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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is getting on my nerves. AIBU?

23 replies

amrscot · 16/02/2019 19:54

Really starting to get annoyed with my DP.

There's a mixture of things, but here are some of them:

  • Doesn't help pay towards the food shops. Let's the cupboard and fridge run bare until I stock them up again. Thinks because he pays more in bills at the beginning of the month (I earn a lot less) that I should pay for all the food.
  • Cannot make his wage last more than 2 weeks, 3 at best.
  • Gambles a considerable amount, gets defensive when me or any or his family try to intervene and get him to admit he has a problem.
  • Shouts loudly when playing his games console downstairs when I'm trying to sleep.
  • Expects me to make tea every night. Like tonight, he will snack from the cupboard and wait for me to ask what we will be eating.

I just don't understand why he's like this and I get so frustrated when I even begin to talk about it.

We are expecting DS1 in just over 2 months and feel he is not going to be prepared for the huge responsibility that is inevitable.

AIBU? There are so many more things I could list. He never used to be like this.

OP posts:
erja · 16/02/2019 19:56

YANBU about any of the things you've listed. He sounds completely irresponsible and immature.

Is he completely unreasonable when you try and communicate this?

Original poster
amrscot · 16/02/2019 19:59

@erja yes. We tried to talk the other night and it ended with me in tears.

It's like he shuts off when anyone tries to speak to him. He hasn't apologised for making me feel very upset and does act as though I'm being unreasonable for being annoyed about any of the above things.

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/02/2019 20:00

Stop making his bloody tea.
The gambling is a massive issue. The fucker will leave you and child penniless.

Will he be shouting when baby is sleeping too?

Original poster
amrscot · 16/02/2019 20:02

@Whatsnewpussyhat exactly what I said, I'd be very annoyed if DS was trying to sleep.

I'm making my dinner now, he can make his own.

OP posts:
erja · 16/02/2019 20:02

@amrscot I'd re-evaluate the relationship, you don't want to be miserable or frustrated for the first few months of your first baby's life (I'm talking from experience). I had similar frustrations with my DP when I was expecting DS1. He had a lot of growing up and accepting responsibility to do and he was also not great at communication/accepting criticism, but we were young and he massively stepped up and is an amazing father. Not everyone steps up though/changes/matures.
It must be so frustrating for you when you're so pregnant Thanks

wigglypiggly · 16/02/2019 20:03

How can he look after you and a baby if he cant even look after himself, how old is he, did his mummy run round after him. He needs a good talking to, needs to buck up his ideas and start getting ready to be a responsible dad. Are you married to him. Can you ask him why he doesn't seem to want to help and support you, I'd be tempted to go away for a few days to think about what you want for you and babies future.

Sexnotgender · 16/02/2019 20:03

How old is he? He sounds incredibly immature.

Original poster
amrscot · 16/02/2019 20:08

To be honest we are young. We are 21, nearing 22 but I have grown up massively since finding out I'm pregnant with DS1, what choice did I really have?

I'm honestly trying my best to make sure we have a good life and he is still acting like a child.

It's very difficult because we have been together for 4 years, I love him dearly and we have been through a lot together.

It would be very difficult also to walk away, we rent a house together etc.

I agree with everyone saying he needs to be more responsible, but I feel I cannot make him change.

It's very strange as his mum didn't do everything for him compared to his other siblings, he was very independent at home.

Perhaps I have done too much for him out of niceness and now he's expecting it all the time Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
amrscot · 16/02/2019 20:09

I've spoken to his mother and she has been extremely supportive, for which I am so grateful. She knows that it's unfair and said she will try to speak to him when they are next alone together

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 16/02/2019 20:12

No, you can't make him change. You can leave to protect you and your baby from living with a gambling addict and with someone that you can't solve problems with because they don't have conversations like an adult. To me that's the worst but the gambling is really really bad too, especially as he is running out every month.

Original poster
amrscot · 16/02/2019 20:16

@cordeliavorkosigan what is difficult is that I don't know the extent of how bad it is - I just know he's doing it.

I've thought about reaching out to the gambling sites he uses and asking them to exclude him as he clearly has a problem but I know he'd find a way just to keep doing it

OP posts:
Original poster
amrscot · 16/02/2019 20:17

And what's more frustrating is that his brother also had a very serious gambling problem that caused so much devastation and he's still followed suit and done the same.

OP posts:
FiveRedBricks · 16/02/2019 20:31

You're 21. Run for the fucking hills. Now.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2019 20:49

If I were you, I would start getting my ducks in a row and very aggressively save as much money as possible. Don't hold your breath waiting for him to change. How long are you willing to put up with this bullshit?

ThreeAnkleBiters · 16/02/2019 20:52

Bloody hell. If you want a future with this man (and this would be a big question mark for me) you need to get yourself some financial security. If you're taking maternity leave to care for a child that's half his. He needs to be contributing. I would insist on shared finances. I would also think about the long term. He sounds very selfish and I wouldn't trust him to have your best interests at heart.

Arnoldthecat · 16/02/2019 20:53

YANBU,,things can only get worse.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 16/02/2019 20:53

Like PP said get a savings account in just your name and start putting something away in it every week without fail. Plan for how you will support yourself in a breakup.

Original poster
amrscot · 16/02/2019 21:07

That's a good idea to open my own savings account.

Some money that he doesn't know I have so he can ask me to fund his addiction when he runs out of money (which is all the time).

I wish he'd just admit he has a problem, that would be such a relief.

OP posts:
Original poster
amrscot · 16/02/2019 21:07

Can't ask me*

OP posts:
33goingon64 · 16/02/2019 21:49

If this is a recent change or getting worse he could be massively scared about becoming a Dad so young. Not an excuse but an explanation. If he's always been like this I would leave him. You're going to have a small person depending on you for everything in 2 months. If he is going to add to the strain rather than be a co-parent your life will be easier without him.

Thehop · 16/02/2019 21:53

I’d honestly leave, or throw him out.

cestlavielife · 16/02/2019 22:00

Leave
You will have a real baby soon to look after
this man is not your child.
You cannot act on his behalf as he is an adult. He has to want to get help.
Move out.

Teddysmum7 · 17/02/2019 00:39

If there wasn't a baby involved I'd say get rid... If you weren't pregnant would u still be with him? If no.. I know its not that simple to leave but Stayin together for a baby isn't goin to work

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