AIBU about my Dad's OCD?

[Stringervest]

I need some advice about my Dad.

He is late 70s with anxiety and depression (both medicated) and fairly severe OCD, which he has only very recently acknowledged and for which he refuses to seek any help.

My Mum has always enabled and indulged some of his more disordered thinking. She infantilises him. My sister and I saw some pretty strange behaviour growing up although Mum shielded us from the worst of it and our childhood was loving and stable.

Mum has made huge sacrifices for him. It has been and remains hard to watch her put his needs before her own time after time. I feel angry towards her for the way that his irrational wishes have been allowed to dominate everything, but I believe she thought she was doing the best thing she could.

We live a long way from my parents. I do not believe that my Dad should drive any more when he comes to visit. There is nothing which is reportable to the DVLA so I can't stop him, but I have seen his driving and believe that it is no longer safe. Mum doesn't drive.

There is a direct train line to ours. The journey is quicker than the drive. The cost of tickets is not an issue. Dad refuses to get the train. He won't tell me why, so I infer from years of experience that it is an irrational reason related to his OCD. Mum will not leave him and visit alone because she knows he will worry about her and feels she couldn't leave him. She says, without venom, that he is like a baby. There are no concerns that he would self harm in her absence.

The reality is, therefore, that we will always be the ones to do the journey with our young family, or we wouldn't see them. Mum (or we, if she lets us) does all the cooking and cleaning for our visit because he won't / doesn't know how to do anything. I know that she loves visiting us.

AIBU to feel angry at my Dad for his failure to take responsibility for his mental health and for his selfishness? AIBU to feel angry at and sad for my Mum for allowing this life to happen to her?

Please be gentle. I don't know if I'm being unfair and will read all responses with an open mind.

That is very difficult OP. You have my sympathy as am in a similar situation with elderly in-laws (no OCD, just curmudgeonly behaviour). She refuses to get in the car with him, he will not do public transport. He 'can't be left home alone' (he can; he bloody loves it!)

They are too set in their ways to change. I love them dearly but bloody hell do I lose the plot when I have to spend more than a night in their company!

They're old and frail. So we suck it up and drive to them, stay, try and gee them up a bit then leave. Sometimes one of us will go and get them (he grumbles and apologises all the way - she loves it!) for them to stay with us but you can tell he can't wait to get back to his own castle and she utterly dreads it.

So I send a sympathetic hug, but not much in the way of positive support as I don't know enough about OCD. The similarities are there bit your situation does sound very exasperating!

Difficult. If he wasn't getting the train because of a physical illness, would you be as annoyed? Possibly not, which suggests you are being unreasonable. That said, if he's refusing to seek medical advice for his OCD, I have much less sympathy for him, and more for you. Can you encourage him to seek treatment?

It’s difficult to take responsibility for mental health problems when you’re in the grip of mental health problems.

Yanbu, it all sounds exhausting.

Your mother could have done with the help of Mumsnet when she was younger and you and your sister were children. You never know, she might have even left him.

It all sounds very dysfunctional and very frustrating! Yanbu to be sick and tired of it.

Thank you for the thoughtful replies.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation Gokart. I wonder whether it's too late to do anything now because Dad is too set in his ways, but when the situation was potentially more malleable I was a child and I didn't have the knowledge or standing to try and change anything!

I take your point, Purple and try to give due consideration to that. I suppose I wonder whether his mental illness means that the needs and preferences of his family have to be sidelined forever? Is there a point at which he should be expected to try and mitigate the impact on us, and Mum in particular?

He won't seek help and won't even have a discussion about it. Is this because he is in too deep with the OCD, or is it because he is a stubborn and selfish old man who doesn't care enough about the effects of his behaviour on this around him? I just don't know what to think!

I understand your feelings of anger and resentment, i have them toward my own mother and her MH issues, but i also know that its the illness i'm angry at really not her. she isn't doing it on purpose. I would recommend therapy for yourself, a parent with MH issues can have lasting effects on your own MH and that effect shouldn't be minimised. You need to protect yourself in this.

My DD has OCD. She is medicated for it, but it’s still there and dominates our lives. There is no way to get rid of it.

You’re being harsh on your dad, he is ill. If this is bad for you, it’s a hundred times worse for him.

My mum has mental health problems - panic attacks, couldn't get on an escalator, fainting in public. It's exhausting. I've no advice just sympathy.

