DD "babysitting" every night

[HighlightsandHeels]

Due to going back to work DH can no longer collect DC (14 & 8) from school.

DC are in same school and rather than get a nanny DD1 wants to bring DD2 home after school every day.

I see her point that she feels to old for a nanny but had some concern that it's too much responsibility, especially given comments on another thread re inappropriate caring responsibilities. Is it unreasonable?

Blimey! £100? A month, I assume? Even so, that's a huge amount. OK, maybe a rethink on upping the allowance, but that will be difficult to explain to a 14-year-old, and still not possibly fair, if she's been used to getting that much without doing any school pick-ups.

You’re in a good position. BOTH girls want the same thing and there’s an ad hoc ASC. Either can let you know if they’re unhappy with the arrangement. DD1 needs to understand that you’re happy to use the ASC occasionally, but not frequently and it needs to be prearranged with you.

Don’t pay her. It’s part of family life & something she wants. Seemingly. I think it’s quite possible that she’s doing a deal with the devil - this is a better option than a nanny! But once she realises SHE could come home alone while DD2 goes to a childminder or ASC she might well change her mind. However, I would make it very clear that DD2 will be coming home after school, whether DD1 brings her or a nanny brings her.

There are students who will do this for you if you need ASC.

You’ll need rules of course - where they’re allowed to go after schoool, who is allowed in the house & what you expect of them both.

I was 13 & my siblings were 9 & younger. The worst thing was having all the responsibility but no authority. Like your DD1 I didn’t want a childminder anymore, so it technically was my choice, but I struggled with them telling me ‘YOU can’t make make me’ (homework/jobs/change out of uniform) then ME getting in trouble because they hadn’t done it 🙄😖 for intelligent people, I’m not sure how my parents never got that sorted out!

I would do what you suggest without a second's thought. You have ASC for if she can't do it for any reason.
And if she goes off the idea of the constant responsibility, or it gets in the way of her other plans in general then you can rethink the nanny idea. No harm done.

I have asked my 14 year old to pick up my two youngest from primary school on an ad hoc basis. My advice to you is that you always have a chat every morning to check that it is still ok and she hasn't forgotten something. There have been days when I have assumed it is ok and she has assumed I didn't need her and then there was a last minute panic.

I think if the 2 girls get on ok and can be relied on not to fight or create mayhem, then it's fine.
I used to do it when I was younger than your DD1 for my siblings and there was a smaller age gap and a fair bit of friction.
Nothing bad ever happened, because none of us were house-trashers or fighters - we'd have arguments but not physical fights.

Paying her - well if she's already being paid for babysitting then I can see why she would want to be paid for looking after her sister as well, but I'd also try to avoid that.

Just out of interest, OP, how do the ratios work if the ASC is ad hoc? As in, what would they do if an extra ten children turned up one evening?

And what would be the plan if one or other of your DC became unwell at school and had to go home?

You give your 14 year old £100 a month? No don’t up it, it’s already more than double the norm.

£100? wow - my dds are hard done by... what does she have to buy with it?

as it is 1-2 hours after school
and she wants to do it rather than a nanny I would say fine for a specified trial period especially as you have adhoc asc available as and when you need it (lucky you!).
I wouldn't pay her extra, you are happy to get childcare and she doesn't want it.

Sounds fine to me

I think every day is too much (homework/study commitments, afterschool stuff, her own social life), but days would be fine.

LOL at the idea that it is wrong to ask older siblings to look after younger ones!

They'll be fine, I was watching my newborn sister at that age. An 8 year old can't be any more trouble!

I was babysitting for other people's kids at night at aged 12,so if they are both sensible kids then this would be totally reasonable,especially as this is what your eldest wants as opposed to her being forced.

FamilyOfAliens. Our junior school has Ad Hoc ASC too. With the ratios being so high (1:8 under 8 & 1:10 8-11) it’s never as issue (1000 pupil school). It all just works out 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm loathe to pay her - I've always had a strict rule that chores are part of family life and you don't get paid for contributing to the family.

Chores, yes. Basically being a childminder 5 afternoons a week at 14, no. That’s an adult’s job, not a 14 yr old child’s “chores”.

Having said that, an allowance of £100 pm at 14 is huge. You’ve put yourself in a tricky situation there!

