I've recently realised that I have a tendency to push people away. I do it through a mixture of being: judgemental and critical; I complain about things, discuss my problems and talk way too much in the short time we're together. I can see the pattern, see people being actively put off, but seem unable to stop myself doing it.
Luckily there are some old friends in my life, and I am privileged to still have them. I do actually have a good sense of humour and make friends laugh too. And in the past few years I have tried to put myself out for people more. I do listen when they need to talk and go the extra mile when it's important to be there for them. Despite chronic forgetfulness, I also try to remember birthdays and cook nice food for them or take them out to lunch. I make sure we have fun. But my default mode is one of self doubt, feeling let down, unable to trust which brings out the above behaviours.
All this has been painful - I've essentially been self sabotaging all my life. At school I deliberately didn't revise for exams I could easily have passed; so had to do retakes in later life. In the workplace I move on after just a year or two; and there's this always pushing people away, people I actually really like who simply stop calling. Then I'm really hurt.
Now it seems I'm potentially moving on from my life-partner too; it seems we've really grown apart. I've got a compulsion to live alone and to try to be the person I think I can be without him.
What's really scary is that a few years ago I found out my (estranged) grandfather did this so spectacularly, that he ended up living alone in a remote part of the world, friendless and was found dead in a rented shack, with no possessions around him. An utter extreme I completely realise, (a bit like in Bridget Jones, where she worries about the prospect of dying alone, Alsatians eating her lifeless body)! I''m scared that could be me though, I could creeping towards this 'outcome'.
How do you move on? I know many people of a certain age really analyse their past and find it very wanting - probably explains the tattoos, the jogging and motorbike fixations . But the pondering is not good, it's keeping me awake at nights going over and over my past mistakes. I have had a fair bit of counselling but the doubt and behaviours creep back.
Do any of you have experience of this and how did you overcome the issues?