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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about him disappearing?

22 replies

MissTyne · 21/02/2019 03:05

Just a warning that this may be a long one. I’ve been with my DP for 3 years, through this time there’s been multiple issues on both sides but they’ve been overlooked. For example, he gave me an STD which was from an xp of his, seen that he has messaged other females (claims that it was his friends on his phone- they did go on to say it was them...) he does gaslight at times, like when he claimed that he blocked me off of his instagram because i’m paranoid when it comes to him cheating. When in reality I saw that he had a stripper following him, along with xp’s leaving comments under his pics.

I know it sounds bad written down but despite some of these problems we do maintain a somewhat good relationship.

I suppose the AIBU is that he has 2 jobs, one of which he has topped up his hours and decided to do a really long working day. He opened the store, then worked until closing at 11pm, apparently. He claims that he was coming home, but 2 hours later he still had not come back. I messaged DP to see how long he’s going to be, as I made some late night dinner and was hoping to spend some time with him. He then told me that he was stopping off at a friends house quickly. It’s now 3am and he has not replied to my texts or calls. AIBU to be fairly annoyed/upset/angry that he’s ignored my message and lied about what time he’s coming back?

OP posts:

Blondebakingmumma · 21/02/2019 03:07

What are his good qualities? From what you have described I wouldn’t trust him

Original poster

MissTyne · 21/02/2019 03:12

That’s the thing, thinking about it I’m finding it hard to describe any good qualities... He is supportive, he’s helping me make a hobby of mine into a business so somewhat thoughtful, he says he loves me but it doesn’t feel like it at times like these

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2019 03:21

He's evasive, he lies, and you can't trust him. Time to take the blinders off.

starshollow1 · 21/02/2019 03:22

Why are you with this man? It is not a healthy relationship and it seems to be affecting you badly. That's the worst thing about gaslighting, it really does mess with your reality so you can't tell what's normal and not.

His behaviour tonight would be enough to end it for me. Regardless of where he is, with another woman or with his friends, the lack of respect and consideration in not being in touch given the state of your relationship is not ok. Get out now OP. For the sake of your mental health.

Original poster

MissTyne · 21/02/2019 03:29

I’m with him because I really do love him and because I have no one else. I have no family, no friends. Nothing. I’ve suffered from depression in the past, when I do try to leave he tells me that the relationship isn’t over until he says it is basically. Saying that my points for ending the relationship aren’t valid enough. I just feel so so trapped.

OP posts:

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 21/02/2019 03:42

Dump him

You can do better, trust me.

Especially, the thing about going to his friends until 3 am.

You do not have to live this way.

Do better next time

You can do this, trust me.

Monty27 · 21/02/2019 03:52

Don't understand why you are with him. He's making you feel insecure so that's got to mean you are unhappy with him.
Dump him. Find someone better. A lot better.

justilou1 · 21/02/2019 03:56

I think you have very low sexpectations for yourself....

TheSerenDipitY · 21/02/2019 04:05

err its not over till he says it is over???
alarm bells
if you want to leave, get your escape fund ready and personal papers all organised find somewhere to live etc etc etc and then one day just go, dont tell him, when he goes to work just walk out the door and go

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 21/02/2019 04:09

Now read back your post as if you’re commenting on a friends message - what would your advice to her be?
I think you know the answer OP x

tildaMa · 21/02/2019 04:20

I’m with him because I really do love him and because I have no one else. I have no family, no friends. Nothing.

So basically you cling to him because you're scared of being alone. Right?
Are you sure that's a good enough reason to be with an abuser? Because that's what he is.

when I do try to leave he tells me that the relationship isn’t over until he says it is basically. Saying that my points for ending the relationship aren’t valid enough.

You don't need his permission to leave.
You don't even need to give him any points.

Practise in front of a mirror and then just tell him:
"This relationship is not working for me any more. I'm leaving."
That's all you need to say.
And then leave.

CanuckBC · 21/02/2019 04:23

Big red flags. It’s over if YOU want it to be over. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want it over or not. You get to choose as well. You are an autonomous person who gets to decide for yourself what you want.

Blondebakingmumma · 21/02/2019 04:32

Please leave him. He sounds hideous. It will be hard at first to be by yourself. Join a club/hoppy group and make friends. There is a much better way to live x

starshollow1 · 21/02/2019 04:36

Please contact women's aid OP. You are in an abusive relationship and will need help and support to get out of it. Keep posting here if it helps you.

Absolutely agree with @TheSerenDipitY

You deserve so much more than this

burritofan · 21/02/2019 04:37

Saying that my points for ending the relationship aren’t valid enough.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩!!! You don't need his permission or any reason to end it beyond: you want to end it. Run away, fast. He's gaslighting you and controlling you. It's not a relationship, it's abuse. You can break up with him any time you want to, without needing to provide evidence and affidavits and getting it signed off by him. Fuck him.

Do you really want to be in a "somewhat" good relationship with a "somewhat" supportive person? There's so much better out there.

kateandme · 21/02/2019 04:39

you sound really unhappy op.you shouldn't have to find reasons to stay with someone or try to find their good points from the bad.they just are as a whole good.

Original poster

MissTyne · 21/02/2019 04:44

Thank you all so much for your support. He’s just strolled in now, no explanations or anything. He can see i’m upset, but he just doesn’t care. I’m going to take your advice and start saving to move out and away from him. It’s just crazy how i’ve ended up in this situation. Thank you everyone x

OP posts:

kateandme · 21/02/2019 04:50

do you love him or do you have no one else.big difference.
because you can find someone to love who deserves that love.and you give it and take it because its your choice no a choice you make because you feel alone if not.
and you can have family and friends.a future family with someone worth it.or friends from where you begin a new life happy so hat you can go out there and make them
look at coming on here.all these replies.that shows people already care for you from a simple post you've made.people in real life can care and love and be joyous and friendly and love you as a friend and partner wife mother who knows.the world is yours.get excited about being free to choose.

kateandme · 21/02/2019 04:52

oh hun.sorry to say it but I think its a brilliant decision.
what a tossie wanky thing for him to do.
you can do this.i know you will keep stopping yourself and thinking "oh shit" im scared.but aren't we all about the even the greates things in life.doesnt mean they aren't worth it.
go on hun.you got this

AlwaysCheddar · 21/02/2019 06:58

Dump him! Be strong! Do you want to feel like this forever?

TheSerenDipitY · 21/02/2019 07:47

even if it is hard it is better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel like shit,
find your happy and move on and keep telling yourself
im worth more than the scraps he was offering me
focus on the goal of being free of him and what ever you do do not get pregnant to this man

OnAirJunkie · 14/11/2020 08:16

I know this is an old thread. I hope you got free of this controlling arsehole, OP.

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