To absolutely not know what to do.

[MiGi777]

Hi,
I was wondering if anyone knows anything about this and had any advice?
I was working part time for three years, I reduced my hours after having two babies. My boss bullied me quite badly (increased my hours to full time during the summer holidays, early mornings and nights when he knew I didn't have childcare etc) in the end I had a massive stress attack and the A and E consultant wrote to my GP and told him to sign me off work until I found a new job. It took me months, I had one offer of an interview in all that time. As I was about to have my interview mum called me, dad had been rushed to hospital with pneumonia. I did the interview. I got the job. The following day on my way to work mum called me absolutely hysterical, dad had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer wasn't going to live past 2 months (which they now increased to 6-12) I turned around and drove to the hospital. Completely forgot to tell work and lost the job. Anyway, I'm still on the sick with my other employer as Id intended to tell them after my first day (in case it went wrong). Since then I've become full time carer for my parents (mum isn't well either). I m physically and mentally exhausted at the moment and I feel totally stuck. I can't go back to work because I can't leave my parents but if I don't go back to work I won't be able to manage and might end up on universal credit which I've heard horror stories about. I just wondered if this had happened to anyone else and how it worked out?

www.turn2us.org.uk/Benefit-guides/Carer-s-Allowance/What-is-Carer-s-Allowance

Sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. I don't know too much about this but can you get registered as their carer and get some sort of pay/allowance for it?

Maybe citizen’s advice bureau can help with pointing you towards appropriate forms? I’m so sorry about the situation - you sound like you are doing a sterling job.

Do you have any siblings out who might be able to help physically/financially? It might be good to discuss stuff with them. Look after yourself. Managing 2 kids and parents is tough.

Thank you so much. I'm absolutely fine, so so so sad but really trying to stay positive. They've given mum carers allowance and put them on all sorts of benefits because he's terminal. I'm not sure how things work for me though. I am going to check out the link, thank you. I've been stressing over this for 6 weeks now and still haven't found a solution that's why I posted here. I was sort of doing ok. It was bad enough going part time, then going on the sick for the first time in my whole life, I found that really hard but with my dads diagnosis on top it's completely thrown me. Obviously I want to look after my parents, but I have a house to run and children to look after too and for the life of me I can't see how to move forward without going under. Its a bit scary.

I'm an only child. I have two older kids but they're at uni and my dad has firmly told them that his dying wish is that they crack on and get their qualifications and when they do visit him he tells them to get back to uni!! They do help a lot when they're home.

So sorry to hear your going through such a hard time
I know you said you don’t know if you will manage and universal credits are meant to be hell but have you looked online for what you would receive? You may find the amount you would get bearable which would take the pressure off having this horrible old job constantly hanging over you.
It may be hell on universal credit, but your old job put you in hospital, no job in this world is worth your health. X

God how horrific, really feel for you.

Don't let the scary stories about benefits put you off, presumably that's going to have to be your last resort as your sick pay from work will run out eventually. I'd start the process of applying now as things could take time. Good luck

My DB could only get Sick pay for so long then his employer gave him a letter which said he had to move to UC.

Hi, thank you so much everyone. You are making me feel like I DO have a reason to be feeling like this. I'm so good at giving advice but when it's me I get a bit stuck and my default setting is just to get on with it. If it was just me I'd move in with my parents just to get us all through this awful time, we are broken. We can't believe it. I jump out of my skin everytime the phone rings now because a few times it's been dad needing an ambulance or mum completely breaking down needing me to just go and hug her etc.....I had a quick look online and it looks like I'll lose my wages £120 weekly, I'll also lose my working tax credit, (not sure how much that is because the child credit and working credit is paid together so that will be a loss of either £70 weekly or £160. I'll also get £150 taken off my housing benefit. (I don't expect wages and tax credits if I don't work I'm just saying). This is the worst thing that's ever happened in our family.

I am sure I'm going to be on universal credit soon. That's what I think will happen. I'm going to take your advice guys and speak to citizens advice etc....

I even thought out of complete desperation I'd go back to my old job. But my boss came to the house and offered me a cash payment to hand in my notice and told me I wasn't going back. Hes livid that I'm on sick leave but I had 3 months without a day off and I finally cracked. It was impossible 6.30 am every morning, all through the summer holidays then when I said I couldn't do it anymore I was told I was working the nights until 9pm aswell, that's why I cracked. I'd managed to juggle the early mornings and holidays but there was no way I was going to be able to do nights aswell. (We were short staffed) I hit a brick wall where I thought he wants me working tonight and I can't physically be there. He's emailed me a couple of times asking me when I can return to work but when he actually telephones me he says I can't go back and I should accept his cash offer. He denied saying it so I got my daughter to record the phone call the last time not that it helps because you're not allowed to record people but at least I know he did say it as I have it to listen to.
He's taken my keys off me and given someone else my job so I don't know what he would actually do if I did say I was going back and I'd be really scared to try that to be honest. Also working there for three years was what put me on the sick in the first place and I don't feel I could even cope with him at the moment. I am all over the place.

This sounds horrific definitely contact CAB

I'm going to be the pragmatic one who will sound horrible.

