug”?

Curly I said, ‘what, you’ve got a Terry Pratchett novel down your pants?’ and he did laugh, but it just gets so boring.

. Yes, you outgrow that type of sexual joke when you’re in your early 20s I think.