Daughter wants to date boy who’s ‘no longer in mainstream’

[tedtalkstome]

My 16 year old daughter, who’s generally sensible and pretty savvy, has recently struck up a ‘friendship’ with a boy who’s been permanently excluded and is at an alternative school provision.
I generally am trusting and respectful of her choices but today... I’ve gone batshit crazy. Please, support me or tell me I’m BU??
I’ve taken to wine.

If you argue with her it will push her closer to him

Nothing is more attractive than a bad boy your mother hates.

Tell her you overreacted and that if she likes him, there must be more to him that what you initially thought. Would he like to come over for tea on X Day.

You'll get to meet him, she'll lose the whole ha ha Mum haha you stuff and you will get a better read of the situation.

Hard to say without knowing what he was excluded for, and how that could impact your daughter.

I know a few kids I’m that situation. Though I still wouldn’t wish it for my son! They are not (necessarily) bad kids. They clearly don’t fit into the standard school parameters, but that doesn’t make them a bad friend & they have paid a price for any mistakes. I’d say yes, have him round & make your own judgement of him, not his educational setting & keep an open mind!

every girl fantasises about the "bad boy" she can "tame"....

Oh crikey! ‘Bad boy she can tame’ scares me so much!
I know the responses here because...this was me! I’m a fixer...was a fixer! Happily divorced fixer!
I need to embrace the bad boy (not literally, I work in Safeguarding). Know your enemies!
My God, I have three kids and 16 years of practice as a parent, plus I teach secondary and am a supposed safeguarding lead!
Oh it’s always different when it’s on your doorstep! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Yep, totally agree with SleepingStandingUp, you need to get them both in your house as much as possible.

I’ve worked with young people who have struggled in mainstream education. Some of them are wrong-uns, it’s true. Some of them have just had shitty childhoods or undiagnosed specific educational needs and made some poor decisions.

Ok, I’m sleeping (wine induced) on this. I know you’re right. I know what is the right thing to do. I feel so angry with myself for feeling this way but it’s closer to my core than anything I’ve ever experienced as a parent.
I will invite him round (via daughter) for tea.
I wish I were a better person who practices what she preaches!!

You are BU. You will push them closer together if you react to emotionally... just say 'thats nice dear' and keep as neutral as possible.
My parents hated my bf at 16 because he lived on the estate and had dropped out of school. They said to me I was not to see him whilst I was under their roof. So I moved in with him and moved halfway across the country. We were together 6 years. I had no contact with my parents during most of this time. I considered it morally right to stand by the man I loved at all costs... because I was a dramatic teen! I dearly wish my parents had not reacted as they did... i felt i had to choose between them. And it made the whole situation more intense and bound us together more. I stayed with him such a long time because he was all I had due to my parents anger. I wasted 6 years of my life on that relationship when I should have stayed at home and gone to college.
I dont look back and think my parents were right... I look back and think they were ridiculous for getting so angry about it that they pushed me away straight into his arms.

I know you are scared and have her best interests at heart, but going batshit crazy is not going to solve the problem. You dont have to be positive about it but you do have to respect her choices because shes not actually done anything wrong. The key is to keep her trust and keep the lines of communication open between you... so that shes not faced with what appears to be hostility from you and love from this boy... because a teen will not have the emotional maturity to see the bigger picture and so guess what they are going to choose!?

Ensure she has an implant and understands safe sex then pay for a weeks holiday for the two of them ... worked for us!

OP although I don’t think you’re BU, I think you should let the lad have a chance. Like others have said there might be many factors on why he couldn’t cope in mainstream education. Can I ask if DD is at the same school that you teach in? And was at the same school that this lad expelled from? As then you may know the guy.

@mazv1953

That is one bonkers scheme, but I love it! Not sure I’d ever be able to hold my nerve enough to do it, but it has crazy logic to it.

It could go pretty badly wrong, but most likely she’d be back home single within a week...

I like your ‘kill or cure’ mentality. Stops a lot of drawn-out handwringing at least!

No don't tell her no. Nothing more attractive than a bad boy your mum is horrified at.
Focus on building her self esteem. That is at the root of wanting to fix someone else.