Grandparents

[Itssosunnyout]

When I visit grandparents and I've got baby to sleep mil takes baby out of my arms even when I say no she's sleeping. She'll say 'i know' then literally just take her then DD wakes up. She's 6 months old and during the day she refuses to sleep so when she's in the car home from a visit she will cry all the way home until she's sick. They live 40 mins away. I end up stopping a lot and its takes me about 1 hour and 15 mins to get home. This is why as soon as she's asleep I try to keep it that way until I can put her down. I've told mil this too.

Another thing is that mil has on numerous occasions referred to her husband (DD grandad) as daddy. She corrects herself but then does it again on the next visit.

She's pulled out all of DHs toys that mil made and gets my DD to play with them. Its cute playing with them but its every time. Every time we visit she always says 'oh this is just what DH name would do'

I've tried to say no she's sleeping but she literally takes her. Im cant exactly grip my DD.

I've spoken to my partner about it but he says 'let her relive it' and he doesn't like confrontation. He will at a push speak to them but they make him feel guilty for saying anything.

I feel like mil is really overstepping and would like advice on how to tactfully speak to her about it. I've tried speaking to her in the past but they just go NC so my DD doesn't get to see her grandparents.

I want them to have a relationship but to at least listen to me as I am mum.

With the sleeping thing just don't let her take your DD, when she goes to just stand up and walk away and say 'no, she's sleeping and I don't won't to wake her up. You can hold her when she wakes'. My mom and MIL used to do this and only by being very firm did it stop. MIL also used to stroke DDs head when I was feeding her, distracting her from a feed and then say 'oh dear, I shouldn't have done that, oh well she doesn't want her milk now'. After a few times I just got up and walked a way when she did it and she got the message.

The toys thing I don't see a problem with. It's your DHs toys and she just wants to see her grandchild play with them. And people will always compare her to her dad (and you) as a child, but it's not doing any harm.

Calling her husband 'daddy' will just be an old habit. My mom and MIL did this a lot (and called themselves mommy) they just aren't used to being nan and grandad yet. DDs 18 months now and no one slips up like that anymore as they're used to calling themselves and each other nan/grandad in front of her. So I think you just need to learn to ignore that for now. But I do get that when they do one thing that's annoying you begin to find more little things annoying as well.

Stand your ground on not letting her take your DD when she's asleep and you will feel more confident and the little things won't bother you anymore.

It does sound awkward, I feel for you.

When she goes to take DD, could you actually turn your body while you’re saying “sleeping baby, sleeping baby!” (or whatever) so she literally cannot take her?

(The toys thing and the mistaken “Daddy” wouldn’t bother me.. my grandparents called each other “Mom/Dad”, it never confused me.)

Would you consider timing the visit so DD is due to be awake.. or are her sleep times unpredictable? Or could your partner take DD on his own, giving you some downtime and leaving him to manage his DPS...

What do you mean they go NC

Thank you.

It is the sleep thing that bothers me most. I will start the standing and walking away. When DD wakes I give her 10 minutes and she is passed back to mil or fil. I go round for about 4 hours so they have a lot of hands on time.

Its awful driving home with a baby that is throwing up from crying as she is tired.

I do find it cute that she plays with the toys but the daddy thing I find odd. She calls her husband by his name and he is referred to as dad to my husband.

Have you checked her weight and car seat are still appropriate? My dd got like this in the car and we realised we needed to take a piece out to make her more comfortable.

I dont have any inserts in part from the fleece one but she has plenty of space.

Shes 6 months and just over 16 pounds.

She only throws up when shes tired and crying.

Shes ebf so I am led by her and visit once ive finished at a baby group. She always sleeps at random times but i do try to get her to sleep every 2-3 hours even if its half a house.

When we have said something to them about how we do things or ask them to do things our way they will just not speak to for a few weeks even when we message. They did it when she was born then would make passive aggressive comments about DD not knowing who they were.

I never get threads where people say "she just takes her ", how does that even happen? You say no she's sleeping, mil continues, tell her more firmly, she continues, bat her hand away and say snappily "i said no twice, she is sleeping now leave her be", if she tries again then get up and leave.

The toy the is fine really, leave that go.

The "daddy" thing just laugh and say 'that's so weird you keep doing that"

I just wouldn't take her when you know it's near a nap time. Problem solved.

