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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS and his bio dad making him feel bad about new baby

20 replies

poopascoopa · 16/02/2019 19:41

DS has a shitter of a bio dad. Doesn't bother visiting him a lot but likes to tell everyone I keep him away from his son.

I'm pregnant with new partner of 6 years who has helped raise DS since he was 1. Wonderful Step-dad, took a long time to make the decision together but now was the right time and I wanted DS to have a sibling.

Today DS saw his bio dad for the first time since christmas. DS has been excited to share his news of new sibling. He said that he wants to be the one to share the news. I just thought his dad would be more of an "oh okay" reaction... I didn't think he'd actually say anything nasty to him about it.

I got a phonecall at 2pm saying DS was falling asleep. What did I do, keep him up all night? DS had an hour later bedtime last night but he also had an hour lie in this morning so that shouldn't be an issue. I know he's had breakfast so I ask if he's had lunch... apparently he had some marshmallow cone from a bakery at 11am ish. I say feed him so he wakes up. Half an hour later I ring again, he's still falling asleep and still hasn't fed him. Tell him to get him some orange juice and some bloody lunch already!
I get a phone call at 4pm (he's meant to be with his dad until about 6pm) saying he wants to go to bed. We come home (cutting our day searching for birthday presents for DS short) and DS is half asleep. I take him inside and he's trying to talk whilst not crying. After some conversation and me trying to cheer DS up he tells me his dad didn't react well to the baby news and made him feel scared about the baby coming. He won't get up to eat and has only eaten breakfast, a marshmallow thing and some orange juice. I've given him calpol and water for his headache but I'm furious. I can't convince him to eat anything and he's really upset.

I don't know whether to say anything to his dad about this. It will cause an argument but I feel like if I don't stand up for my son then his dad will carry on like this... not that it's stopped him before. I at least want him to know that I know what he has done and I think he's bloody dreadful for being so nasty to his own child. DP thinks we should let him sleep and start again tomorrow and make tomorrow nice and special. I'm lost at how to repair this though. I think exdp owes his son an apology so DS can see what he did was wrong.

OP posts:

GummyGoddess · 16/02/2019 19:47

How did he make him feel scared? Did he tell him that you wouldn't want him? You need to know what was said to be able to clear up whatever lies your poor DS has had put in his head.

Telling your ex won't make a difference, he could use it against his son or be thrilled that he's managed to get to you.

Quartz2208 · 16/02/2019 19:51

OP are you sure he isn’t ill?

Brakebackcyclebot · 16/02/2019 19:51

You need to find out what your ex actually said and what DS feels & is afraid of. And then reassure him. That is WAY more important than trying to get your ex to behave differently.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 16/02/2019 19:53

It’s a bit co fusing op without knowing exactly how he made him scared.
Tbf your husband is bang on, either way he needs to sleep now. You can’t ration with a tired kid.

erja · 16/02/2019 19:53

I'd say let him sleep and then talk to him about what was actually said - and then react appropriately from there!

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 16/02/2019 19:53

Confusing

Lovewineandchocs · 16/02/2019 19:53

I don’t think I’d raise it with your ex tbh. As he’s enough of a shit to say those things in the first place, he’d probably be delighted he’s got to you and will keep deliberately stirring things with your DS. I agree with gummy if you know exactly what was said, you’ll be able to give your DS lots of reassurance and can make sure you include him as much as possible in any preparations for the new baby. If your ex brings up the baby again to him, tell him to ignore what he’s saying as it’s rubbish, and that he can talk to you about any worries he has put in his head. What a horrible man!

GreenThing · 16/02/2019 19:56

I'd put a lot of it down to your son being unwell.

6/7 year old children aren't generally sleepy in that way.

He'll probably be easier to talk to when he's better.

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 16/02/2019 20:02

Was he really sleeping or was he pretending to get time away from his bio dad? Either way, wait till tomorrow and be gentle and patient and find out what happened

mummmy2017 · 16/02/2019 20:03

What a shit dad.
Hope your son can see that his dad is jealous and nasty...

fruitbrewhaha · 16/02/2019 20:15

It does sound like he is unwell. Do you know what exdp said exactly ? I think you need to wait until tomorrow to find out what he really said.

kateandme · 17/02/2019 04:28

you need to know exactly what he was told.this could be something that has made him so nervous he cant eat or function and feel unwell.
could he have said something like ur son wouldn't be wanted.they were getting their own child now?
because as much as tomorrow is a new day is all good in the theory if this is something that's hrut him it will linger,fester,grow and mutate in a young boys mind so you need to know what and how he was scared from what his dad said.

steff13 · 17/02/2019 04:56

Maybe he's feeling weepy because he's sick.

RebootYourEngine · 17/02/2019 05:05

Was he genuinely sleeping? If so my first thought would be that he is unwell. Wait until he has had a proper sleep and then speak to him about what his dad said.

blackcat86 · 17/02/2019 05:15

Do you know if he had anything else to drink except an orange juice? Headache and tiredness could be illness or it could be dehydration. Either way if his bio dad is feeding him junk at 11am but not even bothering to feed him to the point DS is unwell then we need to seriously revisit that contact arrangement.

As others have said, talk to DS once he's better and find out what was said. Offer lots of reassurance and include him in baby stuff. We took DSS to a private 4D scan at 27 weeks so he could see the baby and that really helped to include him. He even chose a bear to put the sound of the baby's heartbeat in.

Broken11Girl · 17/02/2019 05:16

Agree with others, he's probably coincidentally unwell, so overreacted to whatever his bio dad said. Which isn't condoning whatever he said.
I still get very tearful and oversensitive when ill. My similar aged niece recently got hysterical that her mum, my sister was paying attention to her cousin and didn't love her, then went to sleep at 1pm, yup, ill.

justilou1 · 17/02/2019 05:21

What an absolute dick that guy is.... how hard can it be to feed a child? You gave him express instructions - twice!!! Diaries this. It’s neglect.

justilou1 · 17/02/2019 05:21

*DIARISE - stupid fat thumbs

givemesteel · 17/02/2019 06:05

To be honest I think this sort of important news should have come from you. I think if I was divorced and my ex had another kid I'd want to hear that news from him as it goes have a knock on effect on my dc (financially, time wise, will you dh still be a great stepdad once he's got a child of his own, I'm sure he will but some aren't). So I'd be miffed about getting this news from my kid.

But obviously he's reacted very poorly and has probably said something along the lines about how you won't have time for him anymore and /or your dh won't care about him once the baby comes.

I agree that you need to wait until he's awake to find out, but I would most definitely say something. This is not about him getting to you, this is about him not making your ds anxious

HulksPurplePanties · 17/02/2019 06:25

Going to echo the others, it sounds like he's coming down with something. It is a horrible flu season this year. Personally, I wouldn't take anything he said seriously until he's had some sleep. I don't know about your 6/7 year old, but mine tends to be a little dramatic when upset. Always best to let him cool down and then talk to him.

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