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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

One Grandparent wants us to visit, one clearly doesn't anymore

48 replies

VisitingDaisy · 22/02/2019 01:31

We used to live at the opposite end of the country to my parents and therefore visits resulted in an overnight stay due to distance.

When the children where 8 and 11 we moved locally for my parents to be able to see more of the children which they wanted desperately and because
after ending up on my own with two children I was persuaded by them that moving up to their area would enable them to support us better especially as both myself and one of the children has disabilities and I was also struggling to work enough hours to support us alone. The support offered didn't happen after I moved (a whole other story) but they still wanted the overnights to continue and I was grateful of the company after leaving friends and supportive neighbours behind and ending up on my own in their area. Something that without the promised support made my life a lot harder in every aspect.

Fast forward a few years and I have suggested various times that we just come for the day as we are fairly local now but this causes upset and I'm told to stop being a martyr.

One parent wants us there but the other clearly does not. They would prefer to be on their own, are grateful when even my other parent is not in the house and has told us they wouldn't want us to move in if the other parent dies.( I've lived on my own since I was 17 and now in my 40s so not sure why that was brought up) I do get they want the peace.

One parent gets upset as they say they will take us back after we've had tea while the other is literally pushing us out of the door at 8am.It causes arguments between them.

The kids are now older so not and have never been not running riot (there's WiFi for a start) and we clean, offer to cook, wash up etc so not leaving any work for them.
One parent will play with one of the kids, tell me off for trying to keep them quiet and say they are only playing while the other parent will literally cringe at the other parent making them giddy.

I feel guilty even posting because honestly both parents have done loads for us and bought clothes and uniform and trips and bailed us out but it's not making a very nice environment when even the kids have picked up on not being wanted there in the last few weeks.

The parent who wants us there would be heartbroken if we didn't come and coming to ours isn't an option due to us living on the second floor and steps.

Help!

OP posts:

BestZebbie · 22/02/2019 01:39

More frequent day trips which are largely based on you coming to the house to collect the keen parent and take everyone to the park/national trust tea room for the day?

Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2019 02:04

VisitingDaisy oh you poor thing, this sounds pretty shit.

Do you want to stay where you are now or would you rather move elsewhere? I think I'd probably think about whether I wanted to stay there or not first. If you wanted to move then the parent who wants to visit could have the option.

I think I'd sit down with the parent who wants to see you and work out how to do this. Day trips out or whatever.

I'd also explain to the kids that the grandparent who doesn't want to see them is just being quite selfish and it is not about the children.

Birdie6 · 22/02/2019 02:04

I agree with the previous poster. If one parent is keen and the other one isn't, just go over and pick up the keen parent, then go out for the day. Or take the keen parent back to yours for the day. Since the two kids are teenagers now, they'd probably be happy to stay at home anyway.

Original poster

VisitingDaisy · 22/02/2019 02:06

I don't drive and the keen parent is disabled (and very unwell at the moment in general). The only place the keen parent goes at the moment is to the doctors and the hospital or to pick us up hence it makes it all the more complicated!
At the moment we get there late on Friday (literally bedtime) and leave Sunday at 8am.

I think we might just start going for the day and deal with the fallout.

OP posts:

Original poster

VisitingDaisy · 22/02/2019 02:13

The keen parent can't get up the stairs at ours as I said in the initial post as this would be the ideal solution.

I don't want to stay where I am no but we are stuck in a trap. I can't afford to move.
We went from a city where I had easy access to transport, shopping and supermarkets on my doorstep, friends and neighbours who were supportive to stuck in an area with little support, no friends, no hobbies and even getting out to do the most basic of things requires expensive bus journeys as does commuting to work and school.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2019 02:55

"I think we might just start going for the day and deal with the fallout."

Who is creating fall out?

"causes upset and I'm told to stop being a martyr."

Who is calling you a martyr?

Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2019 03:04

Is the person complaining the keen parent? if so, explain politely that if this continues you will not be able to visit anymore (since most teenagers don't necessarily want to spend too many weekends with grandparents).

If it is the un-keen parent they should be able to deal with seeing less of you.

OrigamiZoo · 22/02/2019 03:11

Keep seeing the keen parent with a smile and wave and the less keen one, remind them that you will of course remember them being so fucking rude when they are in a home and wish for visitors themselves.

Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2019 03:12

Do you feel that your parents have let you down a bit. Promised things they did not deliver, promised help that caused you to move to be nearer them? Or do you feel mostly grateful for the help you have had in the form of finances?

Wither way, I do feel that maybe it is time to put your foot down and do things your way now. Visit them when you can or in the way you want to and don't feel guilty that you are not doing things how you did them years ago, things move on.

"I don't want to stay where I am no but we are stuck in a trap. I can't afford to move."

OP I don't know the full extent of your circumstances but I would say that in your shoes I would focus all my attention on getting the life I want. If you cannot see a way to move back to the area you want to live in, I would investigate further.

Is there a different area you could afford which would supply 'access to transport, shopping and supermarkets' etc?

Do you own your flat or rent it?

Are you working? Can you transfer job, if so, could you find a home in your area that you could manage?

Are you assuming you would not be able to do it? Or have you actually looked into it?

When we had dd we were living in a tiny two bed house and I longed for a bigger place, but dh was adamant that we could not afford it.

Then one of my neighbors moved and found a place within budget and with more space. Seeing her new home inspired us. We moved and have never moved since.

If your kids are teens is there a chance they may be working in a few years? If so, might this mean they could help with rent etc, or if studying nearby could they help with rent and still live at home. Or might they move out and you want a smaller place?

Just out of interest are your parents relatively young or relatively old?

