To worry about “violent” toddler?

[Cinderella2019]

For want of a better word.

She is 18 months old. I also have a four year old. They love each other but they are absolutely chalk and cheese. DD1 is quiet, gentle, sensitive.

DD2 is an absolute force of nature. She’s hilarious and clever and affectionate. However she has recently started to hit out. Hitting, scratching and biting when she gets angry or frustrated. She will scratch DD1 for no reason eg if she’s feeling tired and upset.

The two of them are in nursery three days per week and seem very happy there. Last week however DD2s key worker mentioned that they had caught her going to bite other children a few times. They managed to stop her in time but they said it’s when she was angry eg if one of them took a toy off her.

I’m just at a bit of a loss as to what to do. Obviously she gets sharply told “no” whenever she does this at home but she just finds it funny?

But she’s 18 months old. What on Earth am I supposed to do?!

The only time i ever used time out was when dd was 2 and went through a hitting stage and didn't respond to being told no. When she hit us (on the face) I immediately picked her up and put her in the travel cot and ignored her for a minute. It did work. She's a well behaved 14 year old now!

It is usually their feelings are bigger than their ability to express them and will pass! But you can do things to help her get there.
It's horrible, but lots of children go through it.
Check with nursery what their policy is (it should really be a reminder that we are gentle, and distraction from what's upset or angered her really) and do the same at home - if the language and any signing is consistent it will reinforce the fact the rules are the same in both places.

Talk about feeling - looking at facial expressions in story book illustrations for example. "He looks angry. He is angry because the boy took his toy away" etc. Having the vocabulary around emotions and feelings helps children to express them more appropriately.

I have literally never had to use time out etc for DD1 she’s so well behaved! So this is all new to me.

PS. At that age i don't think they understand they are hurting someone when they hit/bite

Honestly I think she understands fine. She knows it’s naughty.

What do Nursery do when she does this there? I think the most important part is that you and Nursery work together to ensure it sinks in quickly.

Keep being firm, keep using "no" and keep praising her when you see her do kind stuff; even at 18 months she'll be aware enough to begin grasping boundaries and verbal rewards/praise.

And don't feel bad, not for a second; our second DS was similarly fiery. DS13 was a dream and wouldn't think of hurting anyone, DS8 was like a little ball of evil at times yet now he's wonderful and the kindest boy imaginable. Stay strong and just keep on top of her.

Thanks AuntMarch she loves books so I’ll work on that. That’s a good idea

Oh and absolutely second what AuntMarch says, start talking about feelings and naming them for her; she's very young but that emotional understanding will help her no end as she gets older.

She might understand that it's naughty, but that doesn't mean she can control it at the time. She also doesn't understand that other people have feelings too (physical or emotional)- she is just too young too.

You ever felt so mad you want to scream, throw stuff or throttle someone? I have but fortunately have the capacity to control the urge. But I'm not 18 months old!

It's easy to say from where we are all sitting but try not to worry- she will get past it! "Emotional literacy" is a bit of a buzz word - I expect there'll be lots of blogs and suggestions around if you have a Google. X

Sounds normal.

That is pretty standard behaviour for a toddler. They have these big emotions that they can’t express and they are impulsive. She is only one she has limited understanding no matter how clever she is, emotional development is something that takes time.

I suspect she will soon get what she is doing is wrong when another child hits or bites her back.

Sometimes you just get a biter. It’s a phase you just need to ride out! Keep saying no and it will pass. Probably, as a pp said, when she gets bitten back.

Thanks everyone. I feel a little better now.

My DS2 is the same age and we’re in exactly the same place. Also had a calm, sensitive and entirely non-violent DS1 so have been a bit shocked by it. He was tantrumming about something the other day (I think I was trying to pull up his trousers or something equally heinous) and I knew he was about to hit me so I caught his hands so he couldn’t and said ‘no’ very firmly. At which point he paused for a second and then deliberately head-butted me in the face . I felt my nose crack and actually burst into tears which shocked him a bit. But he’s continued trying to beat us all black and blue at every available opportunity since so apparently no lasting impression made.

The only thing I’ve found that seems to slightly reduce it is to physically hold his hands and say no, but otherwise I don’t react at all and just distract him. Putting him in a time out or shouting just escalates things for us and he gets increasingly hysterical and lashes out more. He knows perfectly well it’s naughty and is usually fairly remorseful once he’s calmed down, but in the moment he just can’t stop himself (yet), so I’m planning on riding it out for a few more months before I try a straitjacket a more punitive approach.

Aha parenting bitingwww.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/toddler-bitingwww.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/how-to-stop-biting-at-preschool
These articles may help

www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/toddler-biting
www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/how-to-stop-biting-at-preschool

Sorry these links should work better