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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to get a lift from friend who is a terrible driver

17 replies

MyView2 · 22/02/2019 11:35

I’m looking for some advice on how to deal with this sensitively whilst preserving my life!

There’s a small group of us that attend a weekly group activity and have all taken turns to drive together and share the lifts. Unfortunately there is one lady (we’ll call her Jessie) who I feel is a danger to be on the roads and I dread every time it is her turn to drive.

There are others in the group that feel the same way and we have tried subtly to avoid getting in Jessie’s car by insisting someone else drives, telling her there’s no need to use her petrol etc but this approach is not getting through and Jessie is insistent that she takes her turn.

Jessie is a lovely person and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings but at the same time I really feel very unsafe with her at the wheel.

Any suggestions on how I can deal with this sensitively, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Her friendship is important to me but I really cannot face being the passenger in her car anymore.

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 22/02/2019 11:38

What does she do that makes you feel unsafe?

PatchworkElmer · 22/02/2019 11:45

I have a friend like this. If you don’t want to tell her, maybe just say that you have to do something before/ after and will make your own way there? Appreciate that’s not ideal.

I have another friend who’s just said she’s a very nervous passenger and would prefer to drive herself.

mystifiedinbrighton · 22/02/2019 11:48

I have a family member in this category. I simply will not get in the car with her (or her husband), and I won't let my DC either. I just always have an excuse. Just say you need to collect somebody on your way home, or nip to the supermarket, or something.

Fortheloveofscience · 22/02/2019 11:52

Yes, I have friends who I won’t let drive me anywhere. Difficult to see how it’d work in this scenario though without saying something...

Witchend · 22/02/2019 12:02

If she's genuinely a dangerous driver, you need to report her. How would you feel if you hear she's knocked down and killed someone?

DingDongDenny · 22/02/2019 12:34

I have a friend like this. They are an anxious driver and don't react quickly to hazards. I don't think they have had a serious accident, but it feels like a lot of near misses. They do drive really slowly though

I always offer to drive and use the excuse that I live further out

ThameslinkSurvivor · 22/02/2019 12:42

You’re just going to have to be honest with her.

It’s going to be pretty obvious to her that she’s the only one who’s ever not given a lift.

dietcokemegafan · 22/02/2019 12:48

If you genuinely think she isn't safe then you should be telling the DVLA. you can report via their website.

CantStopMeNow · 22/02/2019 14:04

we have tried subtly to avoid getting in Jessie’s car
STOP being subtle and avoiding the issue!
If she's a dangerous or irresponsible driver and you feel scared with her behind the wheel then you absolutely should NOT be prioritizing her feelings above the safety of everyone else!
She NEEDS to know her driving is bad.

Just tell her straight why you don't feel comfortable getting in her car.
Then she has the choice to either be a more responsible driver or stew in her own juices.

I've had a few of these conversations with friends unfortunately....one was so 'laid back' in his style of driving that he'd regularly have 'near misses' because he either didn't look for oncoming traffic or failed to accurately judge the distance between his car and others.
Another was driving whilst coked up to her eyeballs but naive me didn't know the signs until she casually/laughingly mentioned it whilst speeding down the fast lane of the motorway
Another chose not to tell me they had thousands of pounds worth of drugs in the boot of their car until we got to my place

People who play with your personal safety like this are not friends and can't be trusted - and you owe them fuck all.

B3ck89 · 22/02/2019 14:08

Completely agree with poster above

Stop putting her feelings about the safety over other people.
If her driving is that bad, she needs to know.
How would you feel if she had a serious accident and someone was seriously hurt, or worse and it was at the hands of your friend.
Stop pussy footing around and tell her straight.

Surfingtheweb · 22/02/2019 14:10

You should tell her not just for you but for her, if an entire group of people think she is lethal she should seek an advanced driving course before she kills someone. This isn't a nasty thing to say to someone. I used to be a bad driver & everyone told me 😀

Original poster

MyView2 · 22/02/2019 15:42

Thank you for all your responses, they are really helpful. To give some clarity she is an older lady, she’s not on drugs or anything but she has the habit of missing exits off roundabouts, being in the wrong lane and in my view doesn’t seem to see very well when driving in the dark. She is aware that people don’t like her driving but doesn’t feel ready to give it up, I suppose because it still gives her a level of independence.

You are right of course, that her own feelings on the matter are of lower priority than safety on the roads so I will give some thought on how to get this across whilst retaining our friendship if that’s possible.

OP posts:

icannotremember · 22/02/2019 15:49

She sounds a bit like my mum's elderly neighbour, who still drives but shouldn't. My mum has to go with her to the petrol station when she needs to re-fuel as she can't do it herself... and then my mum will phone and tell me that she nearly got them killed, didn't see an oncoming car etc, but get really cross with me when I say that she needs to flat out tell her neighbour that she's a danger and should give up driving. Oh but it's her independence, my mum says. Yeah. Until she bloody kills someone.

MitziK · 22/02/2019 16:44

I'd be suspecting cataracts. And people are arseholes when their driving is being criticised.

You're going to have to be blunt.

'I am not getting in a car with you. I'd rather drive every week than spend my time wondering whether you're going to kill us all'.

StillMe1 · 22/02/2019 16:58

@CantStopMeNow That is very perceptive of you.

I tend not to think that females are taking drugs but I am forced to think along those lines with someone I know. It is nerve-wracking to be in a car with one friend. Not long passed the test, thinks she is the best driver ever and has to be speeding on every type of road. My nerves just won't take it. I claimed to get car sick if I am not the driver so have to go in my own car
I would find it hard to report anyone

eggsandwich · 22/02/2019 17:01

My dh’s eyesight was terrible before he had his cataract operations done in both eyes, honestly I’d be a nervous wreck getting in the car with him, in the end I insisted that I drove as I couldn’t take how close behind cars he was, I use to say to him you need to push for the operation as the opticians said one eye needed doing and the other eye could wait in the end he had them done and his eysight is brilliant.

BackforGood · 22/02/2019 17:10

If she is the danger on the roads that you describe, then you have to tell her that. So must your friends.
I expect her driving (maybe her eyesight) has deterioriated gradually and she my not realise what a danger she is. The more people that tell her, the more likely it is to drip through to her.
One person she might think rude, but if 6 people tell her over the course of a month, she must start to believe there might be something in it.

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