To be struggling with childfree identity

[Iwishihadknown]

I Always wanted children but as time has gone on it’s become apparent this isn’t going to be for me and I’m incredibly sad.

Trying to accept it is difficult. I feel out of sync with everybody and I’m struggling not to be bitter.

I'm not sure on the reason for your lack of children.

But Trying to accept it is difficult struck a chord with me. When I had secondary infertility, making the decision it wasn't going to happen and to stop trying was the most difficult thing. Once I had made the decision and grieved for what couldn't be, I actually found I was able to move towards acceptance.

Allow yourself the feelings of bitterness etc - totally normal part of any grieving process.

I’m sorry, I have no direct experience with this, but I didn’t want to leave your post unanswered.

It’s understandable to mourn the loss of what you thought you’re future would be. Take time to do this and let yourself feel sad/angry etc.

Once you have given yourself this time to grieve, try to think about some of the other fulfilling and purposeful things you can achieve in your life. Perhaps related to career, perhaps voluntary or charity work, perhaps travel, perhaps renovating a home. If I didn’t have children, I’d have a small holding (no time/money to do this atm for me) - I know I would get so much fulfilment from this. Perhaps you like music and can learn new instruments, join choirs or travel to lots of gigs.

I hope you don’t find these suggestions patronising - they’re things I would do if I had enough time and money. What I’m trying to say is, although I know children are a blessing, there are many ways to lead a fulfilling and purposeful life without children.

Thanks.They aren’t patronising at all. Just the same I can’t think of anything to give me purpose. I know it shouldn’t be this way.

And I’m scared of the years ahead.

I think, if you’re just beginning to accept that children aren’t going to happen, that it’s quite normal not to be able to see anything else yet. Give yourself time.

Maybe some therapy would help?

Big hugs op

It’s hard to accept that our future is different to what we envisaged. You need to work through how your new future looks, what is important and achievable.

Going through secondary infertility it took me a long time to work this out but was an opportunity to sprin clean my life.

I would wholeheartedly recommend some counselling it will help you work through everything.

I feel for you. It's really difficult when life doesn't turn out as you planned / hoped / expected. I think you can allow yourself to grieve for the opportunities that didn't come your way, and move towards making your peace with this

Why are you scared about the years ahead?

It is a very difficult thing to accept. I do have children but lost one of my sons due to medical negligence. I can’t have any more children, it took us 10 years to get pregnant. It honestly has taken me a good 3 years to feel a bit better about this. So go easy on yourself. It’s a very hard thing to accept. Have you considered going to do something really lovely for yourself? A cruise, outward bound for example? Not that it will fix it but it make make you feel better for now and give you something to look forward to.