AIBU-wedding dress shopping

[capitanjack]

First time poster here! I’m having a dilemma and need some impartial advice please. I really apologise for how long this might be.

Best friend of over 20 years is getting married next year and I am one of four bridesmaids. Best friend and I share the same main group of friends but she also has another group, which the other three bridesmaids are part of so they are all friends together if that makes sense. I’ve met one of them a few times over the years and know of them all very well but we’ve never had much interaction.

Three weeks ago I was texting my friend asking what she was up to over the weekend (she moved to London over a year ago) and she mentioned she was going wedding dress shopping. This would be the first time she’s gone so I assumed that she would be going with her mum because she hadn’t mentioned it to me previously, otherwise I would have expected to be invited, I guess because I assumed that would be a bridesmaid thing? Though I’m not too sure as I’ve never been one for a friend before! Anyway she dodged the question, not giving a direct answer for a few texts before saying that it was actually the other three bridesmaids that were taking her. I didn’t reply to this because I was immediately really hurt that I hadn’t been included but obviously I know it’s not actually about me so left her to get on with the day and didn’t say anything. During the afternoon I was added to a group chat with the other bridesmaids for future discussions about planning a hen night, which I found a bit insulting cos it was,in my mind, a bit of a cheap gesture considering the circumstances.

Anyway, whole day goes by until she texts me later on asking if I’m alright, saying she didn’t mean for me to be upset and realised how it must have looked, that they were all actually meeting up anyway for a late secret Santa exchange but then one of the bridesmaids text her a week ago about turning it into a dress shopping day and she (my friend) was so caught up in the thesis she’s currently doing that she just said yes and didn’t give it much thought. She kept insisting that it was very last minute, they all felt awful and that it wasn’t a bridesmaid/wedding thing, she and I could go shopping next time she was home and didn’t seem to understand how I didn’t see it as a last minute thing when it was arranged over a week beforehand. We sort of left it there for a few days with me feeling really angry and her upset, until two weekends ago when she tried to call me but I didn’t answer as I was out with my son. She sent me this long text about how she’s been under lots of pressure as there are lots of people depending on her, she’s busy with work and what, in my opinion, was a lot of ‘I’m only human so I’m sorry for that’ sort of stuff which just made me feel more annoyed, and that’s why I wasn’t included.

We’ve had disagreements (though quite rarely) in the past where I’ve somehow come out as the bad guy because she manages to turn things around so it’s like she’s one who’s been wronged and I think this time I really couldn’t swallow that. I’m not even sure how she does it, I think because she’s generally a really nice person people just feel sorry for her if she’s sad maybe. So I basically said that I was fed up of always being in the wrong when I haven’t actually done anything, that I thought what she was saying was a load of excuses and that it was unfair to spring this ‘reasons’ on me when there’s been no mention of it up until now (though I realise she’s entitled to keep these things to herself) and that if the shoe was on the other foot she’d feel exactly the same as I do. The last thing she said was that we were never going to see it from each other’s point of view and that was two weeks ago. I’ve thought about messaging her but I’m still not okay with it. We’ve talked about this stuff for years and it’s hugely important to me to see her get married and be a part of her day so it upsets me even more so that this has happened because of that, but I’m just so angry and I guess I just want to know if I am actually the bad guy in this situation?

I realise this may all sound really childish and petty so apologies for that and thank you if you read the whole thing!

You sound really possessive and like you really good a grudge. You're ruining her wedding. You come out as the bad guy because based on your reaction to this you are the bad guy,she explained it and apologised that's it move on. But you didn't. I'd be kind to her and bow out of being a bridesmaid if I were you. You sound like hard work and her other 3 bridesmaids now are probably going to think 🙄 she's hard work she needs to get over herself.

*hold a grudge

Yeah, you really need to let it go. In reality they all know each other and live in the same area as your friend, so they are going to be more involved than you

It's really not about you

I think your best friend was thoughtless. I would be hurt in your situation. I would wonder how good a friend she is actually if she hadn't thought "oh, we should invite capitanjack along". The fact she was evasive means she knows exactly how you would take being left out, even inadvertantly.

I understand you're annoyed, but sometimes, as in this case, it's best to drop it. I think your friend may genuinely have messed up and remembered you weren't in on it too late in the day and and felt to awkward to ask you, so she hoped you wouldn't find out and therefore not be upset.

I think we've all screwed up like that sometimes, and sometimes been 'found out' too - I know I've had times when I've been like 'Oh God! Why didn't I phone X and tell her! I totally forgot and now she's annoyed with me and I understand why'; it sounds like your friend was apologetic and meant it.

She’s apologised profusely. What more do you want?

I don’t think you should be her bridesmaid to be honest because it doesn’t sound like you like her very much and because she’ll spend the rest of her engagement worrying that you’re going to be a bit selfish dramatic about things.

You’ve already ensured that dress shopping is tainted for her. If you can’t be confident that you won’t behave this way again, you should now bow out as gracefully as you can.

Initially there didn't seem to be a bad guy.

She was thoughtless rather than malicious. Since realising you were upset she's tried to explain and include you. This fits with your description of a generally really nice person.

Your response to this is to continue to be angry, not take her call then have a go at her about lots of historical stuff between you.

From what you've said I feel you've overreacted and YABU. If you genuinely feel it to be important that you see her marry and be part of her day you need to let it go. Because, right now, you're turning yourself into the bad guy.

