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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset friend blew me off for someone else?

22 replies

Greywalls12 · 16/02/2019 22:39

Been best friends with A for 10+ years, used to see each other at least weekly for the most of those years, but haven't seen each other in at least 4 months now, and before that we saw each other probably monthly due to new jobs and shift patterns and both of us just generally being busy.

So we were meant to be seeing each other tonight and was going to have a take away (her idea), nothing fancy as I'm heavily pregnant and struggling to get around etc. This was arranged a week ago, i text her to confirm a couple of days ago but she never got back to me and i assumed she's busy and didn't chase it up any further because i know how hectic life can be. But now I've just seen on social media that she's having a girls night with some other friends of hers instead!

AIBU to be really upset she's basically blown me off for other people, when it was her idea in the first place?

Come to think of it, all of the plans we've made in the last few months have fallen through because of her, or she's just not got back to me about anything.

She does have a new boy friend and now loads of work friends and I totally get that life is busy but now it's starting to feel like the end of our friendship and we've just grown apart? We're in very different places in life, e.g. me being pregnant with my first baby and settling down etc, whereas she has an older child and is out most weekends drinking etc, so I get that I'm probably not fun to hang around with anymore!

She does ask me about the pregnancy occassionally but I'm never one to go on about and talk about baby stuff etc (getting pretty sick of being pregnant myself).

I don't really know what the point of this thread is, i don't know if I'm over reacting because of pregnancy hormones or what. But now it's making me think about whether I should even bother in the future about seeing her or checking in when she's just been cancelling anyway? And my life is going to change pretty dramatically very soon and I think we're just going to drift further apart.

I thought about texting her and saying something about it, but I'm not sure there's any point.

Any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:

Original poster

Greywalls12 · 16/02/2019 22:40

Sorry that's a lot longer than I thought it would be!

OP posts:

TortoiseLettuce · 16/02/2019 22:40

A friend did this to me once. I never went out with her ever again.

Original poster

Greywalls12 · 16/02/2019 22:44

@TortoiseLettuce I hope this isn't going to be the case! :(

OP posts:

Mumbunsandhuns · 16/02/2019 22:44

I don’t really have any advice sorry but I’ve been there and it’s crap. Kicks you while you are down.

I wouldn’t take it personally (hard not to) and focus on other friends who have time for you. I actually made some really good friends through pregnancy classes - aqua natal etc and they kind of get it too.

Mumbunsandhuns · 16/02/2019 22:46

If she was a good friend then I probably would text her and say something like I understand things are changing but I’m feeling really isolated, could use a friend and thought we had plans tonight?

Bambamber · 16/02/2019 22:47

Talk to her and tell her how it has made you feel. Could it be that you are at different stages in your lives and are just naturally drifting apart? That doesn't excuse her blowing you off for other people, it just may be a sign that your friendship is losing momentum

Original poster

Greywalls12 · 16/02/2019 22:47

@Mumsbunsandhuns i don't really have a lot of other friends that I see outside of work, and now I'm on sick leave until the baby's here, so it's been pretty lonely tbh.
I'm starting antenatal classes soon though so i hope I do meet some new friends there! And I'll definitely be going to classes once he's here to meet other new mums!

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/02/2019 22:50

Yanbu to be upset. If she doesn't want to see you she can either admit it, or just say she is busy or whatever but making plans then letting you down more than once is just rude to be honest. Even if she had a more exciting offer she could explain a load of friends were going out and would you be OK to change the date. Finding out through social media is just hurtful.

It sounds like you are at different stages in your life. Some people drift apart, personally I think if you're good enough friends in the first place you'd still get through it recognising that this stage in each others life wouldn't last forever. I'm friends with my friends as they're nice people and make me laugh or whatever not because of if they're single or not or have kids or are child free.

