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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House rules

27 replies

Yuri18 · 21/02/2019 08:02

I have a three years old and a six months baby. I feel there are millions of things to do in the house all the time. My husband keeps leaving things around the house. For example, he leaves books on the sofa, leaves magazines on the kitchen top, leaves his jumper on the dinning chair, leaves his mug anywhere when he is in a hurry to leave the house. I feel very tired to pick up his stuff all the time. I have reminded him many times and yesterday I finally shouted at him a lot. He thinks it is nothing big deal and I am over reacting. Am I? BTW, I am doing most of the house work, he only needs to hoover and wipe the bathroom once a week.

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 21/02/2019 08:06

If picking a mug up and putting it in the dishwasher is no big deal, why doesn't HE do it?

OffToBedhampton · 21/02/2019 08:10

Re start as you mean to go on . You've got one of those lazy DHs who is becoming a gallumping teenager for you to clear up from and he's not taking an equal.part in parenting if you are doing all the (shit) clearing up jobs.

Tell him you are losing respect for him as he's behaving like a stroppy teenager. Then get a rota up, include every job fairly or do direct swop. If you are sahp and he works factor that in but it's equal hours and clear up his own mess, not "sahp works 24/7" as everybody's "mummy"

Tackle it now as he will get worse

CripsSandwiches · 21/02/2019 08:34

I can see both sides, I prefer a more relaxed household where things don't have to be picked up immediately. On the other hand it sounds like he hardly does anything to help. I would just make sure he does more around the house. It's not like your kids are at school you'll be busy all day while he's at work so he should be mucking in more at home.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 21/02/2019 08:40

I'd stop enabling him, but then, I would never have gone out with a lazy person who was 'relaxed' - a grubby slob with no standards who is content to live in a messy shithole if someone weren't around to maid for them.

It's not 'helping' to pull your weight in life and be a functioning adult.

I'd buy a big garden tub, dump all the shit he leaves round and then dump it on his side of the bed.

HugoBearsMummy · 21/02/2019 08:41

It's difficult because in our house I'm very anal, everything has it's place & once used must be put back straight away, not in 1 hour not in 5 mins- right away or I get pissed off. I even insist on the towels being hung on the towel Rail a certain way (as they don't seem to dry as well otherwise) but DH can't seem to fathom it out Angry! DH on other hand doesn't mind opened mail left on kitchen side, slippers left on floor, deodorant left out after use etc etc he doesn't see the big deal as hell put it away 'eventually' never happens I've tried waiting for it to happen but I feel much happier just pottering round and tidying up. Least if the fucker moans he can't find anything I can say well put it away yourself in the first place instead of acting like a lazy teen!
His job is very very demanding & stressful (he owns a building & construction firm) so I think once he switches off from work he just doesn't 'think' these things are important... perhaps your DH could be like this? Not that it's an excuse it is annoying but everyone has their flaws...

babyworry2018 · 21/02/2019 08:45

I think it depends on if you've different standards about how things should be of if you have the same standards and he just expects you to tidy up after him.

I once lived with a housemate who would tidy up my book or jumper and put them back in my room. It made me feel it wasn't my own home. If in the evenings I like to read a book in the living room, it makes sense to me to leave that book out. If I take off a jumper I'm wearing because I'm hot, I don't want to put it away immediately because if I get cold I'll put it back on.

I don't like the assumption that the person with the highest standards of tidiness gets to decide for the household. It's different if he's not pulling his weight but you have small children, it doesn't sound like he's piling up dirty dishes for days. I'd be a lot more relaxed about a jumper/ book/magazine personally.

TidyDancer · 21/02/2019 08:52

This just sounds like different standards tbh. I'm mostly with your DH on this. It's not that one of you is right and one is wrong, it's that you've overreacted because you prefer your way and he isn't fussed. My opinion would be different if you both wanted things very tidy and he was expecting you to tidy up after him but that doesn't sound like what's happening.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/02/2019 08:58

I'd buy a big garden tub, dump all the shit he leaves round and then dump it on his side of the bed

This. Just pick up everything he leaves lying around and dump it in a box for him to sort out.

I'd also refuse to cook him dinner/wash his clothes/look after his children when he's home if he couldn't do the most basic task in the house, which is cleaning up his own mess.

Can you tell we've had the same argument? Grin

NutElla5x · 21/02/2019 08:59

He may not think it's a big deal but he knows it's a big deal to you,so if he respected you at all he would pick up after himself. Imagine how quickly your home would turn into a shit tip if everyone-including your kids as they get older-stopped picking up after themselves. Tell him you're not his maid and will be leaving his stuff where he left it in the future, until you can stand it no more and will then be binning it.

