Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if/how anybody out there has dealt with single white female syndrome?

38 replies

tinkywinky777 · 16/02/2019 17:33

Serious Q.....how do you deal with it? Or is it me overthinking things?
I will cut it short...close family ‘friend’ has always had a penchant for copying/overcrowding me. Examples...taking up the same gym classes, studying a similar type of course, drinking what I drink on past nights out, going for weekends away where I have just been.....all of these things happen AFTER I have done them and do so when a comment has been made, for eg, by commenting on how I look in good shape, asking which class I do and doing the same.

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but the above examples are just a few of many. I finally felt like Id had enough when I was told told last week that she is going to the same holiday destination that Ive just returned from (and it’s quite obscure). I have actively distanced myself over time and actually changed quite fundamental parts of my life to do this.

But it carries on and for some reason I am finding it hard to deal with mentally. Tell me to get a grip,

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 16/02/2019 17:38

Ignore it. It really doesn’t matter.

beeyourself · 16/02/2019 17:39

Ignore it
Don't tell her anything
Deliberately lie to her
Cut contact with her so she doesn't see you to ask/copy

ClaryFray · 16/02/2019 18:15

I don't get why this is an issue.... I do classes at the gym when friends have said about them I've though that sounds good....

You haven't the monopoly on the experiences you have.

EL2019 · 16/02/2019 18:17

Tell her you’re shaving your head and dying the stubble purple, oh and getting a full back tattoo of Justin Bieber.

Wauden · 16/02/2019 18:19

Its obviously bothering you and it would annoy me as well, particularly as it has gone on for so long.
What do you think you could say to her?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/02/2019 18:20

I think people are being deliberately obtuse. It's a form of stalking in that it makes you feel spied upon. It's creepy!
Only solution I think, is go fully NC and forbid mutual family/friends from disclosing any information about you to this person.

pinkyredrose · 16/02/2019 18:21

Tell her you're holidaying in Iraq and learning Japanese.

Whatififall · 16/02/2019 18:23

I had this with a friend when we were 18 - she dyed her hair the same colour, bought me a jumper for my birthday then turned up wearing the same one, started dressing like me, and a few other things - I wish I’d been mature enough to address her insecurities with her but I just blanked her.

BartonHollow · 16/02/2019 18:28

I know what you mean OP

3 of us all volunteered together and one rechristened us her "wives" was very pushy and would buy us random gifts. She was also an outrageous liar.

It was all quite odd. A bit of digging and hindsight showed she has form for making intense friendships and then backing away from them and blaming the friend when her lies were questioned or exposed.

Imitation is flattery, but when it goes too far it is a discomforting feeling.

Dippypippy1980 · 16/02/2019 18:28

I don’t see how any of these thing effect you - same drink - really.

I have a friend who thinks everything she does is original - when it’s very mainstream. I recently bought the same coat as her - we run together and it’s from decathlon which is the only sports store near us. It’s a plain black raincoat, yet she made a big deal about me copying her🤔. It’s really popular, and I had forgotten she has it!!

Many things which you think are unique aren’t. Most women around the same age have similar habits, activities and clothing.

Sukochicha · 16/02/2019 18:32

Same drink is quite common isn’t it?

I like lots of drinks but if I’m with my friend who only drinks G&Ts I’ll have one too. Or if someone chooses a really nice sounding cocktail I’ll think I’d like one too.

Wauden · 16/02/2019 18:34

@BartonHollow, I knew someone just like that. The intense friendship,
you are their best friend, followed by the sudden dumping, then a break, then they want to be your friend again 'due to a misunderstanding'.

turncloak · 16/02/2019 18:42

I must be the biggest stalker going. I will regularly ask friends where their clothes are from if they're wearing something I really like. And then go out and buy the same item for myself - the horror! I also ask for recommendations for days out and holidays and then sometimes book the same places for myself and my family. Oh the shame Grin

Is this really affecting your life in any way at all?

BartonHollow · 16/02/2019 18:50

@Wauden

Was it also accompanied by lengthy Facebook moans about friends not bothering by any chance?

I saw her write one of those once and read it thinking :

I have a fucktonne Of shit happening in my life right now, and had you bothered to contact me you'd know that, but instead you'll assume that I'm just shit anc not bothering my arse.

I left Facebook in the end and haven't seen her for years. I realise now that she probably doesn't think I've left Facebook and probably thinks I've specifically blocked her because it's all ego all the time.

All this sort of thing is always insecurity based OP

Original poster
tinkywinky777 · 16/02/2019 18:52

Interest..mixed responses.
The cloak..it’s obviously affecting my life. That’s why I posted.

Claryfrary...I know I don’t have the monopoly on experiences.
But when a significant part of someone’s life is copied over a protracted period it veers into something a bit different.

The things I listed are just a few of many.

Thank you all for your views.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinkywinky777 · 16/02/2019 18:54

Yes it definitely stems from insecurity BartonHollow because there are various other factors that would suggest this.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 16/02/2019 18:54

If she was wearing the same outfits as you I would be concerned. As it stands she's just trying experiences that you've had,maybe she's looking for new things in her life and gets them from trying things friends have done?

raffle · 16/02/2019 19:00

I’ll bet she goes to plenty of other places, drinks plenty of other drinks etc etc. But you only notice when it’s things you have done, places you have been or drinks you drink

Wauden · 16/02/2019 19:03

@BartonHollow, I had deliberately partially covered my face on FB, and she messaged me asking whether it was me, and I didn't respond. So, like you, no engagement, ha ha. Sorry that happened to you. It's all about her and her problems.
She was very convincing, yes?

BartonHollow · 16/02/2019 19:05

Yes but I also suspected her of being in need of a diagnosis and a behavioural plan, and felt quite sorry for her.

TrainSong · 16/02/2019 19:08

I don't find the things you've listed creepy or stalkerish. It's very common to go to places others have been to, try similar forms of exercise (the fitness business would be dead if we didn't.) Ditto the drink. Loads of people fancy what someone else is drinking in a pub.

Does she go out of her way to turn up at the same gym at the same time as you, or book a holdiay in the same place, same week as you? That would be creepy. But what you describe is normal. For all you know she gets inspiration from all sorts of people but mentions some to you if she thinks it's relevant.

If she starts dressing like you and cutting her hair the same way, applying for a job where you work - all that would be odd. But what you describe isn't.

CSIblonde · 16/02/2019 19:12

Don't let it get to you however weird it feels. Keep a distance, limit info & try to understand how sad it is:she's so insecure that she thinks copying who she considers 'better' than her, will make her happy. She's probably got no self esteem & is very unhappy.

GroatGruff · 16/02/2019 19:15

I get why you're feeling the way you do. Studying the same course, going on the same weekends away, booking the same (obscure) holiday - and you say these aren't the only examples - are really not in the same realm as PP asking for holiday recommendations or where someone got their coat from.

I would further distance myself and not reveal anything to her. But a lot of the PP's responses suggest you would be dismissed as unreasonable if you asked mutual friends not to discuss your life with her.

Original poster
tinkywinky777 · 16/02/2019 19:21

Used to turn up at same gym and same places I socialised, hence my life changes.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 16/02/2019 19:22

Yanbu

I have had very similar. Plus copying clothes and shoes etc.

It is extremely irritating.