You can't force a friendship though and while it's sad I would take a step back as I don't think confronting her will actually achieve anything. Ans even if it did you would wonder if she was seeing you because she wanted you or because you made her feel like you should. It's shit to dump you when you're pregnant though, I know some people love it but for others it isn't much fun and they need their friends around them and if she hasnt picked up on this she wasn't a great friend

Bubba1234 · 16/02/2019 22:54

She just pleased herself.
Probably liked the idea of meeting you but the night out came about then she went out instead.
Pretty shitty but it’s normal human behavior these days it sucks

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 16/02/2019 22:55

The sad reality is that most friendships between people exist for convenience... when you cease to fulfill a certain function friendships often fizzle.

Not always ... but mostly.

Teddysmum7 · 17/02/2019 00:28

I think everyone's had this in their lives.. In my early 20s I took great offence and never spoke to the person again whereas now, if friends do it I don't take it so personal. Of course it feels like ur bein used but I think, well.. One day I might want to use them for their company so I won't cut them off, I'll just suit myself and act like they do... If it's convenient for me then good other than that I'm not putting myself out for anyone. Also u have ur first baby on the way, this so called friend will be the last thing on ur mind soon enough

Skittlesandbeer · 17/02/2019 00:35

Don’t worry, you’ll be blowing her off for the next 10 years. She’s just getting in while she can.

Remember this post when you send her a cancellation-text-lie 8 months from now because the idea of putting on real clothes and arranging childcare is just too much!

missnevermind · 17/02/2019 00:43

Are you supposed to be meeting her somewhere?
Or is she Supposed to be coming to you?
She didn’t reply to your reminder text to let you know that her plans had changed so as far as you are concerned tonight was still going ahead.
She has left a heavily pregnant friend in an awkward position if you were supposed to be meeting out.

I would really guilt trip her over it. I would text her and say you had waited for hours and you were really worried that she hadn’t turned up was everything okay 😁😇 but I can be a bit of a bitch when I’ve been upset.

missnevermind · 17/02/2019 00:44

I’m sorry but I’m really upset on your behalf. Did she not even text to let you know that tonight had been cancelled

Davespecifico · 17/02/2019 00:54

Sounds like she’s not into you any more. Just leave it. Do you have any more reliable friends?

Putitdownnow · 17/02/2019 01:12

Once your lovely baby arrives you won't even remember this or be bothered. You'll just be pleased to sleep, eat, or have a shower.

Be generous and let it pass. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. Just feels right now that it does.

Congratulations on your pending birth

KM99 · 17/02/2019 07:32

I heartily disagree with pp saying let it go, you'll be focused on other things etc. She's been a good friend for years and from your post it appears she's got into that habit of doing stuff like this over the past 4 months.

I'd call her out on it. Tell her that to go silent when you had plans and then do something else is a shitty thing to do to a friend. Doesn't matter if you are pregnant or not, friends don't treat each other like this.

Original poster

Greywalls12 · 17/02/2019 07:57

@KM99 i just don't think it will achieve anything, but we've been friends for so long and if i had upset her, I'd like to know!
But then again she knows what a shit time I've been having recently and she's still not made the effort to see me. Me and DH moved into our new house a couple of months ago aswell and she's not even been round to see it! Whereas before she would have been the first person!

OP posts:

KM99 · 17/02/2019 08:48

Greywalls12 I'm sorry she's behaving so badly towards you. I get what you mean that it might not achieve anything. Possibly your best course of action is to stop making any effort on your end. It's upsetting, but it's not worth your energy or worry

JonSlow · 17/02/2019 10:14

Call her out on it. You haven’t got anything to lose, she’s already a shit person, and you are better off without her in your life.

magoria · 17/02/2019 10:19

She didn't even have the decency to respond to your text to say she had a better offer.

She is no friend of yours.

You were useful while she had younger kids and couldn't get out as much. Now her DC is older and she can have fun you are no longer required.

ChasedByBees · 19/02/2019 00:47

Did you contact her OP? I’ve had this before and it hurts.

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