When she apologised properly like it sounds like she did, and gave that reason of a late secret santa for their group, which is a plausible reason for having a meet up that turned into dress shopping, I would have accepted that and forgiven at the point and have completely moved on. I think maybe give yourself a couple days so that it doesn't feel so raw, but do try and let it go- it sounds like it wasn't out of malice

Omg a classic I'd call it passive-guilting

(like passive aggressive except with guilt). Her friends prob suggested it and she wanted to go because it would be fun but she felt guilty going without you so has managed to turn it round to make you seem like the unreasonable one and therefore you get to hold the guilt instead!

But really it's all got out of hand. Just be direct and say a) I didn't mind not going shopping but b) I was upset at you not being more open with me

Then go hang out together and talk about something other than the wedding...

You are a bit like Kirsten Wiig here, don't let people tell you its you being unreasonable but you do need to get over it if you don't want to lose a friend

Kirsten Wiig's character in Bridedmaids I mean (no idea characters name)

Just don't vomit in a shop

Im sorry OP, but I don't think you're as close a friend as you think you are. In addition you have a history of clashing over different takes on things so I'd probably bow out of the wedding unless you are great at swallowing your pride & can move past it & be happy on the day. (I couldn't, as the history of clashing says to me you are very different people & will carry on clashing).

Neither of you is categorically right or wrong here IMO.
Bridesmaids are hassle and should be chosen carefully - by picking 3 who are in a friendship group and then you I think there is some responsibility on the bride to ensure you are included. So, when it was suggested to turn secret Santa day into dress day, bride should’ve spoken up and said ‘no, let’s pick a day when capitanjack can come’.
But, managing bridesmaids is tough too. If you want to be a bridesmaid, expect your friendship to take a little strain. Be understanding. Maybe if something like this happens again just send a message saying, ‘sorry I missed it, if you find something you like, I would love to come back with you for a second viewing’.

Massive OTT reaction OP. I just don’t understand all the angst about wedding dress shopping tbh.

Either accept her apology and move on or step down from being bridesmaid.
It might be very important to you to be involved but to her the most important thing will be her and her DP getting married. It's not about you.

Thanks for your input everyone, it’s given me a lot to consider. Thanks again!

Hi OP I think most people would feel slightly miffed in your situation. But I think that's as far as it goes. She's apologised and explained - her friends organised it not her. I could understand your reaction if you were all best friends or family and they'd left you out to be nasty but they are a different group of friends - they're naturally all going to meet up and of course the wedding is going to crop up.
Sorry but your reaction seems very disproportionate. She visited a shop without you (to purchase something for herself) and you are still angry about it weeks later to the point of not accepting her apology and bringing up past arguments. Organising a wedding can be stressful and a bridesmaid is meant to help and support, not make the bride feel like she has to walk on eggshells for fear of offending you for something that wouldn't have offended most people

I know this can't be nice to hear but maybe you come out as the bad guy as you are acting like the bad guy. Maybe she does things that annoy you a bit and instead of ignoring it for the sake of your friendship, or mentioning it to her, you react like this and make it a bigger deal than it needs to be?

You've said 'it's hugely important to me to see her get married and be part of the day'...this sounds quite extreme to me. It's her day, it's not about what you want, but she has involved you - you're a bridesmaid so will be there and see her more than her own family probably but you're still angry. What if she'd wanted a family only wedding or to elope? It sounds like you'd have taken it as a personal insult

I think maybe you need to try and take a step back and do things to make you happy as it sounds like there are other issues in the background that may be making you over react?

I would contact her and apologise for over reacting and agree to leave it there

I can understand why you felt left out but presumably you're old enough to see how this situation happened and deal with those feelings. She didn't really do anything wrong yet you've had her chasing after you for weeks.

You say it's really important to you to see her get married etc etc but if you keep on as you are that won't happen, you will end up driving a wedge in your friendship and could end up uninvited.

You are totally wrong here, she explained what happened, showed genuine remorse, you were added to a group, asked you to go out with her another day, she contacted you again, it's like she can do nothing right by you. I bet she's at home raging she asked you in the first place and worried if you will be like this all the way through, I couldn't blame her if she was.

I understand why you felt left out and hurt but she has explained how it came about and gave you a genuine apology.
You are determined to keep this going?

I'm a bridesmaid for a wedding in a couple of months. the bride went dress shopping without me. I went to give a second opinion once she'd narrowed it down.

Last time I was one the bride did two trips with different people.

If they all live close by each other and you live further away to be honest it kind of makes sense they may go then she brings you in later. Most people go a few times.

I get the impression you live further away. Maybe she didn't want to put upon you to travel to her at short notice or several times for the same thing and didn't realise how upset you'd be? She's apologised. There's nothing else she can do.

If you keep holding a grudge you will just ruin the friendship.

I think you were right to be upset, she had been thoughtless, but she did apologise and explain. I think you should've given her the benefit of the doubt and let it go. If something had happened again, then perhaps you'd have been more justified in your reaction, but as it stands, to sulk for two weeks and have a row was OTT. If you're going to continue as a bridesmaid you've got to calm down a bit, and try and get to know the others and join in.

She has apologised to you quite quickly about it all with fair explanations, and she knows she upset you and doesn't want it to happen again. So yes I do think YABU for not deciding to drop it and move on - it is her wedding.

I actually just finished fully reading that and your response to her and wow YABU even more than I thought originally.

I can see how it was upsetting but I think you need to be the bigger person and apologise. She doesn’t need this in the lead up to her wedding. Just send her a nice message saying you’re sorry you let something so unimportant get to you and can you put it behind you? If funds will stretch to it a small bunch of flowers wouldn’t hurt. She needs a gesture from you.