To please literally BEG for your help about urgent Adult Social care for DM

[SophiaLovesSummer]

DM has very suddenly become really ill. She's been diagnosed with Epstein Barr and one other virus and is weaker than weak. She can't wash herself, certainly cn't prep food - it's just awful. Doc says she will recover but only with time and right now she's on her own (I've just juggled the last week frantically but she's over 100 miles away and I work odd, mad, intense hours.

On advice of her GP I rang the Emergency Adult Care Crisis number on Friday and someone called back today, they sounded really unbothered (irritated TBH) and said 'what is it you WANT from us?'. To which I said I had no clue as have no clue what they can offer but DM is clearly stuffed right now. They're ringing again tomorrow - can anyone please advise what DM is entitled to (she's literally weak as a kitten and my guilt is huge)? And what does 'care' look like? People coming in 3 times a day to help with food? Stuff she simply can't do like empty the bins, can't even bath or shower alone as too weak. It's desperate and I'm feeling useless and clueless. Can anyone advise please?

NB neither she nor I (single mum) can afford private care, I'm not even sure I can afford a cleaner for her but I'm in pieces here. Be grateful for any pointers? TIA

I mean this with tenderness, oyuoxare clearly in a sad situation but she is your mother, what is preventing you from taking care of her in the short term?

You and she are that should read

Hiya

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this but to the practical advice

Ask for input from the reenablement team

They have access together own and providers care services

In the first few days it can be a littlw rough and ready but its worth it

The an assessment and referral for longer term and more helpful care but that will need to go to panel

Start with the above and then ask for a full assessment and to go to panel for care funds

Yes I was also going to ask is she well enough to travel and could she stay with you temporarily ?

No ..in the nicest possible way it's a huge undertaking to care for a family member 100 miles away and has massive massive impact on funds and mental health
..please ask for help and please ignore any guilt trips
..there is a very good reason people do this for a career

Please ask for help

"she's over 100 miles away and I work odd, mad, intense hours."

Presumably that's what's preventing her yesican

She's a 200 mile round trip away and I have 2 DC on my own here as well as work, that's what's preventing me from doing more. I did utmost last week as she declined but IMPOSS do on ongoing basis (not as don't want to or don't care but as literally can't - DC in schools here, my job and childcare already very delicate balance as work insane shift patterns).

Also, and not point of thread, but my DB is being a lazy selfish arse, didn't even go over once last week even tho only 20 miles away, has a 9-5 predictible hours job, AND has a DW to do everything else. I've tried talk to him but he's made it clear he can't/won't help.

Having her stay at yours would be impractical in many ways but better than what's currently happening. You can leave her while you work, with a packed lunch and dinner....

@Yesicancancan I think it’s abundanlty clear why op can’t? Single parent, works long, differing hours and her mum lives 100 miles away. Not everyone can just drop work to care for a relative.

Op, you need to ask for an assessment and they will be able to tell you what they think is necessary. Don’t be afraid to push for more if you think she needs more help. Hopefully there will be someone along in a moment with more knowledge to help you

Contact your mum's GP surgery (she will have to give her permission for you to speak on her behalf) and request that a home assessment be done urgently. This meant a trained health care professional came out to my mum, discussed her requirements including aids around the home, carers, etc. They also contacted the Dept. of Works and Pensions who sent someone out to complete an application form for a benefit she was entitled to to help pay for any help or equipment she required. Also see if you have a Carers association that you can contact for support for yourself. In an ideal world we would all drop everything to support our families when they need it, but in most cases that isn't realistically possible. You can only do your best, so please look after yourself as well.

Shiny thats really elpful - thank you

Does 'panel for care funds' mean SHE would be in charge of that/how to use it? As that's the other thing I'm deaing with, she's being a bit tricky about people she doesn't know coming in (which I understand, she's been utterly independent until now) and she might feel better if had some input into who was there iyswim.

And no, staying here not an option - no room, she'd still be alone when I was at work etc etc. Trust me, I've mentally explored every option before reaching this point

Flowers Thank you, that's really helpful.

And at risk of repeating myself, her being here is literally not an option. Even if had a room for her (which don't) I'm often working for up to 3 days away based elsewhere and already treading THE finest line with the DC, after school childcare and then blessed mates having them overnight if I'm away. It's all already stretched to fuck - trust me, if there was an easier way I'd be choosing it!

Presumably the GP doesn't have a frailty nurse if they have directed you to the service - I hope they are helpful when they ring back tomorrow. Not sure about the entitlements tbh, can Age Concern help - they have a helpline I think.

I only got my parents to accept help after a hospital admission tbh, everything was reviewed then by OT and hospital Social Worker. They got 6 weeks help after discharge and this was long enough to set up some further support.

I hope it works out OK, OP

I have direct experience of this. It will take a little while to get carers in place. The first visit will be an assessment visit. The emphasis will be on supporting her to be independent as much as possible. Absolutely no to bin emptying. If you want that, you will need to employ a cleaner. However, she can be helped with getting in and out if bed, going to the toilet, washing, dresssing, and having a shower. How many visits a day will depend on her needs - my dad had every morning and evening because he couldn’t dress himself and my mum had 3 mornings a week because she could dress herself but couldn’t shower by herself.

Helping with food is less definite. The expectation is that you will order in microwaveable meals such as Wiltshire Farm Foods and your mum will prepare it herself if she is able, but if not able, assistance can be given. Some carers will make a cup of tea, but not all, probably depending on how much of a rush they are in that day.

The initial assessment will give advice about aids such as perching stools and trolleys and so on, which can reduce the need for human support.

Good luck.

Contact Adult Social Care at her council and tell them she needs an urgent needs assessment - you aren't expected to care for yourself, because you simply cannot (so don't beat yourself up for that).

This is my field of work- I run Care and Nursing agencies. The chances are that your mums Local Authority sub contracts out most of its homecare. Social Care- help with toileting, washing and dressing, support with meds and basic food prep does come under this - but it is means tested. Also there is a huge shortage of care staff so there is no guarantee that an agency would have capacity to accept the package.

The GP is a good first start- but if your mum is so in need I don't think you have any option but to try and take a few days of to sort things and support in the interim. If she's at risk of self neglect or harm through falling then maybe she need to be admitted to hospital who would arrange a care package as part of her discharge plan.

If you can get a rapid response referral for homecare and there is capacity to take, the agency or Social Service care team should be in touch to do the assessment and careplan- you should try and be in attendance for this if you can.

Remember they will only cover the minimum of tasks based contact time - be prepared for a planned visit as short as 15 mins. It may take time to get a regular carer too.

It;s in everyones interests to maintain your mum safely in her own home. Just be as proactive and persistent as you can .

Hope it all works out xx