Can you try and see your mum alone? What would happen if you booked a surprise mini break away for get without your dad? Could he cope?

OP, I’m really sorry to read your post, I too have OCD, and it’s infuriating for everyone around me. I’ve been suffering since I was about 9 years old, obviously never knew this myself. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at about 18, but was diagnosed with OCD in September.

That diagnosis in itself made me realise how disordered my thinking was, and how much it affected not only my life, but also my families, if you can get him to talk to someone from a mental health aspect, maybe they can help him realise what a problem this is.

Sadly, it really doesn’t appear men take it as seriously though. I’m currently going through CBT to help (week 6 and I’m just now realising not every one washes the tins before they open them, and no one else restricts fruit because it’s never clean of the chemicals or dirt- still coming to the realisation that certain aspects of my thinking are down to OCD)

There are 9 spaces given in our OCD group. Five showed on the first session, 4 who did not were men, but if his life and the lives of those around him are disrupted significantly, he really should try and get some help and I don’t blame you for being annoyed if he refuses.

OP you can go and drive and collect him yourself.
I have 4 young children and have to do this for my dad who now can't drive. His house is unsuitable for us to stay in so I bring him to mine for the weekend approx every second month.
It is a 3hr drive to his house. I go on Friday night, have a cup of tea and snack at a service station just before his house, collect him and then drive home. On Sunday after lunch I drive him back home pop to the service station for cup of tea and snack and drive home again.
YABU to blame him for having s mental illness or being old/frail.
Yes it's very tiring to drive but I think of lorry drivers who drive all day. It's a hassle and I loose precious time at a weekend with my kids BUT dad won't be with us forever.

The thing is with OCD is that the more you give in to it the worse it gets. By accommodating his obsessions, your Mum is actually doing the worst thing possible for his mental health. It's so hard for those around OCD sufferers because the advice is DON'T reassure them, DON'T make them feel better, DON'T change your behaviours to suit them. Treatment for OCD involves exposing yourself to the things that bring you anxiety and learning to live without performing your compulsions to soothe yourself.

I feel for you OP

My mum has been limited in what she can do, where she can go etc due to my dads anxiety and ocd tendencies.

He finally sought help 15 years ago and got medication, he has this on repeat prescription and has never been back to the gp. He had never had therapy to understand the root of the problems or wants to try to do anything to help himself. The medication is literally a tiny plaster on a gaping wound that takes enough of the edge off so he can function.

It frustrates me beyond belief. I am very much of the opinion that why should I help someone who won't help them self. Whether it's physical or mental, of a person chooses not to do what can help them to help them selves I think they are selfish.

There is OCD in my family.

I do agree with Halloumimuffin, its up to the family not to accommodate it; but as far as getting treatment for it.....? Mental health services are very patchy! Apart from anti-depressants, which don't work and cause all sorts of side effects and withdrawal problems, there has been no offer of treatment for it here in 9 years.

The trouble with OCD is that they think they are right; so why should they mitigate the problems for the family?

bibbitybobbityyhat

You sound delightful, are you always so dismissive of mental illness?

Stringervest

I think it's your mum who is the problem, she means well but it sounds like she is making the situation worse by enabling him, could she speak to his GP about it, especially as he is already medicating for depression, I know my mother did this and when the GP next saw my father he brought the subject up without mentioning my mother's appointment

It's difficulty to take responsibility for mental health problems when you grew up in an age where all MH issues were seen as a weakness. You may be able to adjust your thinking and treat sympathetically other people with MH problems, but admitting your own problems to a professional is a different matter entirely.

"bibbitybobbityyhat

You sound delightful, are you always so dismissive of mental illness?"

Is there any need for this? Of course I am not dismissive of mental illness. However, op's parents' handling of her father's mental illness has affected her her whole life! I'm just sympathising with her and her mother - since all the rest of their lives have to be adjusted to take account of her father's illnesses.

I’m so sorry to hear of your difficulty. It sounds as if everyone is suffering here.

My DS has been treated very successfully for OCD with exposure therapy. The main difference between him and your DF is probably that he engaged with the treatment however frightening it was, and believed that with support he would get better. The OCD hasn’t gone away entirely but whenever it arises, sometimes suddenly and dramatically, we have tools to work with him to regain stronger mental health. He does take antidepressants too which provide background support.

Is it too far by taxi for your parents to visit?