To not know what to do about this friendship

[jardindeflores]

I've known my friend for about nine years. We got on well, and were very close. For the past four years or so she's had a really tough time with her mental health, and I've tried my best to support her with that. It was especially hard for her during the first six months of 2018. She was feeling very low and her boyfriend broke up with her rather unexpectedly. I tried to be there for her and help her, emotionally and practically, but somewhere along the way I lost myself in caring for her. I gave too much of myself, although I didn't realise it at the time, because I'm a caring person and felt that I should do what I could to help. It's only looking back that I can see our friendship wasn't entirely healthy.
I didn't really hear from her between June and August because she needed some time to herself, and honestly I needed it too. We reconvened at the end of August/start of September and things were okay between us. I met up with her a couple of times in September and October, but I haven't seen her since then. We sent each other the odd message or two but I haven't texted her since Christmas, and she hadn't contacted me either.
She sent me a message last night out of the blue, asking how I am and apologising for the fact that it's been so long. I haven't replied yet, and I don't know what to do. In the time that I haven't seen her, I've been working through a lot of stuff from my past in counselling and so I'm generally feeling quite raw and vulnerable. As well as that, if I'm honest, I feel hurt surrounding our friendship, some of which is my own doing by giving too much of myself, but also because I've felt a bit neglected by her and like I've been making all the effort. I feel like an elastic band which has been overstretched and can't just snap back into place. I haven't told my friend that I feel hurt because I know she's already struggling so much and I don't want to make it worse. But at the same time, ignoring the fact that I feel hurt hasn't made it go away, and she's my longest friend and I really did value our friendship. I don't think she has any idea about how I feel. Should I be honest with her? Because I don't think I can carry on pretending that everything's fine, but honestly I don't feel strong enough at the minute to address the issues.

I wouldn't be honest with her and tell her how you feel. It is likely to cause you both pain and it could be that neither of you are strong enough to address the issues and come through the experience unscathed. You clearly have reflected on what went wrong in your friendship and I would respond via text with a lighthearted response but be mindful to ensure the friendship is changed so that its mutually beneficial. Good luck

Yes be honest with her.
She probably feels very guilty buy can't change.
This old friendship is not good for either of you, maybe continue to catch up every few months.
I don't think her issues and lack of interest is personally about you.
I actually thought the OP friend was me until I read it was intense for a time.
I am an awful friend for keeping up contact, I often go into my own world and cut myself off for months.
I've a friend, she keeps trying to develope a deeper regular friendship with me but I can't do it, we know each other over 20 years, I suffer with pmdd plus I am an introvert, it is hard for me to maintain relationships with immediate family DP DC and my siblings. I haven't the energy for more.

I don't think it's personally about me either... I think she's struggling and has maybe become too comfortable with me because I don't generally challenge things and am maybe a bit of a doormat.
I don't think I can just carry on with the friendship without telling her the truth. It hurts too much. Right now my options are either to tell her the truth or to ignore the message and possibly risk losing the friendship. But at the same time I don't know if I can open myself up to her and be vulnerable with her by telling her I feel hurt.

Do tell her, she may be unaware of how much it effects you, if you tell her it will give her the chance to change, or put the ball in your court to end the friendship.

I would proceed cautiously conscious that she may perceive your comments as criticism and may even attempt to justify her position. Ignoring her text may cost your friendship but then having this difficult conversation may do the same. You need to ensure you are resilient enough to walk away if the conversation doesn't go as you would like.

Like you I am not naturally confrontational, but 2 yrs ago I discussed similar issues with my best friend of 20 yrs. I haven't seen her since :-(