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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends pregnancy

27 replies

jelizabethnewby · 17/02/2019 09:48

Hi everyone!

Don't really know how to say this without sounding like a whiny little so-and-so, but I need to say it somewhere and hopefully someone will understand.

My partners best friend and his wife have a DD who's a 1 y/o, and have now just announced that they have their second BFP. Myself and my partner have been TTC for over 2 years now, and it gets very difficult to be around the pregnancy talk and to see her bump get bigger. We aren't close friends, and I don't really think I'm missed when my partner goes to see them; but AIBU? I've just gotten my 2nd BFN since being on Pre-conception tablets and I feel heartbroken - Then 2 days later she comes out with this news. I'm happy for them as a couple and I know that they're wonderful parents but at the same time I'm dealing with my own sense of loss for something I never had?

Sorry for waffling, I just feel stupid!

OP posts:
BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 17/02/2019 09:55

Yanbu Flowers

SerenDippitty · 17/02/2019 10:16

YANBU 💐 It’s normal to feel like this.

FoggyDay58 · 17/02/2019 10:26

Another YANBU and Flowers to add to the pile x

Lizzie48 · 17/02/2019 10:28

YANBU, definitely Thanks

Littletreasure2017 · 17/02/2019 10:33

Your not being unreasonable at all!! My dsis text me and said that she was expecting baby no 5 whilst I was struggling to conceive, wed been trying 2 and a half years at this point, I had to stop visiting her as I couldn't handle seeing all the baby stuff and growing bump!! Of course I was over the moon for her but I felt the same as you've described!! Totally normal to have those feelings!! I hope you'll get your bfp soon!! Xxx

deadliftgirl · 17/02/2019 10:50

Everyone who is TTC feels like this! I certainly did when I found out that my brothers girlfriend is pregnant again within a year of giving birth to their first baby and I keep getting BFNs and chemicals! It really is not pleasant but I just try to not think about them much and focus on my own journey. Its probably best you don't see her for a while and I hope your partner can understand that.

Muddysnowdrop · 17/02/2019 10:52

Can I ask, what are pre conception tablets? Is that something from your fertility clinic or do you just mean vitamins?

Original poster
jelizabethnewby · 17/02/2019 11:04

Thank you so so much everyone. It's nice to feel that I'm not losing the plot completely! Sometimes it feels as though she likes to rub it in a little bit (it sounds completely insane) But she's messaged me this morning saying that she had a dream I was pregnant and found out 2 weeks before she was due to give birth. She knows that I've just gotten another BFN and I am ridiculous for thinking that it's a bit insensitive? :(

Its just vitamins that I'm taking at the moment, it's the Pregnacare Pre-conception tablets for him/her. :)

OP posts:
BouncyTigger85 · 17/02/2019 11:11

It’s completely understandable, I had a miscarriage just over a year ago and found out a week later a friend was pregnant and due the same week I was going to be due which was hard for me at the time and since have been struggling TTC with family and other friends announcing pregnancies seemingly every time I go on Facebook.
I think your feelings are normal, I hope things work you for you soon Flowers x

Lizzie48 · 17/02/2019 11:19

I remember that when I was going through IVF, there were 2 friends who were pregnant. My IVF failed completely, as I had no eggs (hence we adopted eventually).

I met one of these friends for lunch just the day after I was told that there was minimal chance of IVF working. She spent the whole time telling me all about her morning sickness.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/02/2019 11:22

she's messaged me this morning saying that she had a dream I was pregnant and found out 2 weeks before she was due to give birth. She knows that I've just gotten another BFN and I am ridiculous for thinking that it's a bit insensitive?

Totally insensitive! It's possible she's nice and just put her foot in it, but since you suspect she rubs it in, I think this is just another aspect of that.

IWantChocolates · 17/02/2019 11:24

YANBU. It took us 2 years to get a bfp which ended in mc. So heartbreaking to see all the babies conceived and born in that time as well as babies born when I would have been due. I would always be happy for people but sometimes it took me some time in my own head and sometimes I had to fake it before I felt happy genuinely. We eventually got another bfp and are blessed to have a 2-month-old.

Look after yourself and take some time to process news. If you're not that close I'm sure it's fine that you're not going round there and if you did see her you'd be polite and happy for her. You sound like a lovely person, I hope you get your good news soon x

Teddysmum7 · 17/02/2019 11:26

YANBU. I am also in a similar situ however my family and small group of friends do not mention anything about pregnancy to me. Not because I've thrown a tantrum in the past, but because they think they have to walk on egg shells with me which to be honest I feel slightly peeved they are doin that although also grateful. Its a weird, split feeling because you want to be happy for others but don't need another slap in the face about your own situation. I can only suggest you be as pleasant as I'm sure you are, give yourself something else to concentrate on. I don't suggest this but DH and I are quite homely and don't socialise massively therefore not many people are aware of what goes on in our life and in this situation I prefer that as infertility is so hard. Good luck to u xx

Frenchhen · 17/02/2019 11:45

Yanbu.

