To want DH to discuss plans with me?

[Msmcc1212]

First time posting. No idea how to do this right but just need to vent and see what others think.

So last weekend DH (who to be fair is a fab dad and a great husband) took DS out ‘for the morning’ with the plan to be back by lunch. 2.30 text to say having so much fun staying out. All good with me. I cracked on with house chores. Sunday I said I’d like to get out for the day but because DH didn’t prioritise what we’d agreed the day before he had to do it Sun morning. Fine. A later start. Then he got stuck into other things. All helpful and good things but without discussion. 3pm he’s finally ready to leave the house. I’ve had another day at home alone doing chores.

So. Big discussion. Me - I appreciate what you do but can we please plan ahead. If I’d have known what you were going to do I’d have gone out for day. Him - not quite getting it but could kind of see my point.

Then on to today. Him and DS trip to tip planned (left over chore not done last week as mentioned above) then wash car and head out alltogether as a family after lunch. Me - chores at home this morning. This morning DH and DS spent an hour and a half getting random shit out of loft (not an agreed priority) then another hour at tip and getting car wash stuff. I stayed home did chores made lunch for their return. DH and DS finished car (almost) then saw a neighbour and they have headed off to park. It’s 3pm and I’ve not left the house. Again.

I can’t remind him of time or our plans - that’s nagging. I don’t feel I can just get in the car and head out. Seems unfair to DS. Want to have family time.

If I knew I was having a day alone I’d have planned something for myself. He likes to be spontaneous. But his spontaneity has an impact on me.

AIBU to want him to discuss plans with me? I am glad DS has had a fab time but how do I get my needs met. I don’t want to stay home alone doing chores all weekend!

Pack up and go out now... when he asks why... then explain.

I think you will have to do something yourself, like go out now. Because unless there's some consequence for your DH, he's not going to change his behaviour.

So 3 weeks on the trot he's done his thing (with or without DS) and you've got on with the chores. As you've not yet made a big enough issue about it, he'll likely do it again.

It's not nagging to remind someone of plans previously made. Nagging is telling/asking repeatedly, not just a reminder. Is it your DH who mentions nagging, by any chance?

Why can't you just say you are going out at 10 am for the day, alone (or with DC). If he wants to come with then he is welcome but you are leaving at 10 regardless.

Don't understand why you are always waiting around for him?

What do you call "chores"? Just asking because you seem to have an awful lot of them. Personally I'd announce to him what my plans were, and if he wants to join, then fine. If not, you go on your own.

If what you are missing is family time, just tell him "the plan is xyz"

YANBU, that is annoying. But I think for your own benefit you should start prioritising family time over chores. That way you can still enjoy it, and your DH can do the chores with you once you’re home again.

And if he goes our, for the love of Mike, don’t do chores. Slump on the sofa with Mumsnet, or go for a run.

He is getting out of all the work here.

You’re spending an awful lot of time doing chores. Why don’t you go down to the park and join them now?

He is hardly getting out of the work if he is actually doing jobs. Why didn't you go to the park with them?

I don't understand. If he was home why didn't you just go out? If he's not ready that's tough luck - I wouldn't be waiting around for him!

Thanks all. Yes. Lots of chores. To be fair he was doing chores a lot of the time. Just not necessarily the ones we had agreed which then had a knock on effect meaning no time for fun. We are coming towards the end of a house renovation and trying to get over the last few hurdles towards a normal house! Almost there!

I think it’s the lack of discussion about changing plans that bothers me the most. It doesn’t feel like team work. He’s a hard worker and does lots, to be fair.

But I did get to the point today where I though to hell with it - what do I want? - hence I sat and posted this to seek some reassurance and advice and you lovely people have not failed me. Thank you.

I am going to to try to be more proactive the next free weekend we have (in about five years time 🙄 😉) and make a plan and a time with them and stick to it. I’ve gotten out of the habit because I get accused of being bossy or nagging when I try and get them out of the house.

He loves spontaneity - I can’t be grumpy about that it’s a great thing - but spontaneity isn’t always possible with a DC. Since becoming a mum though, planning is my way of staying sane in the face of the competing demands of work and family life.

