bad MH day at work

[Malpais]

I've been heading towards a wobble all week and now I'm in the office and have spent 25% of my day so far crying in the toilets. No one notices because I basically work alone - no team or manager, so at least me being completely pitiful flies under the radar.

AIBU to not know what to do or even what I want from this thread. I want to go home and sob my eyes out but equally I don't want to be that weak. There are far too many factors upsetting me and each and every one of them is absurd, and the cherry on top is that I feel panicked about my inability to control my anxiety.

In short IABU to be crying at my desk and posting on mumsnet right now - but without pouring salt in my eyes to dry them up how do I stop BU?!

You're not weak. I suspect that you have just tried to cope with too much for too long, and with too little help. Have you been to your GP and been honest about how you feel? Is there any genuine reason why you absolutely cannot go home - and I am talking about working in emergency services or air traffic control kind of level?

You go and talk to your GP as a first step.

This isn't a normal way to live, you need help to get yourself out of it. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

No good reason I can't go home except that I'd have to make some kind of excuse to someone above me - the obvious choice has just returned from a prolonged stress leave and I don't want to look like I'm trivialising her experience because I'm having a shitty day.

Yes I probably do need to see my GP, I am on antidepressants and part of this freak out is concern that they aren't working any more, or maybe I've skipped or doubled a dose without realising, I've been feeling ok for a few months and thinking about seeing a GP about reducing them - especially since being told by someone close to me that I "clearly don't have anxiety" because of the way I act, I just feel like a fraud and that I have no right to these feelings and yet here they are, consuming me.

D&V is always a good one. Take the day off, go home and do something nice for yourself. You're not being productive at work anyway so you might as well be at home where you can relax and find something to fill your mind. I'd find something inane on Netflix and just chill.

Go home sick and take the 7 calendar days which hopefully tides you over to the GP appointment. See it as a strategic retreat / not a weakness.

Also the excuse could be that you are on some medication for an issue you are managing with the GP there's something wrong with the dosage which is affecting your ability to work. You need to see the GP to check dosage etc. Near enough to the truth.

I'm still here, still wading through. I don't like taking time off work because I always worry there's something worse around the corner - what if I get the flu next week and they don't believe me. I hate my fucking brain.

I totally understand. I have days like that. Sometimes I go home and that's the beat thing to do. Sometimes I stay. It's lunch time, can you go for a walk and clear your head a bit? I then find that giving myself a mindless yet absorbing task and listening to headphones helps. I turn off email notifications too so I don't get stressed out by then. Alternatively, is there any online training you can do? A good webex will kill a bit of time. If all else fails, I've got the kindle app on my PC and will download a book and pretend I'm reviewing a document while reading it.