I am really struggling with my BF's pregnancy. I would have been due a month after her, but that ended in miscarriage number 4. She doesn't know, it didn't feel right to tell her, but I have completely withdrawn from the friendship. I didn't know how else to deal with it.

suziedoozy · 17/02/2019 11:48

Completely reasonable.

We tried for 10 years for a baby, after about 8 years my sister decided she wanted one & promptly got pregnant. She had hideous issues post birth and spent about 3 years telling me her baby should have been mine.... I genuinely wanted to commit murder.... to be fair we were quite LC and became more LC.

I knew she was having a hard time & I wouldn’t wish what she went through on anyone (she now has PTSD) but it was so very very hard listening to her & hearing my parents telling me to be sympathetic.

DS kept saying how she wished she had never had the baby - understandable in the circumstances but heartbreaking for me and DH as despite everything she had a wonderful child.

Sending lots of Flowers

Original poster
jelizabethnewby · 17/02/2019 11:53

Oh thank you so much everyone. You're all wonderful ❤

I might add my O/H has a 7 y/o from a previous relationship so the fertility problems feel as though they're lying very much at my door. So when it comes to getting BFNs, even tho my O/H has never said as much, I feel like he blames me a bit for us not being able to conceive. I know he loves me, and I know they say that it all comes in good time but like many of you have said, when on Facebook seeing all these people with their new borns it's hard not to feel jealous while in the mean time still being happy for everyone!

Sending lots of luck and baby dust all of your ways ❤

OP posts:
FiveRedBricks · 17/02/2019 11:55

We tried for 12yrs. You just keep swimming and have to suck it up. If you've not been to your GP yet for investigations you need to now. You could've just wasted 2 years when you might have something wrong with your fertility.

IAmWonderWoman · 17/02/2019 12:00

Yanbu to be struggling. It’s hard. Have you not been to your GP? TTC for two years is quite a long time without taking it further and asking for advice.

HelloViroids · 17/02/2019 12:03

@jelizabethnewby just wanted to offer a handhold - I also have a DSD, been TTC for a year and was lucky enough to get BFP quite fast but then found no heartbeat at 12 wk scan Sad
Since then nothing, and at Christmas we went to visit friends (who knew about MMC) and with no warning she answered the door in a t-shirt saying “bump’s first Christmas”... I spent most of the party crying in the loos Sad I don’t think it was malicious, they are about five years younger than us and were very lucky, so I think she has no sense of how hard TTC can be!

Muddysnowdrop · 17/02/2019 12:16

I think the dream was a clumsy way to say you will have a baby in the future.
Sorry to ask about the vitamins it’s just the way you mentioned it made it sound like a fertility treatment - I hope you are getting good support and have all the assistance you need to get your bfp. I resisted doing things like charting but it really helped me to get pg (staying pg was the next issue!)

Original poster
jelizabethnewby · 17/02/2019 12:52

I've been considering going to GP. I know it's been a long time, but I'm petrified of what the result will be. I don't just mean in a "There's something wrong with me" way, I mean a "Possible mental breakdown" kind of way. I struggle a lot with my mental health and I know (for a fact) that I'm stressing myself out and lessening my chances but it's so hard not too when dealing with anxiety + depression. Sorry, getting a bit TMI here but feeling very much at a loss atm and everything feels very raw! :(

OP posts:
TwoRoundabouts · 17/02/2019 13:12

OP just because a man got another woman pregnant, especially when he was younger, doesn't mean there isn't a problem with him.

PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2019 13:15

I think the dream was a clumsy way to say you will have a baby in the future.

Not everyone does though. Those sorts of things are just horrible to receive.

Flowers op it’s really hard and as you can see, lots of people feel the same

Muddysnowdrop · 17/02/2019 13:23

Good lord you haven’t seen the GP after two years? So might be nothing amiss with either of you - are you timing conception attempts? There are lots of things that can be done - you are fearing the worst but missing the chance to make things better. I was at the GP after six months but I was in my 30s - I think if younger it’s meant to be a year. It is obviously up to you how you do it but for some (maybe I’m just a control freak) getting all the information and help available was very important. Anyway you are not being whiny, it’s understandable to feel upset.

Gligeen · 17/02/2019 13:23

God she’s an eejit for sending that text. Some people are soooo stupidly engrossed in their own worlds.
Sorry you’re dealing with this.

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