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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what would you say?

21 replies

HappyHippy45 · 16/02/2019 18:10

I'm a wheelchair user and was out shopping with dh today. A mum with her young daughter were nearby and the little girl asked in a reasonably loud voice "Mummy, why is that lady using a wheelchair?"
Her mum didn't answer so she asked her another 2 or 3 times. Still no answer.
I glanced over because it's rude to stare and the mum looked incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassed.

I've been in similar situations when I was able bodied and had young children and I'm sure I cringed at their questions....and mumbled a vague response.
Trying to figure out why she didn't answer with a simple "I don't know."

I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much but I feel weird that my wheelchair use and a kids simple question made someone feel so uncomfortable.....it wasn't like she asked a more personal thing like "why does that lady have a moustache."
How do you deal with these type of questions from your kids?

OP posts:

ShaggyRug · 16/02/2019 18:13

I always answered honestly and openly. Told DD that I didn’t know but there can be many reasons why people use wheelchairs and that, just because someone looks well, they might not be.

DD never managed to ask me anything embarrassing though and I’ve no clue what I’d have said if I was asked a moustache question

PinkGin24 · 16/02/2019 18:16

Think you are being oversensetive. Anything other than 'I don't know' would have been wrong as she technically doesn't know. And to a child 'I don't know'is hardly a satisfactory answer - she may have kept going on and on.

SubparOwl · 16/02/2019 18:17

My child asked me this once, he was three. I was distracted at the time paying at the till and I just said 'some people use wheelchairs to get about'. I carried on paying and turned around to find my son in earnest conversation with the lady using the wheelchair, bargaining with her to let him have a turn in her special car. We were pissing ourselves.

We also had 'why is that lady so ENORMOUS?' the same year. I went with 'everybody comes in all sizes, it'd be very boring if we were all identical'.

Mightywease · 16/02/2019 18:17

I've said something along the lines of "I don't know the reason why but they need help in moving around, a bit like when Grandma used her stick, and wheelchairs provide that".

I try to be honest but not presumptive.

Bobbycat121 · 16/02/2019 18:20

I would have told my child to shh personally so cant help think its abit rude to talk about people (when they can hear you anyway)

ThreeAnkleBiters · 16/02/2019 18:21

I always say that sometimes people have legs that aren't working properly. When he asked why I'd say there are lots of different reasons.

I don't know about this lady but I'm one of those people who embarrasses easily so I might well feel embarrassed in this situation. Not because I'm shocked by disability I'd just be super anxious I'd said the wrong thing.

Slowknitter · 16/02/2019 18:22

I expect the woman didn't answer because she was worried that whatever she replied to her dd might offend you, rather than that your wheelchair use itself made her feel uncomfortable.

Youmadorwhat · 16/02/2019 18:23

I tell my DD that maybe they are not well and so they are weak, maybe their legs don’t work at all/ very well, they can’t walk by themselves etc or maybe they have had an operation and need to recover. I’m fairly open about it.

Lymphy · 16/02/2019 18:25

I had a similar experience a couple of years ago, I had lost my hair due to chemo. A little boy about 3 or 4 loudly said to his mum “ why has that lady got no hair” his mum went scarlet and was obviously mortified, I asked her if she’d like me to explain it to him, the relief on her face was immense! I explained I was sick needed and needed special medicine but the medicine made my hair fall out but I didn’t mind as It was making me better, it happened a few times, it never bothered me, the parents just don’t want to offend

Lovingbenidorm · 16/02/2019 18:27

My dd asked me this (quietly) when she was little
She didn’t even know the word ‘wheelchair ‘ and asked why the lady was in a buggy
I explained that sometimes people’s legs don’t work the way they would like them to.
Later we had a discussion about illness
I think replies to children’s questions need to be age appropriate
We have always answered questions and been appropriately honest and forthcoming about illness, disability etc

MrsTerryPratcett · 16/02/2019 18:32

I had this the other day with a man using a white cane. She asked in his earshot, I said, "he feels the road through it so he knows where to go because he can't see very well" and he said "like a superpower"

She wouldn't ask about a wheelchair because her mate uses one. She had to be told in extremely stern tones not to push him in it without permission. I used the 'extension of his body' explanation.

