First post here and feeling pretty down today so please go easy on me. This is a bit of a long story so I apologise in advance.
I am one of 3 - I’m the eldest with a younger brother and sister. My sister and I are very close.My brother has distanced himself from the family since he was a teenager - when I say distanced himself, he still lived at home with my mum and dad, making a mess, eating their food and taking their money (mum once found out he’d used her debit card to withdraw £1,500 over a week) but he refused to have anything to do with any of us. I moved out when I was 18 after I found out he’d stolen from me and I’d had enough of him. We’ve barely spoken since. I’ve always resented the way my mum and dad never stood up to him when he caused us all so much grief. I think Mum thought he would end up on the streets if she kicked him out. He’s never held down a job. He takes from people when it suits him and is selfish to the bone.
He eventually moved out of home aged 27 into his girlfriend’s house.
I happily fell pregnant last year and mum and dad were over the moon that they were finally getting a grandchild. A few weeks later, Dad’s opening a birthday card (the first one my brother has thought to send in years) and inside is a 12 week scan printed out. It turned out my brother was expecting a baby with his girlfriend and the due date was one week after mine.
To cut a long story short, my brother reappeared into our lives, very excited about his baby that was on the way, and we were all genuinely pleased for him and thought it might change him for the better and make him a responsible adult.
Fast forward several months and it turns out he’s a pretty absent father. His girlfriend has 2 children from a previous relationship and she’s single-handedly raising the baby and her other 2 while cooking and cleaning up after him. He says “hi” to the baby and that’s it, which is really upsetting to his girlfriend.
As such, my mum being the very kind soul that she is has taken pity on the girlfriend and has started treating her like she’s her own daughter, calling her all the time to see how she is, inviting her and her children and her dog round. If I ever say I’m popping home, mum invites the gf too because I think she wants for us all to be one big happy family. And the gf comes with her 3 kids and her large dog. Basically going “home” is not the same any more - I don’t get to catch up with my parents because they’re all putting on a big show for the gf and her kids. It’s not relaxed, it’s all small talk and brown-nosing. The crux of it was today when mum skipped the cauliflower cheese (my fave) in the roast to make the gf’s older son some mashed potato. I mean if that isn’t a crime I don’t know what is! ;)
I guess I also feel like my baby doesn’t get the attention I’d like him to, just because he’s now competing with 3 other kids.
I don’t know... I know I’m being selfish and should definitely sympathise with the poor girl that has to live with my brother, but I kind of want family back, the way I know and love it - my mum, dad, sister and me. I know I’m going to have to accept this change - I’m just sad that the dynamics are changing - and probably a little pissed off that it’s all because of my estranged brother (he still doesn’t come to any of these family get-togethers - his gf comes on her own!)
Has anyone else had any similar experience where family dynamics have changed and they’ve struggled to accept it? And how did you make peace with it?
I guess I’m sad that my sister and I are now sharing our mum not just between the two of us but between 6 people. I’m not going to ask AIBU because I’m 32 and old enough to know that I am... im just struggling with the change.