Original poster
Yuri18 · 21/02/2019 09:12

Thanks for pointing out different standards. I husband mentioned that during the argument too. The fact is that all those habits are very inconvenient to me. He does not have the chance to leave dirty dishes in the sink for days because I need to clear them when I cook dinner. If I do not ask him to collect his jumper, it will stay there for a week then I had to collect it when I do the washing. If I do not mention he leaves books on the sofa, it will sit there for few days and children play there so I had to collect it in case my baby tries to eat it. Not mentioning mug at the hall way with tea from several days a ago. I understand it may take time for him to get back with things but he does not and I had to deal with in the end. He is a very hard working staff at work, being very nice and polite to people. However, when he is home, I feel like living with teenager sometimes.

OP posts:
PBo83 · 21/02/2019 09:15

I think it depends on if you've different standards about how things should be of if you have the same standards and he just expects you to tidy up after him.

Definitely this.

JagerPlease · 21/02/2019 09:17

Anyone else wondering how he has time to read a book with a 3 year old and a baby?

NutElla5x · 21/02/2019 09:22

I'm guessing the kids do sleep JagerPlease.

PBo83 · 21/02/2019 09:24

Or maybe he was reading a book TO the 3yo?

Northernparent68 · 21/02/2019 09:26

Op, why are you right and he’s wrong ? Why do nt you relax, a book on the sofa isn’t the end of the world. To be honest I think you’re controlling.

Original poster
Yuri18 · 21/02/2019 09:52

Northernparent68, should I leave my child play with his book, or baby chew his book on the sofa? Living room is our main children's play area. Or can I sit on his book?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yuri18 · 21/02/2019 09:54

He is studying for his work. He is a hard working person for his job. He reads the book while watching the children when they are clam. He also reads when he works from home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yuri18 · 21/02/2019 10:00

If he does pick up his things at the end of the day or in a couple of days,I know I should not be over tight on things. The problem is he does not come back and clear up. That is why I have clear things he left on the kitchen top once a while. I have to remove books on the sofa more often because it takes space for people to sit and not a good toy for children to play with.

OP posts:
justmyview · 21/02/2019 10:08

I don't like the assumption that the person with the highest standards of tidiness gets to decide for the household wise words from @babyworry

If I do not ask him to collect his jumper, it will stay there for a week then I had to collect it when I do the washing or leave it, and it doesn't get washed

If I do not mention he leaves books on the sofa, it will sit there for few days and children play there so I had to collect it in case my baby tries to eat it or let the baby eat the book

I think you sound quite controlling. Your house doesn't sound very relaxing. Also, do you work? If your DH works and you are SAHM, then I'd expect you to do the majority of washing, cleaning, tidying etc

PBo83 · 21/02/2019 10:15

I could actually be the husband you describe (maybe I am!)

I'll often leave something out (normally a laptop) if I intend to use it later in the day. I'll also leave clothes on the backs of chairs etc. rather than make a special journey upstairs to put them away. I'll leave things 'on the side' if I plan to deal with them later (letters etc).

I'm not a messy person in general. When I first lived with my now-wife she used to tidy up behind me and then complain that she was always doing so. We have a much better understanding now and found a compromise as to what is acceptable and what is lazy and neither of us rarely have any reason to complain.

burritofan · 21/02/2019 10:15

I'd buy a big garden tub, dump all the shit he leaves round and then dump it on his side of the bed.

Yes! We do this too.

It's not just about different standards – for me, his mess is genuinely inconvenient (as well as fugly), we live in a tiny, tiny flat. It only works when there's a place for everything & everything in its place. The place for his broken, rain-sodden umbrella is not "dumped on the engineered wood floor". Dirty dishes everywhere = no kitchen surface to prep dinner. Crumpled up envelopes from his post, pocket detritus, 8 million sodding pairs of headphones, etc = can't sit down on the sofa. Stuff all over the floor = can't vacuum (or walk without tripping).

One thing that helps us in addition to The Box Of His Crap is A Space Where Tidiness Isn't An Issue. He has half the dining room to be as slovenly as he likes. This is where I bring the box. There's definitely less in the box when he has a dedicated playpen/pigsty.

goingonabearhunt1 · 21/02/2019 10:18

It doesn't sounds like a massive amount of mess but as PP have said, people have different standards. A jumper or book on the sofa and the odd mug around wouldn't bother me personally.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/02/2019 10:23

A jumper or book on the sofa and the odd mug around wouldn't bother me personally. they wouldn't bother me either. For me it's the expectation that someone else will always pick up their dirty dishes and put their things away for them. One cup won't affect your life but if he's leaving several cups, every single day I can see how it would upset the OP.

My DH always leaves his stuff around. I hoovered up and broke his new headphones recently and he tried to blame me. Umm, try not leaving them on the floor?

PBo83 · 21/02/2019 10:26

I hoovered up and broke his new headphones recently and he tried to blame me.

To be fair, if you ran them over with the hoover, it kinda is your fault (not saying that headphones belong on the floor but they're not hard to spot).

Original poster
Yuri18 · 21/02/2019 10:28

I am doing all the washing, cooking in the house. I do not mind that much. I do not want to collect things around the house on top of the house work that I am doing already. If we do washing and tidy up in turns, maybe it will be less a problem. BTW, I cannot let my baby to chew the book. If it is considered to be controlling, that is fine.

OP posts: