So disappointed in my brother. Should I interfere? AIBU?

[Cohh]

Hi. Regular poster name changed.

My brother (44) went through a terrible separation 2 years ago. His wife of 1 year left him unexpectedly for a colleague and also left a load of unexplained debt. He crumbled, we were so worried, but after 3 months he met someone else, K.

K is the opposite of wife. She is loyal, steady, quiet, not conventionally attractive. I think my brother saw her as "safe". She's such a lovely woman, kind-hearted, thoughtful. My kids adore her. She doesn't get a lot of male attention and doesn't go out much, she has a few health issues which rule out paid work, she's besotted with my brother. This suits him, because of what he went through.

On Saturday night I bumped into a school friend of my brother. He let slip drunkenly that my brother has been messaging a girl he knew at age 17/18 for several months - first as friends but he has become smitten. Then, they apparently bumped into each other when watching rugby in the pub a couple of weeks ago and kissed. The friend says that this woman is gorgeous, successful and my brother is wary and thinks she's out of his league despite her apparent keenness.

I haven't told anyone. I chatted with my other brother today (casually) and he thinks that our brother is "making do" with K. Apparently he's said that he's not in love but likes her and enjoys hanging out with her (I guessed as much).

I'm disappointed. Disgusted, even. K is really nice and thinks he's "the one". Should I talk to him? I think he should finish with her, he's stringing her along. I understand why, but it's wrong.

Urghh your brother sounds awful. I feel so bad for the girl he’s with now. He’s basically cheating on her. If it was my sibling - I would need to have a word. K deserves better.

I feel sorry for K, you aren't very nice about her either

I would definitely speak to your brother that this isn't fair to K but you have to leave him to it, its not your place to get involved

Poor K, she is your brothers rebound.

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't it illegal for your 44 year old brother to date a 17 year old?

@poodloo you're wrong. 17 and 44 not illegal

But you've read it incorrectly , the brother is messaging a girl he knew when he was 16/17

Poodlo - I think she means he first knew her years ago when they were both teenagers. Although it wouldn’t be illegal even if she was 17.

I think the brother knew this woman when he was 16/17 not that she is that age now.

The way you've written about K isn't that brilliant either.

I'd probably talk to him, but in a "what are you playing at?" kind of way rather than telling him what to do.

Where on earth do you get that from putyourtopon

She describes her as lovely, kind hearted, loyal, thoughtful.....

I think you should tell your brother that you've heard about this, and point out to him that if you've heard, K may well hear about it too. Tell him that he needs to make a decision and it's not fair to keep K stringing along. Remind him how hurt he was when his previous relationship broke up. He owes it to K to be honest with her.

Then leave him to it. You can give your opinion, but ultimately it's his decision.

Op - you are listening to drunken gossip - you haven't seen your brother doing anything, he certainly hasn't confided in you - what do you think you might say to him?

What Flagfish said just there.

Isnt this just what many people do? They find a better prospect and are tempted to move on..?

Step back, your DB is on the rebound. Leave him alone. He may break this woman’s heart, but this new/old woman could end up being the person he’s with for the next 40 years of his life. If you find the need tell him what you’ve heard, it may make him think about K and realise that he has a decision to make. None of us are perfect, particularly not when it comes to love.

Why are you so involved ? There are, or their should be boundaries between siblings.

Oh yes. Thanks all!!

Keep out of it. It is not your business to police your brother's love life.

Never act on hearsay, OP.
You just have to stand back, hope it's not true, and if it is, know that your brother's going to do what he is going to do.

It sounds like K is more invested in the relationship than your brother. Maybe he doesn’t realise this - after all, he started seeing her just three months after his marriage broke down. Maybe he thought she knew it wasn’t serious.

A quiet word asking him if he knows how serious K is about him would be much more helpful than being ‘disappointed’ and ‘disgusted’. You know you’re HIS sister, not hers, right?

Yes, on the rebound I think- but it's been quite a while now and K is clearly crazy about him.

I didn't want to badmouth her - I think she's wonderful - I was trying to set the scene. She's not a gorgeous social butterfly like his ex wife (or this new/old woman from his past it seems). It's because I like K that I care. I wish he loved her and was faithful.

I suspect my brother is with her because he's wary about being hurt by the woman he really fancies, although I haven't spoken to him about it. His friend and our other brother think he's "settled". If true, it is unfair.

The comment about sibling boundaries struck a chord. We get on well and meet often, but don't really confide (he is eight years my senior). I don't want us to fall out.

Id just say to your brother that you know about this new woman and wonder if he has come to a decision about what to do about his relationship with k. You can do it from a place of concern for both him and k, and not from a place of judging him. If he really doesn't love k then he shouldn't stay with her and be miserable if he can have the chance of a more fulfilling relationship with new girl. But he should break up with k before taking the other relationship further.

Perhaps let him know that a story is going round that he kissed someone else - if nothing else, it means that he can tell the unfortunate K before someone else does. I've "settled for" someone before now and it didn't end well and should have ended much earlier than it did but I, too, was a coward.