Thank you so much all. Feeling much more cheerful and sane now! 😃

Oh. And I didn’t go to the park because they headed off in a hurry because neighbours were on route to park already. DH and DS were outside already but I was inside so would have had to get shoes, jumper and coat etc and was in the middle of putting pictures up. Otherwise that’s what I would have done. 😀

(who to be fair is a fab dad and a great husband)

Virtually every thread on here having a moan about DHs/DPs preface the thread with the above in some form or another.

How can you describe him as a great husband when he does exactly what he wants to do, leaving you to do all the drudge chores, cooking etc? What's the point of him doing chores that aren't really necessary, apart from preventing him from doing useful chores which I bet he doesn't want to do? He is selfish. I wonder what would have happened if, instead of cooking lunch for everyone, you decided there was something far much more interesting you wanted to do?

I think it's time for you to get selfish, no chores, no cooking, take yourself out for the day, leaving him to deal with the DC, feeding them etc. Do you feel you're brave enough to do that?

Do I read different threads. The DP emptied the loft, went to the tip and washed the car all with DS then went to park with DS. Is this not looking after DC? Is this classed as exciting chores? It might not have been the planned chores but it is chores that need doing and not like he's off doing his hobby leaving OP alone.

Honestly, you are a grown woman. If you choose to stay in all day and do “chores” that is up to you.

If he is doing other things with the DS, just not in the exact order you wish it to be done, you can join in or just do your own thing.

Does he make try to dictate your day or the order in which you do things? Does he get angry if you deviate from the plans he has in his head and go into martyr mode, moping around the house doing “chores”. I doubt it.

Plans and priorities are fluid when there are kids around. He is a grown adult capable of exercising his own judgment about the order in which things are done. People react to changing circumstances.

Get out of the house if you want to. Join in with what they are doing or not.

I will never understand why people think other people should operate to their deadlines or be expected to go about their daily business with a stop clock on every small thing they do in case feelings. It is a nonsense.

I would love it if my DH got on a did chores that! If he was sat around playing on his play station all weekend (like my DH this weekend) then I could understand your annoyance. Why didn't you follow them to the park? That would have been an ideal but if family time. You being 5/10 mins late to the park while you got ready wouldn't have mattered.

Thanks for taking time to post. I feel I may have hit some nerves for some. Wasn’t meant to be controversial in any way.

I guess my frustration was that we had made plans together - which is why I didn’t just do my own thing. I am a grown woman but I also have responsibilities. I don’t mind what chores he does or doesn’t do, what order he does them in or how long he takes. - the bit that I was wondering about whether I was being unreasonable is when I structure my day around the plan made together - as equal partners - but then his love of spontaneity means he goes off plan and I’m left not sure of whether I’ve got an hour to myself or the whole day and it changing from hour to hour and feel frustrated that I could have made a different choice had I known re the change beforehand.

It’s whether I should or shouldn’t expect a brief discussion about changes as they impact me.

I could have joined them after but there is a lot of park land near us so couldn’t be arsed to go searching and I needed to calm myself down as I could tell I was getting irate and had an inkling that may be I was BU. This is an ongoing theme in an otherwise great relationship so it presses buttons.

My view is that if you make a plan with someone (anyone and any kind of plan) and then you wish to (not have to) change it then isn’t it just polite and respectful to discuss this first? Or...AIBU? May be I am.

Interesting the polarity of views though...

And no martyrdom here. Just making use of the time whilst at home alone and happy to do it. But would chose a different way to spend my day if I know in advance I have time and what time I have.

He pulls his weight. He is truly amazing in so many ways. It’s just the planning side of things that I find hard. I’m a planner (now - since parenthood and working especially) and he likes to be spontaneous. Nothing wrong with either but how do couples negotiate this helpfully and in a way that allows both? Suggestions on a postcard! 😁

“It’s whether I should or shouldn’t expect a brief discussion about changes as they impact me. ”

This is a fair point. My wife and I WhatsApp a lot when I am out and about with the kids. Often things just come together that way. Don’t really see why he couldn’t be keeping in touch and making arrangements.