To actually call it a day?

[Springwalk]

My oldest and dearest friend of forty years has really hurt me and I don't know how to fix it.

I had a car crash last year, I needed surgery and was in and out of hospital for six months and couldn't drive. I didn't see or hear from her at all during this time, which was unusual. It turns out during this time she had decided to get divorced (I knew that she and her ex dh were arguing alot, but I had no idea they had decided to end their marriage) so her announcement was out of the blue, and everyone was shocked.

I obviously called her daily as we do when serious things happen, and I tried to meet up with her as soon as I could drive (she is three hours away) I couldn't drive for ages so we kept in constant contact over the phone, and I saw her a few times over the summer to talk through it all with her. I took her flowers and sat for hours talking about it. Not once did she ask me about my accident. Not the end of the world, but the accident was a big deal for me.
Over the summer she told me she was fine with the divorce, that her marriage had died some time ago.

Over the summer she has met someone else, a new man. I am really happy for her, she sounds happier than she has ever been.

Fast forward to christmas, I can now drive and suggest we meet up, she said she didn't want to do anything at christmas this year, said it was too painful with the divorce. At the same time she was also saying she was having a great time with new man. Very romantic nights etc. I was really confused as to how she was really feeling, and I was not sure what to do, in the end I offered to have the dc whenever she needed a break etc. I chalked it up to her being busy with her new man and getting her head around christmas.

I sent her xmas presents to her just before new year as I had a big operation coming up. Nothing from her not even an acknowledgement that she had received them (I know she has received them as her dd texted mine with a photo) I am hurt she didn't even say thank you, much less send anything to my dc. No problem these things happen, she has a lot on.

Four weeks ago I had major major surgery following the accident. Serious stuff. I am completely out of action for months. She texts me a few times, and says she will come over and see me. Last weekend I asked when she might be coming, and she told me she was doing her nails, going to the gym and meeting her new man for lunch with his friends. I don't think she has any intention of coming, she will wait until I am better so we can do something 'fun' or she can stay with us.

I am really hurt.

She didn't even bother to thank me for her dd's birthday present that dh sent last week, and seems largely totally indifferent to pain I am in.

I might be U with all the meds, and I am tired and in a lot of pain, but I feel that this is the end of our friendship. Since when does a visit to the nail salon/new man become more important than me?

I'm always a bit torn with these ones. If the lack of contact and support from your friend is causing you pain then step away by all means and it does sound like she's being a shitty friend at the moment. But I'd also be wary of throwing away 40 years of close freindship because your freind is having a dramatic couple of years (divorces and new relationships take attention away from everything else for lots of people, rightly or wrongly). If in 2 or 3 years time, she's come back down to earth and your freindship could be back on track will you miss her if you've decided to call time on the friendship because she's not being a great friend now?
Do what you need to do for now and don't keep up giving to a woman who gives nothing back, but it's worth remebering how important that friendship has been in your life and how it could be again if you accept that right now she's not got the space in her life to be the friend you need right now.

Thank you Boom, for that really considered reply, she has been a good friend over the years. The last few years not so much, maybe with the stress she seems to only think about herself.

I feel abit used.

She has the time for the things she wants to do, but no time for the things that do not benefit her directly.

I agree some distance may be the best way forward for a while, and see what happens. I am sad it has come to this.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset at all OP. Have you challenged her on it at all? It sounds like your friend is rather caught up in her new relationship, and is foolishly letting friendships fall to the wayside. She may well come back to you when the first flush of love has died down a bit, I'm sure you don't want to throw away a friendship of forty years over one period of being a shitty friend. She's been very uncaring and I'm sorry OP, I hope you make a swift recovery and aren't in pain too much longer

She sounds very self absorbed. I would just leave it for now and let her contact you.

tattoo Thanks tattoo, my situation is pretty shit atm, but at least I can still MN. May not be able to sit up but can still post!

We used to be so close, the kind of person you call if you are arrested. If she was in this position there is nothing that would stop me being there for her, so I guess it just feels like our friendship has become one sided, and I am fed up with propping it up. Making excuses for her.

I am not up to any kind of serious conversation with her about this as I feel too unwell at the moment, and I am not supposed to be stressed according to the drs. Sometimes peoples true colours do shine through, she is not really the wonderful friend I thought she was.

Iloveacurry she does contact me, to tell me all her news never to ask me how I am. Every time she calls I get 15 minutes of what is new in her life whilst I am lying here trying hard not to cry.

The joy of life-long lasting friendships is that they can be picked up again after one or other party takes a step back. Whether that's her when she pulls her head out of the cloud/her arse or you when you've got the energy to try and pick it up.

When I was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago, my closest friend of 35 years, dropped me like a steaming hot turd. She graced me with visits on my birthday and xmas (I've been pretty much housebound all this time, as I still have cancer) for the first 4 years, never popped in to see me (she lives next door!) any other time, and now doesn't even bother with the bi-annual visits.

I've found that the old saying "You find out who your true friends are, when you've got a crisis" is very true, and it sounds like this has happened to you. It's shit, and it hurts, but I don't bother now. I've had friends who were pretty new at the time, who have been true friends, and they're the people who I value now.

It wouldn't be you throwing your friendship away, but your "friend". She's shown no care about, or interest in you, going through a divorce doesn't stop you from caring about other people, she's just using it as a handy excuse to avoid seeing you.

Stop sending gifts, and don't worry about replying to her texts, unless she actually asks how you are.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

boom friendship does have its ups and downs, what is the point of friendship unless you can be there when the proverbial shit hits the fan every now and then? I don’t need friends that are fair weather not even old ones.

motoko I am so sorry you have cancer, I hope you are recovering. What a time to find out your closest friend was such a flake. That must have hurt a lot.
You are absolutely right about knowing who your friends are. Some of my friends have been amazing, so it is not all terrible. Same as you, often it’s the people you least expect.
I am going to take big step back ow. I don’t want to be a good time friend and ditched the second something goes wrong.

The joy of life-long lasting friendships is that they can be picked up again after one or other party takes a step back. Whether that's her when she pulls her head out of the cloud/her arse or you when you've got the energy to try and pick it up.

I think this is good advice. Best wishes with your recovery.