To still be struggling to concentrate at work?

[Namestheyareachangin]

I went back to work full time (new job) after maternity leave in June. I'd been off for 18 months and was pretty apprehensive. But actually it all seemed to be OK, the work interesting, the people were nice, I could see myself doing really well, my DD and I weren't suffering from separation as much as I'd feared. It was all good.

I started on a Monday; on the Thursday I found out my mother had killed herself.

I had a lot to organise and deal with in the immediate aftermath of this and new job were very understanding, got 5 days paid compassionate leave etc. I then had a massive job to do, major project which required all my attention, which actually really helped me stay afloat. Then things settled down and my grief hit me like a brick wall.

I spent about 3 months getting more and more miserable and less anxious less done at work. Eventually I had to tell my manager I wasn't coping and took 3 days off as sick leave, owned up to spending at least half of every day on Mumsnet to distract from my horrible obsessive thoughts or googling about suicidal mothers, survivors of suicide, reasons for suicide, statistics on suicide... Not getting my work done on either case. Again they were very supportive, helped me with my an to get back on track; I tried to get IT to let me install software to block certain websites to help me concentrate better but they wouldn't due to policies. I got counselling for 6 weeks through the employee assistance programme. All this was before Christmas.

So now more than 8 months since my mum died... I'm still not able to focus. I'm working at maybe 70% effort on a really good day. An imminent deadline is the only thing that finally kicks ms into gear, with a result that all my work is a big rushed and half arsed. I just know how I must look to my team, most of whom don't know my mum has died never mind how. And anyway at this stage, shouldn't I be managing better anyway? Is it just an excuse now and I'm just in bad habits?

I always used to be great at work. Now I'm shit. And I don't know if I've just become lazy, out of practice or Swiss cheese brained sue to motherhood/mat leave, or if I am still legitimately having mental health issues because of my mum. I also don't know what to do about it, whatever it is - itry to be very honest with my manager about the fact I'm not doing my best work, and she's very supportive - but I'm worried as nothings changing eventually that will start to wear thin, and without her kicking my arse how will I ever get better?

I'm really struggling and so ashamed of my performance at work. I can genuinely twat the whole morning away on Mumsnet. Please help me, how do I sort myself out and get out of this shitty cycle?

Please excuse all the typos, on phone!!!

Have you seen a gp? Are you on medication or getting longer term medical help?
I'm so sorry you've gone through this, and it sounds like you need more support with your mental health.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, OP.

As for the procrastinating, I do this when my depression/anxiety is at it's worst and frankly I would be very surprised if you weren't depressed, given recent events. Have you spoken to your GP about the problems you're having? Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to, even just to offload from time to time?

So sorry to hear you are struggling OP, especially sorry to hear about your Mum.

Does the role challenge you enough? I have been very lazy at work recently. The culture in my team is awful, Manager is a manipulative bully who tries to blackmail us and turn us against each other. I do more work than most of the team but goodness I could apply myself far more. I am not motivated to do so because of my surroundings though, and the job isn't as much of a stretch as I expected. It's so easy to blag if I need to. Just by being a small step ahead of my team everyone else thinks I'm an expert, but it's not rocket science to be ahead of the game. I need to get out. I guess what I am trying to say is that I find it hard to ever fully apply myself unless I am surrounded my similar people with high expectations who will push me. I think there are lots of us out there and it's the right thing to work on yourself and not try and get work to force you to work by blocking websites etc.

Do you think anything apart from MN distracts you? I get by on distraction a lot and I had a massive mental fall a couple of months ago when one too many things landed on top of me. It's really unhealthy. I am trying to do yoga and less screen time to stop overstimulating my brain.

@stuck I went to the GP when I crashed and burned in autumn to get signed off sick - he wouldn't as I had to self certify for a fortnight before they'll do you a letter, I only took three days in the end as I was still on probation and the department is tight for money, so worried to take any more.

GP gave me the self-referral details for counselling service... I set up an appointment for telephone assessment but then missed it and before I set it up again I had access to the EAP counselling so let it lapse... Stupid as that is limited to 6 sessions and while I found it useful I could have done with a lot more I think. Mostly apathy I haven't sorted out a re-referral, but also I feel like NHS MH services are so overstretched that the fact I'm not sucidal will make me pretty small beer and I'll wait forever for a handful of sessions. I don't want drugs as I breastfeed my toddler and I don't want them getting into her (I know there are some you can take that are meant to be safe but I wouldn't feel right about it). Also my mum was on meds on and off for years and although they helped her manage sometimes they never made her better. She was on them when she died.

@thesnap thank you. No-one I can talk to really. Lovely friends but mostly very new as we moved to a new city during my may leave, so don't want to fall apart all over them. Issues with family, issues with partner. It's all a bit shite really. Except my toddler, she's great, but obviously not suitable to let off steam to!!

