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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to ask DH to go into work Monday?

24 replies

Bearchild · 20/02/2019 09:33

I have been away from home for a few weeks with our child who has been very unwell, DH has stayed at home with our other child.
It was an unexpected admission and he house was a bit of a tip when we left and it's likely to be he same when we return.

We're due back early Monday morning and I was hoping to spend all day cleaning and tidying the house top to bottom, I have MH issues that mean I find it difficult to relax and reacquaint with my home if I don't follow my rituals of a deep clan and de clutter (I do this after holidays, even single nights away)

Anyway, DH is saying he'll WFH Monday as we've not seen each other in fe weeks, I'm hoping to gently ask that he going into the office instead so I can do my deep clean and therefore relax a bit in the evening before I go back to work Tuesday.

We don't have a working space at home so it's not like he'll be in a separate room, he'll be holding telephone conferences in the living room and paging the house with a headset on as he always does when WFO (which is usually not a problem) where as I will want to have loud music and be pottering around all day.

He's a sensitive guy and I think he might get offended that I don't want to spend the day with him after a few weeks of separation, he'll probably offer to help but tbh I just really want a day to do it myself, be by myself to re adjust.

OP posts:

Calic0 · 20/02/2019 09:55

Stick some headphones on so you can listen to music while you clean and tidy and won’t be distracted by him. He should be working anyway (generally what WFH entails). Meet up for morning coffee / lunch. Job done.

I think it’s nice that he wants to do this. I also don’t think your MH issues trump his desire to see his wife after weeks of separation. Find a way to compromise.

OwlinaTree · 20/02/2019 09:58

Surely he's working not spending time with you? Better to have a day of holiday later on and relax together? Could you suggest that instead?

Teddyduchamp · 20/02/2019 10:00

He may be a bit fraught after having one of his children in hospital for several weeks and his wife away. His need to reconnect and get some comfort from you, I don't think, can be trumped by your need for comfort even though they are not completely compatible. I think the pp had a good idea for compromise xx

user1474894224 · 20/02/2019 10:06

My oh WFH and YANBU. It takes over the whole house. You can't get in and hoover. You can't walk through sorting while they are on the phone etc etc. I get it.....(but ask him nicely....or maybe ask if he could go into work an hour early and get home an hour early for a nice tea together.)

Apple103 · 20/02/2019 10:12

Yabu given it has been a tough few weeks for both of you, I think take a step back and look at what's important. If you delay the deep clean till Tuesday is it going to be more important than actually seeing each other and getting back into a family routine again?
If hes working then just do the other rooms that's hes not in.
I think you might just upset yourself and your dh for a reason that you can work around.

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2019 10:17

I think YABU

Just get on with the cleaning and make it clear it might affect his calls etc, if the hoover is going.

Turn the music down or use headphones.

LaPampa · 20/02/2019 10:20

I think the poster above who notes your needs don’t trump your husbands needs - but surely you can find a way to compromise? You clean whilst he goes out early to get you all some breakfast? Hoover between his calls with headphones on?

I’d try and see the fact he wants to be around is because he cares not because he wants to disturb your rituals.

Chamomileteaplease · 20/02/2019 10:21

Hopefully your dh knows you well enough to know what you are like in this sort of situation. And that therefore there is no point in him staying at home to a) work and b) get in your way.

I think it would help to acknowledge that you haven't spent any time together recently and that you would love that but only when you both have the day off together and can relax together. That would not happen on Monday.

Sirzy · 20/02/2019 10:23

It’s been a tough time for you all, he wants to spend time with you and this is the only way he can. You can clean while he works

RhiWrites · 20/02/2019 10:27

Both of your needs are important. Can you say you’d rather he goes to work so you can get a proper clean done and then have a nice relaxing evening together.

You both need to figure out what will make you feel better, individually and together.

thecatsthecats · 20/02/2019 10:31

I think YABU. My husband and I are both WFH today, and it's nice to have him 'there but not there'. I know it's your routine, but this ISN'T routine. He's missed both you and your child.

