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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying in relationship out of guilt....

20 replies

villie · 17/02/2019 22:38

I'm unhappy. I know I need to leave. I know I am delaying the inevitable. We have a tiny baby, but are so wrong for each other. If I leave, he won't see his son that often and the guilt of potentially putting him in this position is bloody awful.

AIBU to stay out of guilt? I know IABU but need help and reassurance that I would be doing the right thing by leaving.

OP posts:
Cornish83 · 17/02/2019 22:42

You aren’t doing him any favours by staying if you don’t love him, he deserves to be loved and if you can’t then let him find someone who appreciates him.

Original poster
villie · 17/02/2019 22:44

@Cornish83 he's desperate for me not to leave, but mainly because he can't cope with having 2 kids to 2 different women who he loves (the kids) and who don't live with him... I can't cope with the guilt of leaving. Horrid situation.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/02/2019 22:44

How long have you felt like this? If you are sure I do think YABU for staying with him much longer thought as you are preventing him from finding happiness with someone else. If you are talking really tiny could you stay until baby is 3 months or something. I would suggest thinking things through if you have just given birth as its a risky time to make a huge life decision with hormones and emotions all over the place.

Could you tell him how you feel and suggest co-habiting for a short period ( 6 months or so) for the sake of the baby. If that's what you are worried about?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/02/2019 22:46

is there any reason why the child couldn't have 50-50 contact? (I know a newborn wouldn't be able to but going forward I mean)

Original poster
villie · 17/02/2019 22:47

@garethsouthgatesmrs baby was born in October. So is still pretty tiny. Deep down I'm not happy. Haven't been since pregnancy but I wasn't strong enough to leave. I feel like I've completely checked out and can't see myself genuinely falling back in love with him... I just feel sick to my stomach...

OP posts:
Original poster
villie · 17/02/2019 22:49

@garethsouthgatesmrs yes he is out of the house at 6:30am every morning and not back until 5:30/6pm. We live in his hometown because of his previous relationship. I have nobody there so would move 50 or so miles away to be with my own family.

OP posts:
Oakenbeach · 17/02/2019 22:49

Guilt is a very bad reason to stay in a relationship. Your son would likely be damaged were he to be forced to witness the dysfunctional relationship his parents would have if guilt is all that’s keeping you in the relationship now. And there’s no reason his father can’t continue to have a relationship with his son if the father wants that. Why wouldn’t he see him ‘that often’?

Original poster
villie · 17/02/2019 22:51

@Oakenbeach he's ebf and I would have to move back to my family who are 50 miles away. I couldn't afford to rent to start off with, and would be unlikely to move back to his hometown as I only know his family who live there. It's the only reason I moved there and miles away from my work,

OP posts:
Original poster
villie · 17/02/2019 22:52

I'm on mat leave so until he's 1 he could see him a lot. After my mat leave we would need some sort of arrangement

OP posts:
Namestheyareachangin · 17/02/2019 22:55

My love you keep name changing and posting the same thing over and over again. He's horrible. You are miserable. He will be horrible to your son and make him miserable. You need to leave.

Until the situation changes you will keep getting the same answer. Listen to the people on here, they know what they're talking about xx

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/02/2019 22:57

I have nobody there so would move 50 or so miles away to be with my own family.

He could potentially fight this ( although I doubt he would win in your case) I know someone who managed to stop his ex moving "home" to her parents town when they divorced.

You can't stay for 18 years so the right decision for your son is to move now so that he doesn't have to experience the split you can then get a proper routine in place for shared care. It sounds like he works long hours so once your baby is 1+ it's likely that if you were still together he would leave before your baby woke and get home just in time for bedtime. He wouldn't really be losing a lot of time in the week.

Obviously he would get EOW. How would you feel about losing that with your son while he is so little? How would you feel about being a single parent? Honestly those things would make me postpone until he was a bit older but i know I would BU to do that. The right thing to do is leave.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/02/2019 22:59

just read what Namestheyareachangin posted. I haven't read your other threads but if your partner is horrible to you then leave and leave now before your son starts being a victim too.

My advice to be cautious and wait was based on thinking your were in a normal relationship and had just fallen out of love.

Namestheyareachangin · 17/02/2019 23:17

The OP has posted dozens of times in the past few weeks under various names but always the identical situation and style, with varying questions basically aligned with wanting to leave but not wanting to hurt her OH. The threads go on to reveal really nasty emotional abuse to the OP. She keeps trying to find a way to understand him and fix him, but he's just a twat OP!

I can't push you into doing what you have to. But if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a fucking horrible abusive duck. Stop making excuses for him!!!

Bobbycat121 · 17/02/2019 23:19

Why do people post the same things over and over again?

Original poster
villie · 17/02/2019 23:21

@Bobbycat121 because we are only human and life is hard and if I stay it means I don't have to leave my son with him eow. I'm not really in a good place.

OP posts:
Bobbycat121 · 17/02/2019 23:23

But the responses arent going to be any different. So just reread the old ones?

EhlanaOfElenia · 17/02/2019 23:37

Well if you're so bored Bobbycat, why are you on this thread?!

Bobbycat121 · 17/02/2019 23:59

Did I say I was bored? I was genuinely wondering why someone would post the same thread repeatedly under different names hoping no one would notice, sorry but that is strange!

SandyY2K · 18/02/2019 00:24

Dont stay out of guilt.

janetforpresident · 18/02/2019 00:31

But the responses arent going to be any different. So just reread the old ones?

perhaps the OP is hoping that another poster will post a different response, the one she is looking for, that she can latch on to.

OP it sounds like you should leave, your partner will get access to our child and if he wants to going forward he can try and get up to 50% access. No need for you to stay for his sake. wishing you all the best. Get yourself home to your parents Flowers

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