To feel so lonely?

[strictlycomecrapy]

I'm 33 and I've always wanted children but I can't have them,it's caused me depression and to feel like a total failure.
My best friend has a little boy 6 and is pregnant with her second child.
I never see her,we talk text a lot but she never makes the effort.
She's off work all week and it's half term so I suggested today why don't we meet up and go somewhere with her son,I suggested either soft play or a farm or anything really.
I just wanted to see her and I had bought her little boy a little present as it's nearly his 7th birthday.
I text her and she text saying she would call me.
She rang and we were chatting (didn't mention doing anything ) then said (sons name) wants to meet his friend today (which meant she was wanting to go out with one of her friends with kids) she's always out with one of two of her other friends (both with kids)
I feel so excluded.
I've suggested tea and I just get (sons name ) will be bored as you have no kids.
She then text saying she can get her son watched for 15 mins on Friday (possibly ) and maybe she can fit me in for a coffee (her words)
I just feel like I'm not good enough as I have no kids.

That must be crappy. Maybe you're relying on her too much? I struggle to meet my friends without children because it's hard to keep DS entertained when they just want to sit and chat. I think they definitely have more fun when they see their other friends who don't have kids!
Maybe you should aim to make friends you have more in common with? Easier said than done though - my aim is to find other friends with kids as I feel lonely/excluded a lot of the time.

All my friends have kids.
We have loads in common and have been friends since we were 7.
It's just a shame I'm not welcome because I have no kids.

OP, I feel for you. That's a really upsetting stage of life to be in. I was childless, not through choice, for well over a decade, and felt so excluded, so lonely. It's very isolating.

If you're unlikely to ever be able to have children then I think you deserve at very least to establish some new friendships with people in a similar position. Would you consider doing some activities that typically aren't attractive to parents of small children? Salsa nights, am dram, daredevil sports etc. i know there are no compensatiosn for being childless when you'd rather be a parent, but are there any things you'd love to do in life that maybe you've put off and could start doing, that might lead to new friendships with childless people?

My only little glimmer of some hope is I'm booked in for a laparoscopy soon to try and "clean me out" so to speak.
They've never said never but it's never happened due to endometriosis.
I have a gut feeling that it never will.

To be honest op your friend sounds like a shit: declining to meet as her D's will be bored as you have no kids? Is she quite dim? What a thoughtless unpleasant remark.

Are you investing in a worthless friendship? Surely there are richer friendships where they will be of value than this one?

I wouldn't even suggest meeting without her D's as she sounds awful.

@strictlycomecrapy what a terrible situation - I'm so sorry

Could you foster?

She isn't your friend OP. Stop trying

It may not be about kids. Might she be using that as an excuse? She doesn't sound keen to see you. Could be she just prefers the company of other friends, or is nolonger as interested in the things you used to have in common?

Many women find that once they have a child, their free time is scarce and precious. Entertaining young kids is exhausting! I prefer to spend time with other mums so the kids can play while we chat, or I'm up and down dealing with whining! Any kid-free time I get I prefer to spend alone or with DH. I have a close friend who is lovely but very needy, I just don't have the energy for her nowadays so try to limit how much time I spend with her.

Why not try to make some new friends?

I think a lot of women get locked into motherhood and childrearing when their children are small and can;t see beyond it. They can only talk about their children, concentrate on their children, discuss feeding and behaviour and school with other equally obsessive women. Having an independent friend around makes them uncomfortable because they have to refocus. I honestly wonder if it's a hormonal thing, it's so common. And so many wonderful friendships get lost because of it.

If its any consolation, I have endometriosis, its stuck all over my bowels and spreading. The only thing preventing pregnancy in me now is my being sterilised. I have two kids.

Even people with PCOS can end up with their own little hoard.

So never give up! You're not a failure. It might happen. But I would seriously look into fostering. There is a world of things out there which we can do.

I'm currently volunteering at some dog rescues. I love them but the breeds I favour are incompatible with me. I can help out with them but I cannot keep one long term. Sometimes the sickness and tears it causes me are awful. That's how much it means to me. But I also get a sense of wellbeing, knowing I'm helping.

It is hard when you have kids and have to juggle. If I don't socialise mine in the right environment enough, they (well, one of them) can become quite difficult. Your friend may have this issue. Its possible she feels she has less in common now too, but I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt

All the things I suggest to her are kid friendly.
It's not like I'm saying let's for cocktails or shopping etc

@BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty it's on my bowels too
They said Ibs at first

"It's just a shame I'm not welcome because I have no kids."

My DD doesn't see one or two of her Friends because they just don't get young children. They'll offer to go the farm etc, but they expect to be able to sit with cups of coffee. To her, they 'go on about crap" because they aren't really on her wave length anymore.

She's got time off work amd her child off school and they want to do stuff that suits them both.

Would you ask to go along with all of them?

When I was a kid, my parents had lots of child free friends and some of them were very close to us as a family (like to the extent of being like Aunts/Uncles). I don't understand why she has to cut you out (unless, as PP say, you have drifted apart in general maybe). Seems a great shame to me. Sorry OP, no advice, I don't really understand why people do this either.

Ahhh infertility (particularly in your 30s when everyone around you is having kids) is really fucking lonely. I have a child now but am not going to patronise you with miracle stories. However I remember the loneliness during the years we were trying and all my friends were on their 3rd or 4th child, only wanting to do things with them, talk about them etc. I’m not proud to say I ended up consciously withdrawing from them. The thing is, now I have my own, I haven’t re-established contact because I figure that if they didn’t have the sensitivity to realise how shit their constant baby chat and prioritising “mummy friends” made me feel; if we no longer had anything to chat about or do together; what kind of friendship was it really?

Sorry to be blunt, but your friend sounds like a nob. I found making some acquaintances based on interests instead (running, knitting, books, pottery, cookery courses etc) meant meeting people with far more to talk about than kids. If you need to meet other women in a similar boat, there’s also an organisation called Gateway Women that has loads of meet ups across the county for support x

And I think you’ve been more than thoughtful to offer to go to soft play with her!

One of my really close friends has been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years now. She is so desperate to be a mum. I am ridiculously fertile and even though I love my friend everytime I see my friend I feel an over whelming guilt. I am currently expecting now and I know how hard this must be for her and I feel bad that I am expecting knowing how much she want this. She has never said anything nor would she ever make me feel bad or judged because of her situation but I just feel like i should hide my pregnancy so she doesn't feel upset. She is genuinely one of the loveliest people I have ever met and she genuinely deserves to have a baby so much. Could your friend feel like I do and maybe not want to hurt you?

Am sorry you have horrible fiends x

I wouldn't expect her to sit and chat.
Every time we've been out I've very much got involved.
Before she made friends with this woman with kids I was invited to places but since she's made friends with her it's like I'm not needed.

Before she made friends with this woman with kids I was invited to places but since she's made friends with her it's like I'm not needed.

Ouch. That is sad :-(

No advice, except try and cultivate other friendships because it seems this woman is not treating you nicely how friends should treat each other.