What's happened is awful, but a family member's illness is not a license to stay off work. You will eventually be dismissed due to ling term sick leave, so you either need to work out if you can live off universal credit or you need to restart the job hunt. Your mum is your dad's carer, so unless your mum needs a carer them you won't get carer's allowance. Your mum may need support and she will get upset, as will you, but you'll need to do what every one rose does which is to fit your visits in around your working day.

It's horrible, and it won't stop being horrible, but it will be a lot worse when you don't have enough money to live on. So it's time to start looking for a job.

He’s a nasty bully and trying to cover his tracks with his emails. What a shame you didn’t record him coming to your home. I would speak to CAB and tell them everything, see what they advise. Look at your incomings and outgoings today and see if you could cope with UC. There will always be ways to cut back here and there, anything to ensure you no longer have to deal with that idiot, he won’t be helping your mental health either.
X

Sorry you’re going through this.

I know absolutely nothing about UTC but employment wise I do.

Just be mindful that your employer will only allow this sickness to continue for a certain period and then they may dismiss you on the grounds of capability. They need medical information to do that (eg GP report or Occ Health report) so don’t be bullied by them to come back to work or to resign under duress; and actually by being “dismissed” may help you a little with the benefit side. Plus you’d get notice pay and accrued holiday pay (whilst waiting for this to happen you could submit a request for your statutory holiday to be paid to you (legal entitlement) so that might help you out financially.

The other side to this is if work is one of the main causes of the stress, would you consider just resigning? Take the accrued holiday and leave. Sometimes these things never make sense to do, but the feeling of control of that particular aspect in you life might be what you need to do. You may feel a big weight off your shoulders.

This then leads to your plan for the next 6 months. What in your heart of hearts do you want to be able to do? If money and circumstances were no object? If you feel moving in with your parents to help will help, then do it. Don’t delay that decision. If it’s terminal, the time is precious.

I never really understood a friend who upped and moved to the other side of the country to care for her dad - left her husband for 5 months to deal with the house etc but ultimately she knew it was always temporary and her husband would be there forever and she said to me she had to do it - “he’s my dad” was all that I needed to hear to know she was ok and needed to do it. It was tough on the family situation, of course it was, but she hasn’t regretted the decision she made and I know she mentally and physically supported her dad during his last months.

Finall, for your own mental health and well being, what are you doing? I use the analogy that you shouldn’t “fit someone’s else’s mask before fitting your own” (from the aeroplane safety talk) and this is one of those times your needs are also important - you are no good to anyone if you’re not well yourself. If you can ensure good diet, some exercise (stretching/yoga in a morning) & mindfulness techniques (there are great apps out there) - you’ll be a better position to care for your dad (and mum) during this difficult time.

Wishing you all the best.

The work bully can be dealt with but it’s how you want to play it.

Has he got a manager? Do you trust them?

There should be a grievance policy in the organisation- request one, but from your boss’s boss. You then need to consider if you want to fight the fight on this horrible person or let it go (as per my other post) and leave without a fuss.

Assuming you are legitimately signed off sick and all sicknotes are submitted, you have a very strong case to go constructive dismissal, due towork related stress which would be covered by the Health and Safety at Work Act. (See here HSE website and here Acas website ) However, this is another ‘battle’ that you’d have to fight and depending on your feelings of unjust, sometimes these things are worth logging with the big bosses as information and walking away.

Yes I agree with TheInvestigator if your mum is receiving carer’s allowance she should be caring for your Dad allowing you to get back to work.

I lost both my sister and my mum to cancer so I know what you’re going through as a family and it’s awful but, in the kindest possible way, your mum breaking down and expecting you to go round to give her a hug is unfair. Of course you can support your mum but, in your position, you can only do so much and it’s unfair for you to be left in dire straights financially. It sounds like you are being expected to be everyone’s support but there are limits to what you can do.

You are all clearly struggling to come to terms with the diagnosis but you also need to be pragmatic. I have a friend who nursed her dying widowed mother through liver cancer but continued to work full time as she had no choice. She was able to get help with carers coming in to wash, dress and feed her mum. We were also able to get the same help for my mum - is this a possibility for your Dad if your mum isn’t coping and needs more support?

I've been through the grievance process at work but the person dealing with it is the bosses brother so it was a waste of time. Plus he covers himself by actually saying one thing to me but emailing me something completely different. And he will put in his emails things I haven't said or agreed to. I just can't deal with him at the moment but I know I'll have to do something soon. My mum is unwell and dad was her carer, now I'm looking after them both. I'm totally gutted, not just because they're Ill but because like a few people have said here, it's no excuse to give up work and that's not what I ever planned. It's just come as a shock and it's what's happened. I'd signed up to do a degree with the OU starting later this year as I'd thought being part time Id do that which would enable me to get a better full time job now that my girls are getting older. (I didn't do it when I first went part time three years ago because I had my own health problems with blood clots etc, but I'm over that now, finally!) I'm supposed to be taking it easy with my own blood condition but I've always worked and finding excuses not to is not me at all. I'm just trying to work out what I can physically do and how. Thank you for all the advice! I'm going to read through it properly when I get home.

Are you in a union? If not please make sure that when you are back in work the very first thing you do is sign up to one. You can get free membership for a year. With the toxic nature of our schools at the moment it is essential to have that "lifebelt" to hand! I am not a "natural " Union person but the bizarre activities of some school employers does mean some checks & balances are needed.

If you are in a Union start making use of your membership!

Good luck with it all - best wishes