Sibling’s death and aftermath

[TerracottaDream]

My brother left my sister-in-law and two children for another woman and within 18 months had died.
It was just devastating.
I tried to maintain a relationship with my sister-in-law with whom I had been close but she just withdrew we see her only occasionally now as her son is in the same club.
I see my other brother and get on well but he tends to leave arrangements to his wife. By sheer coincidence I bumped into him at a leisure centre thing and we went for coffee.
He refuses to see my sister-in-law and has not invited our niece to his daughter’s party as it upsets him ... ok I get that but then he said he feels that to have a relationship with our sister-in-law is a betrayal of our brother because he left her.
He and his wife do however have an ongoing relationship with the other woman.
Who they have a relationship with is obviously none of my business but am I unreasonable to be so upset? I am as bad this week as when he died.

OP - what a complicated situation. I would say please reach out to your SIL every now and again and see if she is willing to reconnect. It is important for your brother’s children that they don’t lose contact with your family. She has had an absolute shed full of shite to deal with in a short space of time - the affair apologists really have no idea what it is to have been left in this way and then for her to have to deal with the grief of him dying alongside what the children are feeling....it’s probably not unreasonable she has distanced herself. There is huge shame when you are the person left behind - you feel judged and stupid and the last to know and embarrassed. It’s very difficult. Give it time, remember birthdays and special occasions, send her cards and update your contact details with her. She may continue to reject you but at some point be ready to be in your life again.

Take care of yourself as well. Your brother isn’t being fair but it’s his way of coping so respect that. Time may well change how he feels as well.

@pallisers - men - in my professional experience, will often take a leg over if they can get away with it, they will not however leave creature comforts unless their emotional and physical needs are not being met.

We don’t know why he chose to leave his first wife, other than he was unhappy and met someone who did make him happy. The sheer two faced hypocrisy of this forum never ceases to astound me. If it were a woman unhappy in a marriage, you’d have a flock of posters baying for her to LTB and queueing at the door to carry her bags to a new life. God forbid a man should ever express unhappiness and leave.

@Armadillostoes - err ? I’m not the one waxing lyrical about other women’s husbands - no one ever knows what goes on in a marriage apart from the two people in it. Frankly, I’m not such a hypocrite as to stand outside and throw stones about something I am not privy to.

As said by someone else - the remaining brother clearly wishes to keep contact with his brothers partner; the SIL doesn’t want anything to do with the ex ILS. Each is ALLOWED to make this decision.

What I am finding hard is my ‘unreasonable’ and illogical feelings

I'm afraid that's grief. I think as PP have said you have to allow for this and be kind to yourself. It would probably also help to have some grief counselling. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to how to react in this situation. Your brother may have more insight into your other brother's marriage. He may not. The only thing I would say is that whatever his relationship with the SIL if feels very odd to cut ties with his niece.

Plainspeaking- The way you opened your comments with "You're judging" was really judgemental! Yes, that is somewhat ironic. But you implied that the OP had no business to "judge" and that judging was somehow terrible. In reality holding a negative opinion about someone else's behaviour is normal, as is expressing it in certain circumstances. Beating someone up for judging whilst frantically virtue signalling is really hypocritical.

In the gentlest way possible maybe this is why your remaining brother doesn't see you much. You need some help processing your grief. Your living brother lost a sibling too and has a different view to you. You need to respect that view and leave it be.

God forbid a man should ever express unhappiness and leave

Leaving because you’re unhappy, have done your soul searching, having been open and honest with your wife and can genuinely see no way of it ever working, really not a problem.

Leaving because you’re so unhappy you feel the need to be shagging someone else whilst lying to the person you promised to be faithful to and share your life with in good and bad times, particularly when children are involved, is a whole different ball game.

There are enough threads on these forums for you to know that few men remove themselves from marriages the first way. Blaming the women left behind as a default position is one of the most misogynistic, unpleasant things persistently peddled on these forums. Sure, my ex husband was unhappy - but so was I and I didn’t need to have a 2 year affair and clear all the bank accounts on my way out!

Neither you nor DB ABU

The reasons why he left are irrelevant now.

At the time he died he was in a relationship with someone else. His partner was not someone he was having an affair with at the time of his death, and the relationship was such that he had sorted out that she would be executor to his estate etc.

Nobody knows what went on either in his marriage or his subsequent relationship with the current partner. The OP judges things one way, the brother another. Neither of them is wrong. And the SIL wants nothing to do with them anyway so while the door can be left open for contact with the brother’s children, nobody has any control over that, and if SIL chose not to have a relationship with the wider family after the split then it might explain why the brother hasn’t wanted to pursue one now that her ex has passed.

I think it wouldn’t bother me about them having a relationship with the OW rather than SIL, but surely it is also a betrayal to your brother to not have a relationship with his daughter. I couldn’t imagine not being there for my nephew in the same situation.

I am sorry for your loss