Dd, 16 and dh, 50 cannot get along. They were fine up until she was about 10 or 11 and since then they cannot stand each other. To my mind, she is the child, he should make more of an effort. He had a very dysfunctional childhood and is somewhat emotionally stunted and feels that she should show him respect a la Victorian Times (I think). Anyway, for years I have mediated and poured oil on troubled waters.
I can see that dd is upset at his lack of interest. I have often thought that an outsider listening to them would assume she is not his but she is. She is now 16 and very capable but he undermines her often. E.g. she has a part time job in a restaurant and at the same time had been upset at putting on weight (she was watching what she ate, would be capable of working out what she needed to do, etc) so she came home from work the other day and he looked her up and down and said to me: find out what she had for lunch; I'll bet it was a burger and chips. It was not jovial or in a ooh, lucky you way. It was not kindly meant. There's a lot of that but everytime I mention it he is defensive: it is her fault, not his.
He has been though extensive therapy for his own childhood but will not entertain the idea of he and dd going to someone.
Anyway, it's my birthday next week. He is quite selfish and was dismissive of my choice of dinner to celebrate (takeaway- I do all the cooking usually) and said well YOU can have that and we'll have something else. Dd said we would love takeaway, whatever you want. Dd and dh started fighting and I do not want to spend my birthday evening mediating between them. Dd would be immediately contrite but dh will continue blaming dd.
Also, another sticking point: we have a 10 year old ds who is equally upset by this bickering. He runs between dd and dh trying to soothe both and be diplomatic. I would love to take just him to dinner but dd would be so upset then as she does try. In a teenaged, somewhat selfish way but does try and is considerate. Ds adores dh and it's reciprocated. Dd says she is hurt by and jealous of his adoration of ds.
Added to this dh has an adult dd from a previous relationship who is often publicly (and privately) vile to dh but he adores her too. In dd's view she is the one who fails to measure up. But equally she doesnt hold her dad in high estimation. Although she is often quite like him and her loveliest qualities are his too.
I want to go out with a friend and ignore my family but the kids would be so hurt and would blame themselves (while dh would sulk and blame dd).