To not be chasing up ex to make him spend time with his children

[sizzledrizz]

I split up with ex 4.5 years ago, due to emotional, sexual, and psychological abuse.
It's a long story, but at first he refused to see the dc unless at my house, then only if using my car, I stopped all of this. And now only if I ask on behalf of the children. Contact is always difficult because he uses it as an opportunity to shout at me, etc.
Last week he saw them by picking up from school and then dropping at home (my house), so around half an hour at a time. I think he likes to be seen as though he is a good father to his children.
Yesterday, I found a tracking device under the front bumper of my car, so he is still tracking me.
It's making me stressed and anxious. Quite frankly I'm exhausted.
If I don't beg him to see his dc, they get depressed, but not only is this so draining for me, when he sees them he uses it as a way in to harass me.
AIBU to think it's time I stopped chasing?

First off, we'll done for leaving.

Is he on the birth certificate? If not then I wouldn't chase him for contact. If he is then I'd still not chase but I might send one text every now and again to say its been x weeks since the kids had contact, let me know if you have a date in mind to see them. Purely to show willing if he tries to say you are withholding contact.

What age are the DC? If they are still quite young then I would change the subject if they ask why they haven't seen him. A bit older then I would probably say he hasn't arranged a date yet and just leave it at that.

What did the police say about the tracking device?

I’d be very concerned about the tracking device, that’s so far from normal I’d want another adult there when ever he came over. If your children are feeling depressed are they seeing anyone they can discuss their feelings with because it doesn’t sound like he’s going to be the father they need.

I wouldn't chase. It is up to him to build a relationship with his children. Do they say why they feel sad? It must be confusing for them, being hurt by him over & over again.

And I would 100% report the tracking device to the police, and keep a record of all instances of abuse - shouting, aggressive behaviour, everything.

If your ex is verbalise abusing you in front of the kids it won’t be doing them any good.

It’s up to him to sort contact and it’s your job to make the children available.

Have you phoned up the non-emergency number for advice re the tracker? Presumably the police are aware of his shitty behaviour?

I can’t imagine how awful this is for you, OP, but you need to stop begging him to see his children. Long term, they may be better off without him.

Your job is to support your dc not to run round after your ex
Facilitate contact set times for contact but don't allow any time for abuse.
Don't chase him.
Handover at doorstep. Quick bye. Or have someone else open door.

Get in contact with the police. Stalking is a serious offence.

It nay be more suitable to go to contact arrangements via the courts particularly for your own safety.

He is using the children to get to you.

If arranged through courts you can ask for it to be supervised or arrange pick up/drop off points etc. He needn't contact you.

I would also consider a restraining order for your safety.

Stalking can escalate to violence.