No, you haven't become lazy.
You are grief-based depression.
Can I just say that five days compassionate leave and 3 days sick is not enough. Everyone is different but I feel you would benefit from a couple of months off of work. Get signed off for a month but don't go back until you are really ready.
You've had two major life changes (shocks) in two years: a baby and the passing of your mother.

*have

You also need to see a different GP.

Tbh, dysfunctional as it was, my mum was my confidante and I was hers (it wasn't an equal relationship in that regard but when the shit had really hit the fan it's her I'd call for zero judgment support). We'd carry each other through. I think the reason she's dead is because she needed me to be duty adult at a point i was completely overloaded with my own shit - first baby, difficult baby, moving cities, buying house, trouble with partner escalating - and I just ran out of room and patience. Having my daughter made me feel differently about her, made me resentful I had to carry her and support her emotionally and financially instead of being able to lean on her and rely on her help like my other new mum friends seemed to with their mothers. I chose to focus on myself, at a time I felt I needed to but it was also a shit time for her and she needed me.

@lifeisabeach I'm really scared at he thought of going off long term sick with mental health problems. It feels like a slippery slope, like losing any kind of grip on a normal life. I also feel like if I was made redundant while off sick (redundancies are in the wind at my work and as a new recruit I'd get absolutely nothing) I'd be incredibly financially vulnerable as my relationship is rocky at he moment. I hate his guilty scrabbling from day to day and excuse to excuse but to just stop the world and get off scares the shit out of me.

Your mum taking her own life isn't your fault OP. It's a devastating thing to happen and devastating the complicated feelings that come with suicide.
My brother took his own life many years ago. Apart from my close friends at home i found it impossible to talk to anyone about it, or even to just name it, for the first few years. I went back to uni and didn't tell and friends there, or my teachers, even though it was what I thought about, all day, every day.
In hindsight, I should have got counselling, or at least confided in someone. You sound like you need someone to talk to, either professional or a friend, and either more time off work, or just be kinder to yourself, and not expect to work at full capacity for a while.

I actually think it's good to keep working if you can as well.

I'm so sorry about your brother @Charley50. Thanks for saying that about it not being my fault. The main thing I walked away from my 6 counseling sessions with actually is that it wasn't my fault, that there were a lot of factors at play and her relationship with me was just one of the things in her life - helped for a while but the longer I go on the more the guilt is coming back. I can't quite 'remember' how the counselor broke through to me, how what she said made me feel better.

I just feel so bad for how I must seem to my colleagues - they've never known me not be like this, apart from my manager they don't know why I'm like this, so it's just how they think I am

I'm in a very similar situation, just about reached the point where I know I should look into GP or therapy or something (but still avoiding... Do as I say not as I do & all that!)

I'd definitely try the self-referral service again if your work counseling was helpful, or private is an option, depending on your finances? You could even try asking if there's any chance they'll allow you a few more sessions through work, after all it's in their interests too. There are charities that offer bereavement counseling too, like Cruse I think.

Given everything you've been through I think 70% effort is pretty reasonable! If your manager knows you're still finding things tough, but that you're taking steps to help yourself, I'm sure they'll accept that for now

I don't necessarily think that after 8 months you'd feel any way back to 'normal' and maybe the fact that she died just as you started the job means you'll always relate your mum's death with this job, if you know what I mean?

It's good you're posting on here. Keep talking. And working at 70% capacity is pretty amaZing considering the other stuff you have going on as well.

I worry about that Charley. The association thing I mean. I moved to a new team recently and my new line manager is amazing, I respect her so much and she works like a dog - I so want to impress and support her and thought this would be a new beginning but I'm still stuck in the same old habit. Ever morning I swear to myself I won't do it, every day the first two hours just disappear and nothing is done

Thanks to everyone for replying. At least I know I'm not just being pathetic and hopefully those senior to me who know what's happened will still accept that I'm not just slacking. I think I'll pursue further counselling if I can... I feel like it's like antibiotics, it was starting to work but I've stopped too soon and now the virus is back.

I’m sorry, I don’t have any advice, but your post touched me and I do hope you’ll find a way through all this - maybe seeing your GP might be a start xxx

Something that helps me when I’m feeling distracted / unable to concentrate at work (usually when depression or anxiety is lurking) is to stick in my headphones and listen to a podcast or to asmr / relaxation videos on YouTube while doing my work . It seems to block out the distractions / negative thoughts. (I appreciate that your work might not be conducive to blocking everything out with headphones!)
PS I agree with PPs that your grief will still be raw & there’s no timetable or deadline for dealing with grief. Just take things one day at a time.