AIBU to think he shouldn't take it out on me?

[R3ALLY]

DH has mental health issues, anxiety and panic attacks. He is having a very bad day, caused he says by problems with the house (bad repair job coming unstuck) - but I think this was coming for a while and if that wasn't the trigger, something else would have been. The problem is, he is furious with me because I didn't get the house fixed by the right people - he wants me to look after all house stuff as he says he can't cope with the stress. He's gone to bed now and although I was begging him to talk he just turned his back. He says I'm not being supportive of his MH issues and that when he's feeling like this I need to be supportive and care for him no matter what. But I feel he needs to consider my MH too, and that no matter what is wrong with him he shouldn't shout at me! Am I being unreasonable? .

One of the big side effects of depression and anxiety that no one wants to talk about is that they can make the sufferer quite selfish. In his mind he is ill and absolutely entitled to your support, in whatever form he feels he needs it, because you're his partner. Which is fine to an extent however, real life doesn't allow for this and he still needs to be respectful of you and understanding of the burden he is putting on you.

You are not a trained mental health professional, you are not emotionally distanced enough to support him. There is a reason there are support workers, social workers, doctors and helplines. Because people like your partner need professional people to support them enough that they can function.

Is he getting help? Counselling? Medication? If not, he needs to. He needs to be doing his best to take care of his mental health, and when he's hopefully feeling calmer, together you need to discuss strategies for his bad days.
For example - if he's anxious, can he die breathing exercises or go for a walk? Can you go for a walk with him? Have things in place so when the time comes, he already knows that shouting at you just isn't one of the options.

My partner is the same. he says it's because he knows I'm safe. He can yell and get it all out and know I'll still love him in the morning. When he's like that I just let him go, if I ask him to talk it's worse. Can take a few days but he comes around and I know when he's had time to process what his trigger was he will talk to me and apologies.these episodes are few and far between though so easier to cope with I guess.
Doesn't make it right but at least I understand it's not actually aimed at me it's more like a frustrated kid hitting their parents because they don't have a way to say I'm sad and need a cuddle I guess?
Maybe on a good day try and have a frank talk and set some guidelines? Such as he needs to seek help,record him talking to you that was a helpful tool as my partner didn't understand that he can sound very mean when he's upset?

No he shouldn’t take it out on you. He sounds incredibly selfish.

The house stuff - it isn’t anxiety and depression making him blame you for that not working out, it’s him being a dick. And it isn’t his MH making him tell you that to have to do everything and react in exactly the way he demands - it’s him being entitled and arrogant.