I'm not saying his needs come first - if you were back from a holiday and he missed only you, I'd say he should shove off for your sake.

FlagFish · 20/02/2019 10:32

As you have identified, he has suggested it as a nice thing so you need to acknowledge that as well as considering your own needs. Any chance he could go into the office but leave early? Or go into the office but you could come and meet him for lunch?

bellabasset · 20/02/2019 10:33

I'd try to persuade him to go to work for the day so you can clear up without disturbing each other, tell him you want to prepare a special meal so you can relax in the evening and catch up.

I hope your DC is fully recovered.

Original poster

Bearchild · 20/02/2019 10:34

Thanks, I guess I am being a unreasonable, my MH blurs things sometimes, it's helpful to see things from 'normal' peoples POV.
I'll find a way of working something out.

DH's WFH isn't a case of being sat at a desk all day, he's usually walking the house with a headset heading up meetings from all over the world, he works better when he can move and we don't have a desk anyway, all screen work is done on a random side he finds at the time, between calls he wants to chat, have coffee etc which is normally lovely but when I'm in the zone I find it hard to focus on multiple things.
I will be at work again full time Tuesday, so that won't happen.
I will have to find a way to get over it and cope, pull up my big girl pants and remember that my MH issues shouldn't effect the rest of the family.

OP posts:

category12 · 20/02/2019 10:34

Any chance he could do a half-day at work as a compromise?

I would tell him gently what you need and arrange a day together/make some really nice plans for the weekend.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 20/02/2019 10:35

Have you thought about what's best for your sick child in all of this? Shouldn't your focus be on caring for them? I sure as hell wouldn't be trying to reconnect with my house on my child's first day back from hospital.

thecatsthecats · 20/02/2019 10:41

Milk - yeah, I'm sure OP doesn't give a fuck about her child.

OP - it's not about your MH not affecting the rest of the family. You are as much a part of the family as anyone else. It's just sometimes people without MH issues aren't perfect or resilient either and need a bit of prioritising too.

This is an event that encompasses the whole family - the sick child and the well one, the parent whose been away and the parent who stayed at home. So the solution has to be a whole one also.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/02/2019 10:44

MilkTwoSugars
I’m with you there. I would have thought Monday would be a family day. Sod work, school and housework. If he’s that much of a hot shot, I assume he’s paid well and you could afford to get a cleaner.

Original poster

Bearchild · 20/02/2019 10:44

My child has a long term illness and isn't 'sick' as such, he'll be back to school Tuesday, he is also an older teenager who will be more than happy to watch a film, play his xbox etc. I'm purposely not going into much detail.

We've spent weeks in isolation, hours and hours away from home, no visitors, it's really tough to get back to the hustle and bustle of regular life, it's something I've always struggled with and have spoken with DH at length about.
I will have a conversation with DH and explain it and say that I'd love to spend the evening/ night with him relaxed and calm rather than manic and stressed. He's a genuinely lovely man and I'm sure he'll understand. I'm probably just being over anxious.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 20/02/2019 10:51

I also think YABU but I'm sure it's not come from a bad place

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 20/02/2019 10:55

I honestly can't see the harm in saying that you need to do a deep clean before you go back to work, and it would be a better working environment for him without the hoover going in the background.
I think wfh shouldn't encroach on everyone else's space

IDoN0tCare · 20/02/2019 10:59

Why would your house be a tip. Does he work 24hrs a day, or is he visiting you every evening? Why hasn’t he been keeping on top of it, while you were with your other child?

Weezol · 20/02/2019 11:00

Could he not work upstairs while you clean downstairs and vice versa?

Original poster

Bearchild · 20/02/2019 11:33

He takes DC to school, goes to work until pick up time and then spends time with DC until bedtime and then goes back to work at home until very late to make up for the time missed, we have different standards of tidy and clean, I am quite obsessive about it and he is more relaxed, when I say tip I mean my version of it, a pile of washing to do and clutter in the kitchen, floors need mopping etc, he will be doing the general bits everyday they won't have been living in squalor for weeks in end, I'll also do a shop and meal plan and make a nice meal.

OP posts:

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