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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to tell my friends I do not want to be involved in their open marriage set up?

52 replies

ZingerDinger · 19/02/2019 13:47

I have NC for this as I'm not sure if they use mumsnet. I have a group of friends I have been friends with for 25 years. I am the only single one in the group. We are all in our late 40s, early to late 50s.

A few weeks ago out of the blue, one of the husbands, let's call him X, said he needed to speak to me about a work matter (I work in an advisory business). I met him and we spoke about work then had a few drinks - we were all a bit pissed and I thought I might be misreading it but his behaviour made me feel uncomfortable. He then told me that him and his wife (Y) had decided to experiment with an open relationship and he had always fancied me and would I be up for fun. I said no, made my excuses and left.

Y had not told all of us about this new 'thing' but I asked her closest friend in the group if she knew and she said no but that Y had asked her out for a drink the next day where she said she had something to tell her. Y then (the next day) emails all of us some massive email explaining that she had a very long affair and X had one too with someone else and they had decided they wanted to stay together but carry on seeing other people.

All fine except they had decided to make this all hugely dramatic like it was the biggest news story on the planet for us all. Then to add insult to injury, I see X on the dating site I'm on and he's liked me and Y likes my friend (a man) on there and then starts bombarding me with questions about what he's like. She starts talking to him, he calls me up and says hang on a minute, she's married, she's still having something with the bloke she's had the affair with and she wants someone else?

I have had enough of all their drama. I don't want to be involved in their personal lives at all and I wish they would leave me out of it. I have ASKED them to stop involving me but they seem to think this is all hilarious whereas I don't actually find it funny or interesting at all. I told them all this and they think I am overreacting. So AIBU?

OP posts:
Springwalk · 19/02/2019 15:05

I think it is really out of order the friend's husband coming on to you like that, under the guise of a work related matter. Really bloody rancid.

I guess your friend does know, as he hit on you and then she declared their status magically a few days later. What was wrong with her simply having a quiet word with friends individually. Even the broadcasting is distasteful.

I would run a mile from friends like this. They are going to bring all sorts of seedy grubby low life to your door (and theirs) They have betrayed your friendship and made you uncomfortable, and now they are 'public' you will hear about nothing else.

It would be game over for me. It is creepy and seedy, and who wants that in their life.

RedBerryTea · 19/02/2019 15:06

They sound very sleazy and I predict their arrangement will end in tears. Take a leaf out of Lynn's book...…

hatriet · 19/02/2019 15:08

Honestly I would distance myself from the friendship - it is seedy and I can only see if causing a lot of problems. They came to this decision from an unhappy place and sounds like they are trying to recruit. I would tell the DH (and possibly the wife) that just because you are single it does not mean you are sexually available. How insulting...

maras2 · 19/02/2019 15:11

Sorry OP to derail but just had to YouTube Alan Partridge 'Lynn these are sex people', as posted by a few folk.
Me and DH have just spent a great few minutes watching it and reminiscing (we don't get out much Smile)
OP. Please send this to your friends.

Margot33 · 19/02/2019 15:14

I don't care about other people's relationships unless it starts to involve me. Asking you for sex is creepy. Involving you is a definite no no. Why couldn't they contain their sexual exploits in swinging clubs or dating apps (without liking you)? Stay away...it won't end well. If you have to, send your friend an e-mail explaining that him asking you out and liking you on a dating app is creepy. As if they don't think you can do better than to be stuck in their werid situation.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2019 15:15

Ewww grim. Coming onto you like you’re a piece of meat. YANBU. Cna you imagine civilised dinner parties after hooking up??

Loopytiles · 19/02/2019 15:20

Ew.

I like the “unsubscribe” option!

longwayoff · 19/02/2019 15:26

Hmm. Gets messy very quickly. Take them off the Christmas card list pronto. Blecch.

justasking111 · 19/02/2019 15:27

We were invited to supper once, other parents at the school. OH suddenly said, we had to go. Weird I thought he must be ill. When we got in the car he said the wife had been trying to play with him under the table and he panicked. Well the husband had been very attentive to me. We found out later they had done it to other couples who had also walked out. So creepy.

recrudescence · 19/02/2019 15:27

Difficult to imagine a more embarrassing or creepy scenario. I’m afraid I’d have to change my name, sell up and leave town.

AdoptAdapt · 19/02/2019 15:28

"“Lynn, these are sex people.”" - just made me LOL.

I think it's kind of sweet that they felt the need to disclose their personal lives to you all. A bit like you're all at school and they're the first couple to partake in a blow job in the park or something.

Husband hitting on you aside, they'll get bored of talking about it soon enough. It would be a shame to lose solid friendships over this - unless you have other reasons not to want to be friends with them any more - and hopefully they'll realise they've been a bit inappropriate. In the meantime, I reckon you should talk about how you went to a fetish / rubber club just to see how they react. Bet they'd be either green with envy, desperate to go with you, or - and this is what I think is most likely - cross that you stole their sexual thunder (how pathetic that that's even a thing).

I have lots of friends in open relationships. I don't care if they have sex with each other or other people or whatever. I also don't mind if any of them hit on me. I do mind if they try to pull me into their weird sexy time Burning Man style parties though. Not my thing!

lboogy · 19/02/2019 15:34

I'd drop them as friends. Yuck!

lmusic87 · 19/02/2019 15:39

If you don't have a great friendship with them, just distance yourself. Weird

londonrach · 19/02/2019 15:39

I feel sorry for them as they sound very unhappy. However no way would i ever see them again. Defriend defriend!

Piffle11 · 19/02/2019 15:40

You know, I hate this. It's like 'oh aren't we so bohemian and open minded, and little Zinger is SO provincial!! I'd be taking a massive step back - not because of their lifestyle, but because they are refusing to respect your boundaries/wishes. I know a woman who met some new people a while back, after her marriage ended. Turns out they were swapping partners left, right and centre. She wasn't interested, but they kept trying to get her involved, and when she repeatedly said no, it was as though they were trying to shock her with their antics, telling her 'shocking' titbits. She cut off contact with all of them.

PinkiOcelot · 19/02/2019 15:43

Grim!

youknowmedontyou · 19/02/2019 16:12

Agree with @PinkiOcelot its Grim!

27dresses · 19/02/2019 16:18

Way to ruin a friendship. This couples are creepy and weird. Cut contact

tashac89 · 19/02/2019 16:20

Eesh. Poly/open is all well and good but boundaries don't vanish cause you open your relationship and consent is still a thing. Gross.

27dresses · 19/02/2019 16:24

Tell them to get a better hobby. Creepy badtarfs

IceIceCoffee · 19/02/2019 16:30

It’s so odd that mutual friends aren’t off limits

ZingerDinger · 19/02/2019 16:39

that link has made me lol

yes I think the whole, because you're single, you're fair game has really pissed me off. Like just because I'm single I'm that fucking desperate!

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/02/2019 17:03

I could, maybe, go past the first approach, but after no, I'd be pissed off too.

If you value their friendship, send them both a message telling both that you don't want to be involved in their sex lives in any way (commenting on other people out of boundaries too).
But I'd probably distance myself from them, regardless, and would go NC if any of them ignored my request.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/02/2019 19:29

Maybe they sent the email because the first thing you did when you found out was run to your other friends to find out if they knew too? Funny how your desperation not to be involved didn’t stretch to keeping your gob shut.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 19/02/2019 19:31

Why the hell did the OP have to 'keep her gob shut'? Hmm

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