It’s nice that dd1 wants to do it but personally I would limit it to 2 afternoons a week to start with, increasing to no more than 3 with a review after a month. Fourteen is still very young and the work involved in GCSEs now is a lot. It also limits after school activities for DD1.

@familyofaliens honestly I have no idea. The women that cover ASC are not teachers but there are plenty of teachers on site. I have occasionally seen them in the rooms and just assumed they get drafted in if necessary - Seems to work.

If one of the DC were sick I'd leave work. I'm local and have enough flexibility to do that.

Before Y6 our school won't let children go home alone or with u16s - it would be a safeguarding issue. Think again for th next couple of years.

Of course it isn’t unreasonable to get her to do this! She is old enough to understand that the family needs money, parents need to work so she has to look after her sister. It’s just part of being a family. I wouldn’t pay her for doing it either. It is her sister, not a neighbours child she is babysitting. The money you earn will go to buying her food, clothes, lodging, so why would she get extra for being a responsible family member? That’s balmy. The only thing I would do is agree that if she had a regular, organised event, say D of E after school one night a week, then I would pay for DD2 to do ASC that night.

Before Y6 our school won't let children go home alone or with u16 - possibly not typical. Seems extreme to me, and certainly not the case at my DC's school.

Even with the generous allowance I think it's unfair if you don't pay her something. This isn't a normal chore, and would potentially save you a hell of a lot of money. Only needs to be notional, but I would suggest a half to a third of what the after school club would cost.

From 11 I did for my brother 6and loved it.i felt so adult and loved when he excitedly came out.i would bring him home ,we werent home alone for long though.nevrr in a million years would I think of being paid!

DD's school has a very similar set up (junior school is in one corner of the senior school site) and children are just let out. The juniors are only allowed to leave the grounds with an adult OR a senior school child.

We also have ad hoc after school club (and junior children are escorted back if their parents are late to pick up).

I would only be happy to do this outside of the winter months when/if it is dark on their journey (but my DD is 11). I would agree to a trial and go through some "what if's" with both.

Could you get a keysafe somewhere? In the very unlikely event that something happens (powercut/plumbing disaster) is there a neighbour or local friend? If neither parent was contactable at work I would be wary.

I would trial it. I would pay her £10 per week for it. She's missing out on the best bit of the school day, which is chatting for a bit after school. She might use that money to buy treats on the way home. Gives them a chance to bond too.

My children were the same age when they did exactly that. It rather depends on the temperaments and personalities of the children, tbh. I have friends with children similar ages and there's no way they'd be able to do it.

I didn't 'pay' him for babysitting as such but did have an allowance in mind so that if he wanted to go somewhere with his friends and needed more money, I provided that. They enjoy/ed each other's company so it wasn't really a chore for either of them.

Schools in deprived areas have lots of children who do it, as the alternative is - what? Mum loses her job? It means there are arrangements for particular children to sit any detentions during the day or on a day where they don't collect their siblings. The only time it's been frowned upon is where there was a child whose sibling had learning disabilities and then the collection age was increased to 16 (and 18 when she reached 16). So Mum changed to working lates and all weekend instead, which meant she was looking after her sibling for even longer, thanks to the well meaning interference

At 14, there is the possibility of after school interventions for GCSE subjects coming up, which, with the ASC, means there won't be any difficulties or implications for the older one.

I do think that she should be paid the full rate, however - it's not due to finances that she'll be doing it and it is something that would cost if anybody else were to be looking after the younger child - and it needs to be clear that neither parent will assume they can stay later at work, go to the shops, go to the gym, etc, just because she's already there looking after her sister.

Yes, she could 'waste' the money - but if she's earned it, it's her money to do with as she sees fit.

What happens if she wants to stay behind for an activity, maybe a school play?

Very unfair. My DN had to do this and has never forgiven her mother for the fun things she missed out on with her friends after school.

If you are going to make her do it, of course you must pay her.

My dd is 15 and her and a friend look after an 8 and 10 year old in the next street in the half terms for £20 a day each. That’s from 8:30 til 4pm every day. She started just after her 14th birthday.
I don’t see how your scenario is much different!
As long as you trust dd1, she knows what to do in an emergency (fuse box and stopcock location, has phone numbers and a neighbour she can call on) then I don’t see the problem.