Original poster

HappyHippy45 · 16/02/2019 18:37

Ahhh I hadn't really considered that the mum might have been uncomfortable because she was worried about what else her daughter might say. Darn kids and their lack of tact

Maybe she'd have a chat with her later out of earshot.

OP posts:

winsinbin · 16/02/2019 19:03

I would have said something along,the lines that some people find it hard to walk so they have special chairs with wheels to help them get around.

I can remember a very happy day on our church social club when one of the older members turned up with a mobility scooter for the first time. She was very self conscious at first but by the end of the afternoon she was giving the fascinated little ones rides around the hall. On another day other elderly parishioners took turns practicing on it in case they needed one themselves one day. After a few glasses of wine there was some very dangerous indoor driving going on!

Original poster

HappyHippy45 · 16/02/2019 19:59

winsinbin that sounds lovely.
I'm impatiently waiting for my nephew to be big enough to go for a ride with me on my mobility scooter.

OP posts:

Gligeen · 16/02/2019 20:00

What would you ‘prefer’ a person says. Genuine question.

user1471453601 · 16/02/2019 20:14

Ohh, my DD once asked a friend's uncle who had Parkinson's disease why he was shivering. He was very good and explained to her (she was about four years old) that he had an illness. DD asked again, was he shivering because he was cold because if he was, she could hug him warm again and if that didn't work, she could ask me to do it, because, in her mind, her Mum always made everything better. Afterwards, I apologized for her intrusion. He said that the interaction had given him pleasure and made him s mile in my experience, children are looking for a straight forward explanation.

YeOldeTrout · 16/02/2019 20:14

"I presume her legs don't work very well." was my first thought. If I had to, I'd move to "It's not nice to talk loudly about people right in front of them; you could just ask them directly you know."

Most DC would shut them up with a simple explanation, but DC3 might keep prattling on with further observations. He once went on & on about a dark skinned family in the swim pool ("probably all their relatives have dark skin, too!"). The best I could say was "Yup, probably." DS was about 5yo & couldn't understand other people's perspectives at all, why they would feel awkward to be talked about loudly like that. If I scolded him he would have misbehaved angrily (can't handle being scolded), softest option was to roll with it.

The family included a beautiful older teenager who I apologised to for DS's nosiness. He laughed, thank goodness.

MissSmith80 · 16/02/2019 20:25

OP - genuine question, would it have been ok for the Mum to suggest the child asked you? I often used to spend time at the care home my mum worked at, and I remember asking an amputee where her leg had gone I'm now expecting my first child and think I'd like to encourage the same openness but would hate to think people would be offended x

Original poster

HappyHippy45 · 16/02/2019 21:58

misssmith
I would have been happy for the kid to ask me but not everyone would have. I mean it is a bit rude to talk about people when they're in earshot but that's what kids do....and they're curious!
I just think a simple answer from the mum would have worked......

OP posts:

AldiProsecco · 16/02/2019 22:01

@pinkgin24 I agree completely, not everything is a learning opportunity either. If my DC asked me that, my best answer would have been ''I don't know'' but as you say that doesn't satisfy a child's curiosity.

I don't expect everybody to feel obliged to gain a full understanding of the issues close to my heart. It would be nice if they did but they aren't motivated to.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/02/2019 22:43

The question wouldn't have made me uncomfortable in itself

But I would be conscious that I wouldn't know you so wouldn't know how you would prefer me to approach it. If you'd prefer an i don't know or its rude to talk about people imwhen they might hear you or an honest answer that your legs might not work very well. I would be worried about saying the wrong thing as I don't like talking about people in front of them as it's kind of answering on their behalf. I'd also be worried about what was coming next as an I don't know answer can be met with an 'OK then ' response or a 'maybe it's (insert something very strange)' response.

I think I'd just say different people's bodies work differently and maybe you had sore legs but it's not nice to talk about people as it might upset them.

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