If MIL mentions the lack of visits or shorter visits simply say that baby needed her nap. She'll get the message.

Likewise if she ever wakes her from a nap then you say you now need to go home early so baby can sleep in the car/at home. I wouldn't sit there for 4hrs letting the baby get more and more tired and then have to endure the journey from hell trying to get home. Fuck that for a laugh.

Bad behaviour needs repercussions, even in adulthood.

How are you holding her when MIL takes her as you say you can't grip her? Can you put her against your shoulder with both arms around her back? Then lock your arms solid without squeezing harder.

When MIL goes for her say "No, she's sleeping" and turn away. Repeat.
The toys thing I don't get what your issue is - are they broken and dirty?

I think my issue with DH toys is that it was combined with fil being called daddy. Otherwise its completely fine.

I had finished feeding and she was held in a cradle.

This time I did say no but she pulled her out of my arms. Only 15 minutes earlier if explained that she needs her sleep and cries herself sick but then when DD fell asleep she just took her.

I will use the methods suggested to ensure it doesn't happen again.

I know they are smitten and tbh who wouldn't be. DD is lucky to be loved her her family. But its just these few niggles. I've put it down to excitement but the advice given will help and ill be more assertive.

I find that a lot of grandparent and mil problems- all boil down to ownership and jealousy of some sort. Is she jealous if you mention your parents? It's all very passive aggressive. Be firm my guess is she resents you already anyway for marrying her son!

Yes, walk away and remind her that the baby will cry and throw up if not allowed to sleep and does she want that to happen- again?! She is undermining you quite deliberately. Let her go NC, the only person suffering is her.

If they go NC they go NC.

Let them be, show them that throwing their toys out of the pram like babies won't have an effect on you and any attempts at guilt tripping with "she won't know who we are" can be met with a breezy "I know, it's a shame you made this decision isn't it". Any further attempts at blaming it on you can me met with a quick and to the point explanation of "as parents we have decided we do XYZ with DD and explained that to you - you don't want to know and decided to go NC rather than support us, let us know when you change your mind and until then FTFO." (Or something like that 😁)

And YY to PP saying just don't let her take DD out of your hands.

Park round the corner and wait til dd wakes up. Sorted.

Don't go to their house.

Visit less!

If she tries to take baby while she is sleeping on your lap, put your hand up straight away and say no. Keep doing that until she finally gets the message. As for the daddy thing - that wouldn't bother me in the slightest. She's probably called FIL that since they had their first child so it's just habit. My dad called my mum 'mam' til the day she died. It was just habit from calling her that for years when we were kids, and likewise mum would have called him daddy for years, though she did switch to grandad in later years when our kids were around. That to me is not an issue at all.

It's lovely that DD is loved.
The sleeping thing must be irritating but if it's only once a week or so I would try and work round it... eg visiting when baby is awake and travelling when it is best for her. If however it is more frequent say to MIL 'DD is getting distressed and being sick if she has to travel when she is overtired. For the moment I am letting her sleep when she needs to as it is fairer to her . I'm sorry that she is asleep here while we are visiting today , it's a shame. Hopefully it will just be a phase. I am going to leave her quietly in pram/ cot/ my lap for now as I don't want to disturb her.' Or words to that effect. No need for a showdown, just quiet firmness and make it clear it is in your daughter's best interests.
I don't understand why any of the other things would be even vaguely annoying.

If someone lifted my child from my arms when I asked them not to I would be absolutely livid. You have asked her repeatedly not to do it and yet she perseveres. Is you don't nip it in the bud now it will continue and there will be plenty of other ways for her to overstep as your child grows up. Try once more to calmly speak to her and if she stops contact then let her and if she doesn't stop the behaviour then you need to decide if you want to keep seeing her and be undermined along the way.

I have been very lucky with my MIL. My best friend had such a similar issue with her MIL. It’s weird and I wonder if it is some sort of power struggle by the older female trying to assert her dominance. I can almost hear a Richard Attenborough style running commentary. My friend is quite a gentle and laidback person but ended up turning away from her MIL each time and actually lightly slapping her hands away when she kept persisting. With someone this domineering and lacking social filters, I guess you have to take drastic measures! They continue to have an uneasy truce for now.