I'd make the best of seeing the parent who wants to see you, but I'd put my energies into undoing the damage of the move and finding a place that suits you and your kids better. If your parents complain they could always move to be closer to you, but they won't and then you don't need to feel responsible for them.

CSIblonde · 22/02/2019 04:34

As pp said, day trips. Being disabled you can get a Freedom Pass for free train, tube & bus travel in London. They're discretionary. I'd investigate your local council website to see if there are similar schemes & passes outside London. I just sent my Dr's letter together with 1page application form & got it within the week.

CSIblonde · 22/02/2019 04:40

Just Googled: there is an 'older persons' national Freedom Pass for bus travel only tho.

NameChange992 · 22/02/2019 05:29

Is this something that has just started recently? If so, why have they gone from being happy to unhappy to see you?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/02/2019 05:40

How old are the children now, you say 8 and 11 when you moved and a few years have elapsed - so they are now 11 and 14 (ish) TBH the 14yo is not going to want to spend every weekend cooped up with elderly relatives for much longer, they will have friends and a social life of their own.

You sound quite rural now, frankly I'd move as soon as possible - mind you with GCSEs looming that's going to be a couple of years - back to city with employment prospects.

But you say this is only over the last few weeks - is it possible your parent is ill and worried ? Maybe actually has some financial pressures and cant afford to be running two house holds ? Work related issues? onset of dementia? strain of caring for a reliant and disabled spouse ?

Upshot is - have you actually spoken to them?

MagpieSong · 22/02/2019 05:56

I agree with plain speaking that it’s possible they’re unwell and worried, or even under strain looking after the other parent.

That said, the day trips are a good idea but other posters need to remember it might not be possible. I am disabled and was very ill a few years ago and going out was a nightmare. Freedom passes don’t solve much. Waiting for buses, even in warm weather, was a problem because I still got so cold that I’d become very unwell from it and trying to navigate train stairs was a nightmare. Our local disability friendly station requires a bus ride and if the bus is full, it can be hard. We had to go out armed with almost more than when my DS was a baby - meds’, blankets etc.

What if you suggested to other parent that you stayed in with the parent who’d like you there and they went out for the day and did something they enjoy? It might give them a nice break. Sounds tricky OP.

AnyOldPrion · 22/02/2019 06:04

Just wondering if there’s background here.

If this is new, what has changed?

Is the parent who isn’t keen now having to do a lot of additional work to care for the keen parent? Might they also be unwell? Or has this dynamic always been in place to an extent?

Just trying to work out what’s changed, in case that might shed light on a possible solution.

Margot33 · 22/02/2019 06:07

I would save up and move back. There's no support for you there. Stop staying overnight. Sounds like one parent cares for the disabled other? Maybe had too much on his plate? He just wants a break himself?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/02/2019 06:11

Looking more deeply at what you've written :

both myself and one of the children has disabilities and I was also struggling to work enough hours to support us alone

I don't drive and the keen parent is disabled (and very unwell at the moment in general). The only place the keen parent goes at the moment is to the doctors and the hospital or to pick us up

Who is looking after the parent who is doing all the fetching, carrying, running round after a three generation family, all with additional needs? I assume they are the driver ? So they are at everyone beck and call.

There's a much bigger picture than originally seen

Decormad38 · 22/02/2019 06:22

What’s the deal with the unkeen parent. Be frank and say their actions are upsetting everyone.

Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2019 08:33

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking "Who is looking after the parent who is doing all the fetching, carrying, running round after a three generation family, all with additional needs? I assume they are the driver ? So they are at everyone beck and call. "

Where are you reading that the parent does every thing for OP or her child?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 22/02/2019 08:35

This

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 22/02/2019 08:37

I think it is pertinent to ask as there seems to be a change in one parent.

There is always a reason and understanding why may help the OP.

It may not be this at all, but in the other hand it could well be a factor...

Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2019 08:43

The OP said... "When the children where 8 and 11 we moved locally for my parents to be able to see more of the children which they wanted desperately and because after ending up on my own with two children I was persuaded by them that moving up to their area would enable them to support us better ....The support offered didn't happen after I moved..."

And

"I feel guilty even posting because honestly both parents have done loads for us and bought clothes and uniform and trips and bailed us out but it's not making a very nice environment when even the kids have picked up on not being wanted there in the last few weeks. "

So it sounds like their has been financial support but not practical help. Is that correct OP?

You don't need to feel guilty for posting for advice. At the end of the day whatever support your parents have offered now you sound lonely and isolated. You may just need to think long term here for you and the kids, their job prospects study etc.

I'd think about the kids, possibly work and home options.

I'd sit down with the keen parent and work out together what to do.

Then I'd tell unkeen parent how you and the kids will continue to see both parents if they want - or one parent if unkeen one doesn't want.

The real issue for the parents seems to be the different expectations they have.

4point2fleet · 22/02/2019 09:01

Would it not make a considerable improvement to all your lives if you learned to drive OP?

ColdFingered · 22/02/2019 09:08

You say "the last few weeks". It sounds like the well parent has a lot of pressure on them at the moment, caring for the keen parent. Caring is tough, especially when you get older. Not just physical strain, but mental strain too.

SassitudeandSparkle · 22/02/2019 09:14

I do get they want the peace.

The unkeen parent is probably doing everything all week and then has guests at the weekend which they find a bit much. Make the visits shorter, perhaps one night and do something while you are there that takes part of the load off them.

I would stop blaming them for the move as well, because it does come across very strongly indeed that you feel they make your life difficult. I'm not sure what the answer to that is but you do seem to resent them for it and that may come across IRL (I'm wondering if this is the cause of the martyr comment).

Sorry, no easy answers to this one OP.

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