Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think in reality everyone should have a running away fund?

52 replies

Cupcakeicecream · 17/02/2019 16:51

I'm curious on what people thoughts are. I generally think its sensible that people have money put aside that only they know about at least a small amount. Of course in a marriage you will have your accounts and all the money is shared with joint saving and such but even just a little bit of money you stick aside from the money you allow yourself each month. Of course there's people who will say its stealing from the family money and they trust their partner completely you never truly know what's around the corner. I think it's best to prepare its might never be needed but you'll be comfortable with the fact that it's there if you do need it. Theres also people who would secretly say they wouldn't save secretly behind partners backs but your partner could well have secret money and they just haven't mentioned it. Call it whatever ever rainy day fund emergency fund running away fund. I just think every women should always have their own money and means of supporting themselves and it's just how I was raised to be independent and never truly be reliant on a man for money.

OP posts:
SuperSara · 17/02/2019 18:31

For me, the most important thing is to have your own income. I would never put myself in the position of being entirely dependent upon DH, financially.

I would also never agree to entirely shared finances. Joint account for bills and family expenditure is fair enough but why wouldn’t you both have your own accounts from which you transfer to the joint account?

If you make yourself too financially dependent on someone else it’s always a risk.

Chocolate1984 · 17/02/2019 18:32

I have a secret fund. I was left inheritance I never told my husband about. I couldn't buy a house but I could rent one for about 3 years.

He keeps all savings in hIs accounts do I've kept this in mine

Merename · 17/02/2019 18:36

I agree with you this is wise for many people, however I actually don’t have any separate money and I trust my husband completely. I am confident that should things break down he’d be decent about money, it’s the kind of person he is. Sounds naive and I know many a shafted women would have said the same thing but there you go...

Katterinaballerina · 17/02/2019 18:37

Obviously if you can’t afford to set aside some money then it’s not workable. If you can though it makes a huge difference. If you need to leave or if you are the one left behind, ready access to funds becomes incredibly important.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2019 18:38

I think savings is more useful, why should everyone have a running away fund, when they are in a happy non abusive relationship Hmm. Only have that if you are in an abusive situation, and need to stash money away gradually to get away.

Meretricious · 17/02/2019 18:40

I've got savings that my dh knows about. Not in any detail but a rough amount. He knows I'd have no trouble standing on my own two feet. He's got kids and an ex wife where his money goes!

Katterinaballerina · 17/02/2019 18:42

I trusted mine completely... until he announced it was over. I had the funds set aside so I could take the MN advice to get a shit hot lawyer and keep paying the bills until I started to get interim maintenance (that SHL arranged.)

TeeJay1970 · 17/02/2019 18:43

I wrong -sorry

I've just worked that if divorce happens every woman in the whole of history and has been 100% fair and honest and no man has anything to fear. That god no woman has ever said "I'll take him for every penny he's got" (except for the three women who I have heard say it - but they don't count as they don't fit into the Mumsnet view of theworld)

ADarkandStormyKnight · 17/02/2019 18:43

If you make yourself too financially dependent on someone else

Victim blaming or what!

And it could happen to anyone - an accident, a serious illness, an unexpected redundancy.

Or relentless financial abuse by a perpetrator.

Dutch1e · 17/02/2019 18:44

Ideally, yes, everyone should have some kind of untouchable fund. Not necessarily so much that it dents the family finances but enough that decisions never need to be made from financial fear.

The example given by @WickedWytch is perfect

JacquesHammer · 17/02/2019 18:45

I've just worked that if divorce happens every woman in the whole of history and has been 100% fair and honest and no man has anything to fear. That god no woman has ever said "I'll take him for every penny he's got" (except for the three women who I have heard say it - but they don't count as they don't fit into the Mumsnet view of theworld)

Please add links to posts that say that.

Thanks

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 17/02/2019 18:47

I wouldn't be comfortable concealing money from DH. That said having grown up seeing DM trapped in an unhappy marriage as a SAHM, I would never be financially reliant on any man. It is very important to me to know I am in my marriage through choice. Lucky for me I married a good'un.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 17/02/2019 18:48

My DH is not abusive and has never been in 17 years so I don't see the need for a secret fund but I do have non-secret savings in my name which would come in handy if anything happened to DH or if we did separate.

AldiProsecco · 17/02/2019 18:52

@adarkandstormynight, exactly, the effects of relentless subtle financial abuse leave you wondering if you have a right to complain, if you have a right to a runaway fund, if you have anything to spare to PUT in it. If your husband is FAIR you're less likely to need one. This is the piece that a lot of women who say ''oh I don't feel comfortable with that'' don't understand I guess.

@ontheroses, I'm not a professional woman, I don't have a career or a degree and this is precisely WHY I was most at risk, not from financial abuse but from the effects of financial abuse. Your comment is ridiculous. Picking on a perceived error or poor sentence construction as you see it!? IF that's all you've got then you know I'm right.

Guineapiglet345 · 17/02/2019 18:54

I’ve got my savings and DH has his, we know roughly what each other have got but we keep it separate, so for example if he wanted to buy a new games console that would come out of his money, because I’d get no benefit from it and vice versa if I wanted to buy a new bike. But if there’s something we want to buy jointly we each put in an equal amount, like we had to buy a new back door.

I don’t think you need to keep your savings secret, you just need to keep them separate and make clear what you will and won’t spend them on.

peachgreen · 17/02/2019 19:08

With both my long term exes I had a "running away" fund. I enjoyed being with them but I didn't trust either of them completely and couldn't really imagine ever doing so. But I don't feel the need to have one with DH. Even if something were to happen to our relationship (which I can't imagine tbh) he is a good, honest person with integrity and he would make sure his daughter was looked after. I know how he treated his ex when they split up and he was extremely respectful and generous. I have no concerns whatsoever.

peachgreen · 17/02/2019 19:08

Having said that we do both have "pocket money" accounts in our own names so if I needed to I could use that money.

TheNavigator · 17/02/2019 19:13

When women run away they are leaving husbands not children.

Not always, my mum walked out the family for another man. Not all women are saints, not all men are sinners.

I would never keep money secret from my DH & vice versa. We both have our own money, I actually earn more than him, so I'm not with him for his wallet.

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 17/02/2019 19:14

I keep £30k in a pillowcase just incase ! ( I wish !!)

starzig · 17/02/2019 20:19

If you thought you needed s running away fund then you wouldn't be with him in the first place surely.

timeforteaplease1 · 17/02/2019 20:22

or don't marry a loser.

I don’t think many people go into marriage with the thought that their husband is a loser.

If you can afford to have a stash to tide you over then I think it’s prudent

MissEleanorShellstrop · 17/02/2019 21:59

I just think every women should always have their own money and means of supporting themselves and it's just how I was raised to be independent and never truly be reliant on a man for money.
... Yes... I agree and I achieved this by having my own job and my own money. I'm actually the primary earner in our household. So, no, not every woman should have a running away fund. Most will never need one.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 17/02/2019 22:01

I left my abusive ex with a 10 week old and a 2 year old. I didn't even have enough enough for a tin of formula. I had no way of saving what little money I had access to, it was needed to feed the children.

MondeoFan · 17/02/2019 22:02

Oh yes definitely this is a very sensible idea. I used to think this all the time when me and DH used to have a row I often wished I had a few hundred squirrelled away to stay in a premier inn or something

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 17/02/2019 22:02

And it's easy to hypthetically not let yourself get in that position but reality is it happens far too bloody quickly and then you are trapped

Swipe left for the next trending thread